h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

But what must she be saying about you,
And your fetish for midnight blue,
And your lambskin van-sized shoe?

There is a very clever sparrow
that lives in the leafy suburbs of Harrow
and is as straight as an arrow
when giving advice on growing organically produced marrow,
and even advice on how to make the best pizza dough.

Even has produced a few horticultural papers
on growing vegetables and the best way of pickling capers.
Won prizes for Syrian bean capers and for being the best landscaper
as well as giving advice to candle makers on the best type of tapers
and gives classes on how the best way of putting up wallpaper.

Such a bird she was, with Further Education
I met her once before, at the railway station
Regretably paying more attention to another cock
A cheeky cockney one she'd met underneath the clock
A well known meeting place for sparrows, and lovers too
I've met many a girl there, and met my Waterloo.

Streetcorner twisters,
Wind-tunnel dervishes.
Grit does a merry dance
With crumpled styrofoam cups
And cigarette filters
And oak leaves.

Go anywhere to say your prayers to the Great Bear
who dances like Fred Astaire and dresses up to look like Dan Dare
and sometimes wears 70's trouser flares and silk flowered ladies headsquares
when sitting in the easy chair reciting the works of Voltaire.

Do anything and fill your life with much needed zest and zing
by swinging on a swing listening to the dance music of Swing
drinking a Singapore Sling doing your thing
by playing with a ball of string and to see if it can repair your broken ring.

You can be anyone, so go and set your phaser to stun
to eat the fruitiest currant bun which is a whole lot of fun
to be eaten in the noon day sun dressed as a Nun
having a whole lot of fun reciting the corniest puns.

We saw a rabbit it was having such fun
Hop skip and prance then off it would run
My girlfriend did see it, her heart it had won
But for me it was decisions, stewed, or with salsa? in a newly baked bun

Rabbits' feet are said to bring good luck,
As they sit by the dozens on the store's shelf,
But have you wondered why the rabbit, for all his pluck,
Got no luck for himself?

As children we were all allowed
To keep a rabbit in a hutch
My bunnies thump was very loud
I loved my bunny very much
We gathered food on Portsdown hill
And in a bag would bring it back
Clover and vetch gave bun a thrill
These we would fetch in a big sack
Our rabbits all grew sleek and fat
In show my bunny was a winner
But it was wartime, 'cause of that
My mummy cooked him for our dinner.

It's always wartime somewhere on the planet.
Unless you're a barnacle or a gannet.

Here comes Remy Le Beau who likes to make a show
of his superhuman mutant powers
causing his enemies to glower during meteor showers
improving the statues quo of mutants and living in his own chateau.

People call him Gambit as he's quite a hit
with the ladies even though he's been a member of a thieves guild
who's got cool powers and has humerous wit
he's very skilled in playing cards, making onlookers thrilled.

Remy Le Beau had a sister called Sally
No mutant powers she would dilly and dally
Her mum would find her asleep somewhere in the alley
With Bob the fisherman fresh straight from his galley

They married much too Remy Le Beau discourse
He hated that she bet and looked like a horse
As for Bob it did not bother him because
She made him roast beef every Sunday and he loved her thick sauce

Silly is what silly does
As silly knows no better
He likes to wear some clothes
And prefers to wear his sweater

Wisdom sometimes masquerades as silliness.
I can't think of any examples, nonetheless.

It's a sin not to drink gin
when putting rubbish into the bin.
It's a sin not to grin
when playing the violin.
It's a sin not to able to balance your yang and yin
when conversing with a member of the Jinn
who's making a lot of din about their twin who's become the Mighty Quinn.

If I wait long enough for my washing to dry
The sun will come out and the rain clouds will fly
All will be well and the flowers will bloom
Never fear passing time it will banish my gloom
For sadness is fleeting, as fleeting as joy
When love comes a calling to each girl and boy.

A hungry man has no bad mood
All he can think about is food, food, food
A drunkard has little time to think
When he does think at all it is drink, drink, drink
The girl may be dreaming of pearls, pearls, pearls
The boy can only think about girls, girls, girls
He will call her sweet names; Honey, Honey, Honey
She will love him dearly for his money, money, money.

What money? He's got hardly any.
What girlfriends? There aren't many.

Love is liken to a virgin breeze
Embrace it, hug it but do not sneeze.

One minute you were all romantic
Next minute you were going frantic
One moment I thought we were in love
Next minute I get a blooming great shove!