h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The kangaroos are shouting come on, come on.
The dogs are barking at Shawn who thinks he's Don Juan.
The swans are all wearing clothes made of chiffon.
The gibbons want to run their own hairdressing salon.
The griffins want Ron to play chess and move the first pawn.
The fawns want to sit down and have afternoon tea with Sean and John.
The blackbirds and the song thrushes want to have the perfect garden lawn.
Don thinks it's bon to eat salad with pickles and slices of jellied brawn.

"I am so sorry," the doctor said.
"Your wife became ill from eating the head
Of a calf -- known as brawn.
She caught mad Calf Disease.
We hope we can save her,
So pray for her, please.

Go to the front door
and shout out ah ha, ah ha
falling on to the floor
with a feeling of happiness and dismay
as you fall into a deep sleep and loudly snore
dreaming about talking to a boar
who's playing a game of lawn croquet
as you turn into Thor and swim ashore to the Department store.

My wife fell in love with a frog,
Or so I hear tell from the dog.
He's little and green.
She made a big scene.
She now wants to livei n a bog!

Margaret Thatcher Is Reborn, Honey! (Not long now),
Reborn in a world o’borin’ness, of a borin’ mess,
Honey, (this is a song of borin’ repetition, like makin money and then makin’ money.)

Old Hootoo is flyin to the dogs, Honey,
Where the many choose the work, and the few make money
And guess what happens if you don't make money
Why, they come to close ya down
With nary a moment’s thought, Honey,
With nary a moment’s thought.

Among the world of isms
that's the free market, for ya, otherwise known as capitalism,
Honey.

And how can it be wrong
When the NHS are forced to sing the same ol’ song,
‘the Free Market’, known as the Red Flag,
As the Workers haven’t the brains to remember a complete verse (I'm averse).

Honey?

(An’ if it’s well wrong it cannae, it cannae possibly be put right, well who cares)

Margaret Thatcher Is Reborn, Honey!
Reborn in a world o’borin’ness, o' borinness an' robbery,
Honey.

Old Hootoo is going to the dogs, Honey,
Where the many make work, and the few make money, Honey,
And guess what happens if you don't make money
For the few: why, they come to close ya down, Honey,
Without a moment’s thought

Among the world of isms (i-ams)
that's the free market, known as capitalism,


And how can it be wrong
When the NHS will be singing the same ol’ song,
the ‘free market’, known as capitalism or otherwise as capitalism,
Honey?

(An’ if it’s well right it cannae, it cannae possibly be wrong),

Honey.


Whatever The Workers may say,

Honey


I HAD TO STOP THERE AS MANY A TIME BECAUSE IT WAS ALL TOO BORING. OR WALSALL TOO BORING, (WHICH THEY ARE), HONEY.

Have you ever been to the Back-of-Beyond?
Have you travelled across the (Atlantic) pond?
Have you entered the Twilight Zone?
Have you ever met a clone?
Have you ever been to Outer Mongolia?
Have you ever painted the outside of your house in pink magnolia?
Have you ever visited the Land that time forgot?
Have you ever sailed around the world in a yacht?

I sat thinking in the backyard.
My brain had got rusty. 'Twas hard.
So many momentous things to ponder
For a mind too inclined to wander.

The world economy might come crashing down.
Is Obama a genius or a clown?
Something about a debt limit to be raised,
Blocked by Tea-Party Congressmen who seem ctazed.

Global warming's still there, and nuclear
Plants in tsunami reach, Gulf birds in tar,
With BP blaming others for the mess.
Where will it end? I can't guess.

Should I take up drinking?
The world seems to be sinking.
It's hard work, this thinking!

I'm just worried that in a capitalist economy, honey,

We'll get closed down - (aye, there's the rub), if we don't make money.

For somebody.

The true believers treat like a religion
This thing they call capitalism.
They're blind to its flaws, alas,
Which lead to widespread social schism.

Bob bobbed a long on a crest of a wave
swimming in a stream flowing through a cave.
He met up with Dave and said no way Hosea
don't wanna put on your present of a toupee.

So I'll bake you a chocolate cake
and take you fishing by the mountainside lake
where the only way you'll be able to catch fish
and that is by making a wish.

Sword fencing lessons take place at the village hall
where they have ceilidhs and the New Year Ball.
So you need to have your own fencing foil
and for gardening lessons a bag of top soil.

In the garden shed there's enough room for a king sized bed,
which was built by Ned and Ted along with a winter sled.
And you'll find a cat who wearing a bowler hat
and is friends with a yellow coloured rat.

So go and comb your hair and wear your best flares
and watch for the black bears wearing silk headsquares
in easy chairs talking to the Lord Mayor who's also a wizard
and when there's a full moon changes into a buzzard.

I wait for the grand cosmological truths
To penetrate the corners of my thick head.
By the time they arrive, however,
I shall probably be a long time dead.

Erik said to Rick,
"where have you placed my golden brick?"
"Did you give it to Vic
at the local flicks
showing a film called 'Mick and his magic joss stick?

Rick replied, "no I have not got a clue what you're on about
grouting my bathroom tiles and brewing vats of homemade stout
and even been making my own sauerkraut which eat with grilled trout
and like to shout about it at afternoon tea where I pour it out my teapot spout.

If I won one hundred and sixty one million pounds today
I think I would say
Hip hip hooray!

What is life really?
Four seconds,
The time it takes
To take in what's happening now.

That's consciousness.
Some people are faster,
Some slower,
And some comatose or asleep.

Are we here in the moment?
Almost.
We're here in
Four seocnds ago.

Deal with it.

Every morning I find twenty pound notes underneath my pillow
underneath my bottom sheet, the mattress and the bed.
I even find money even when I go for walk nearby the meadow
or in my tool shed or even in my garden shed.

I went into the kitchen and found money in the microwave
or in my own idyll of a sheltered garden with it's own peach grove.
Discovered money in the kitchen cupboards
and even where I keep my magical wands and swords.

I found money in the pantry and in the fridge
or in a box hidden underneath my garden stream bridge.
I have also found money in the laundry basket
and my enormous heirloom trunk and the jewellery casket.

Whenever I shred paper into the paper shredding machine
it turns all the paper into twenty pound notes.
And all of these surprises have turned me into an 18 year old teen
who wants to promote the value of eating porridge using rolled oats.

I find that when I empty my kitchen and bathroom bins
that all it's contents have turned into money
and my clothes have all become vintage in style including hats with jeweled pins.
And I can afford to buy gold rated 25+ strength manuka honey.

Paul, I don't mind four seconds if life.
It's the instantaneousness of death
That concerns me more.


Jab

Life is no more than an after thought
It has no rhyme or reason
Think not too deep in a wonderer’s pond
Reflex that moment past

Oh thinking of thinking
Not that an agile mind be better
It’s the reflection that does dazzle?
Make lazy mind stir deep in pastures past

Longevity is a moment to apprehend
Not now
Be calmest
For time like balm does soothe

Take better moment now

Life matters now and always.
Perhaps on a higher plane
It is just one single phase
Of many. [This thought may be insane.]

I work at the lathe drinking a glass of absinthe .
Unsheathing my sword to fight a giant walking Rhodanthe
which is attacking me with withe as the Rhodanthe starts to unclothe
it's many layers of thermal underwear and Victorian clothing and present me with a scythe
and say for the use of it, I must pay the Rhodanthe, a tithe
use of the scythe and be wreathed in garlands of flowers in my own garden hythe.

Oh what a life without a little wife
To mop my weary brow
I used to have a wife who was the bane of my life
She was a rotten cow
And I am so glad, though sometimes I am sad
That I don't have a wife right now.

Tee Hee