h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Seems like everybody’s got a price,
when they are giving out valuable words of advice,
about how to cook boiled rice,
and make sugared coated mice.
I wonder how they sleep at night,
when their imagination takes flight,
and dream about the barrow wights,
who have suddenly got the gift of second sight,
and haunt the shires wearing woolen tights,
ready for a fight with a hobbit or a knight.
When their tale first,
they become immersed in bratwurst,
which they eat when to ease their thirst,
brought in from carts all they way from Seaton Hirst.
And the truth comes second,
when they want to beckon those who have been to Loch Lomond
and ask them have they ever been to the Back-of-Beyond,
with the help of a magic wand which they found in a duck pond.

The Spninx
Stinks
Methinks.

Say okay to Ray the dray ,
and Sergei along with their dancing toupees,
who are going to a parfait buffet,
ran by the fey who will give out bouquets,
to those at the cafe who are willing to learn ballet,
and sit down and write an essay,
for their creative arts dossier.

We need to take it back in time,
and learn how to rhyme,
when wear ringing bells that chime,
by the river Tyne as we'll drink our glass of lime,
at the prayer time of prime,
as we begin to learn how to mime.

When music made us all unite,
and our imagination takes flight,
but first we'll get over our stage fright,
by dressing up as knights wearing luminous tights,
and take part in very strange and unusual rites,
which takes part in a room that is lit very bright,
and it always happens in the middle of the night,
where we hear peoples plights of never seeing a sprite,
and never getting sleight of hand or even flying a box kite.

And it wasn't low blows and video hoes,
and romancing with our beaus,
who are always go with the flow,
as they try to mow a meadow,
with the help of a dog and a crow,
and even a sow who likes to take part in a stage show.

Am I the only one getting tired,
about not being inspired when required,
and of gaining mutant powers which is greatly desired,
along with Magneto who's greatly admired,
who's conspired to share his powers,
by going on top of a tower and sending out rain showers,
and bouqets of flowers by the hour.

Why is everybody so obsessed,
with being straight-laced and composed,
and being opposed to being caroused,
when eating fruit that has been crystallised,
so that one day they maybe canonised,
for being blessed with superhuman powers and being bemused.

Money can't buy us happiness,
when all you want to do is play chess,
and confess to Jess that Loch Ness is causing you stress,
by having to be in full costume when trying to impress,
the Loch Ness Monster with your finesse and your success.

Can we all slow down and enjoy right now,
and talk to the cow who's sailing in a dhow,
From Inverness to Macao,
and likes to say meow to the cats that live by the lough,
who work with the plough and are studying the way of the tao.

And take the cash back,
whenever you take their mac,
and watch the ducks quack,
out of the garden shack,
which is looked after by a yak,
called Jacques who also works as a newspaper hack.

You can keep all the cars,
if you will take to all the bars,
where I'll play with my guitar,
and that will take me far,
as I become a big star,
and travel as far to Myanmar.

Leave me the garage,
and the room where I get my aromatherapy message,
and of film reels of the days of the Old raj,
as well as my collection of collages,
and of my artistic montages.
As well as my display of corsages,
which has taken me ages to do and my media entourages.

Yeah we leaping across these undefeatable odds,
especially losing all my odds and bods.
Getting the nod to join the funky squad,
who are so hip and cool that they write all their ballads,
and their bazarre facades of driving a quad bike holding a fishing rod.

Its like this man, you can't put a price on the life,
especially when it's full of strife,
caused by losing the butter knife,
or forgetting the way to Fife,
caused by a yearning to travel to Tenerife,
and join in with the highlife,
with the aid of a midwife who looks after the wildlife.

So we ain't going to stumble and fall never,
we ain't going to the clever like Trevor,
who is able to predict the weather,
by going in the garden and observing the heather,
which is his life's endeavour and to be together,
with Heather who loves to black leather that feels light as a feather.

So we going to keep everyone moving their feet,
whenever they see the fleet,
as they try to be discreet when walking over concrete,
as they go to the musical meet with Pete,
who's very neat and is a member of the cultural elite,
and being with him is a big treat as he supplies the best marguerites ,
and always gets us the best cinema and theatre seats.

So bring back the beat and then everyone sing,
waiving their bling as they do their thing.
Giving everyone a big grin when they shake their rolling pins,
to drown out the background din by playing their violins.
This helps us all get in touch with our yang and yin,
when wearing having a few Singapore slings,
as they dance around the fairy ring,
or thinking about their times in Beijing,
when it was Spring as they listened to bands playing swing.

Summer sits on the hills
And massages the Earth
With her slender fingers.

Her sweet-scented breath fills
The air and gives birth
To laughter that lingers.

I've tried and tried
But never can,
Say exactly who
I think I am.

AlsoRan80
Thursday 16/IV/2011 7.47 BST

You can keep all the cars,
if you will take to all of my wine bars,
which are frequently visited by tars,
who are set to spar when no-one will buy them their meal at the dinar,
or say that they are very bizarre,
for talking to their sitar,
which they bought at a bazarre,
by a market seller descended from Russian czars,
who sells musical instruments and jam jars.

I'll play with my guitar,
and my talent will take me far,
as I become a big star,
and travel as far to Myanmar,
with the help of Oscar, who's now the village vicar,
who trained in faraway Madagascar,
and even makes his own malt liquor.

Its like this man, you can't put a price on living,
nor on the value of forgiving,
or learning new ways of jiving,
which can be quite unnerving.

There are so many ways of improving,
flour sieving and fruit preserving
But at Thanksgiving we do so much bread dough proving,
and thinking of new ways of laboursaving,
that involve shaving and food microwaving.

So we ain't going to stumble and fall never,
especially when Trevor is trying to be clever,
by his weather forecasting endeavour,
through his work as an engraver,
and when he is travelling down river,
in a boat to see the woodcarver,
and learn her weather lore for the cost of a fiver.

We ain't going to be clever like Trevor.
As Trevor will only his knowledge with Heather,
who loves to dress in black leather,
and have a good blether with their friend the panther,
that likes to slither on to the ground when passing the wool gatherer.

So bring back the beat and then everyone will sing,
in the time of Spring as we all sit on the swing,
and have a big grin looking at an empty beer tin,
waiting for the upswing to go and visit the rock and roll King,
from the enchanted woodland ring as they do wearing the flashiest bling.

As they do their their thing on a prayer and wing,
waiting for the cooker's timer to go ping,
as they listen to songs sung by Bing,
which helps them in their emotional and spiritual centring.
Giving everyone a big grin as they dance the highland fling,
to stop them feeling like they are has beens,
by drinking glasses of sloe gin ,
which they make in their rubbish bins,
with added drops of glycerin and dissolved asprin,
from a recipe from an unknown boffin who has the light within,
and has developed ways of dampening down your neighbour's noisy din,
which sets listeners into a spiral spin which makes them knock their shins.

My name is Legion.
I'm an American.
I live in a region
Where people eat Spam.

There was a mole that lived in a hole,
of an oak tree's bole on a woodland knoll.
Every day was visited by a unicorn foal,
who's humour was very droll,
and always came with a basket of bacon rolls.

The unicorn foal was rewarded with a woolen stole,
advise on how to score goals,
as well as porridge poured into his breakfast bowl,
and a dancing pole and a plate of sole,
as well as make up and eye liner pencil made with kohl.

So who, then, murdered the cheese?
It wasn't the baker who baked the ,
Nor the who kept hives for bees,
Nor the silly camel who lived in the lake.

Boys that are mine
Called me at nine
They'd rather say
On Father's Day
Avoid the rain
Come with us to Spain
Don't get wet
Fly Easyjet
Hip Hooray!
I'm on my way.

I don't wanna sing this song.
I don't wanna wear a sarong.
I don't wanna zoom a long.
I don't wanna play ping pong.
I don't wanna to belong.
I don't wanna to watch a dvd of the film King Kong.
I don't wanna eat egg foo yong.
I don't wanna be called Suzy Wong.
I don't know be part of the mad throng.
I don't wanna to learn how to play mahjong.
I don't wanna to take part in a singalong.
I don't wanna to drink out of a billabong.
I don't wanna eat biltong.
I don't wanna stop being headstrong.

Where did I put my shoes?
Oh, now I am singing the blues.
My feet are so sore,
The pain I can't ignore.
They've got great big blisters that ooze.

I am an Entmaiden and I have been on holiday to Aden,
where I did a lot of shopping and became very heavy laden.
I will return to the orchards and to to the farmlands,
and where there will be farmers doing somersaults and handstands,
on my arrival as the knowledge I gained is in great demand,
and I will teach them to add spice to their lives and stop it from being bland.

But I have not forgetton the Ents who have now started living in tents.
I will go to the woods and forests of Kent and give them a few bottles of expensive scents.
Along with my sisters we'll marry the Ents and drink ent brew that has been allowed to ferment.
There will be no more lamenting and our unions will be cermented by a happy event.
For our lives will be happy and we will all be very content,
and there will be a great increase in the ent population by a 100 percent.

We will be awaiting the arrival of entlings where we'll all joyously sing,
as our hearts go ping as we await the arrival of Spring.
We'll watch closely in the sky for the eagle's wings,
and their presents of boxes of bling and golden rings.
Their arrival will cause an upswing in our mood as we all do our thing,
by dancing in the fairy ring and looking at a display of ceramic ming.

"Chadwick MacNamara McGee
Was always the man for me,"
Said Brunhilde Leone
As she gazed from her throne
At the emerald Alpine Sea.

I've never been afraid of the highest heights
I've never been afraid of the wildest fights,
when I am ever trying to put on a pair of tights.
So I go on and start my daily repetitive rites,
of calling on my imaginary friends who are all sprites.

Not afraid of flying whenever I go spying,
for the best bargains when I go supermarket buying.
I like chip and deep mars bars frying,
and giving myself a groovy look by tie dying.

I have been bubble blowing and floating to keep me going.
It helps me with my sewing and with my inner knowing.
It's even helped with my growing and my garden sowing,
and even prepares me for when it starts snowing.

And now you're gonna miss me,
when I am not there for afternoon tea.
and say that I am going to live by the sea,
if I don't attempt to climb a rowan tree.

We used to be so so soulful,
when we're trying to be beautiful,
and stop ourselves from being boastful,
by talking to the bull who wears clothes made from wool.

Let's say high to the intergalatic spy,
who's always on the sly drinking a glass of eau de vie.
And ask our guests to go outside to look at our bonsai,
as long as it does not cause hue and cry when playing jai alai.

We get by with a so called soul mate made for each other chit chat,
when playing cricket wearing a top hat when holding the cricket bat.
Looking over a vat of ale and singing to a manx cat,
who's dressed for combat and holds wild parties in their flat.

But that dried up wise up to the cutting edge facts,
when I've seen my lipstick, eyeshadow and powder compacts,
all being packed in a suitcase as I try to use my diplomancy
and tack by showing my examples of art that are all abstract.

Now I'm chilling with Jack Jones,
who is always trying to get me various bank loans,
but always moans when eating a devonshire cream scone,
when listening to me play the trombone in a cyclone.

The Camelzarcumminhoorah Hoorah!
But a camel won't get you too far, not far
You'd be much better off in a car, my car
And it's lovely to know how you are, you are
The most beautiful beauty so far, so far
So the Camelzarcmminhoorah Hoorah!

I like that very very much, Frank.
It does and doesn't make sense Frank -
In fact, it's nonsense, pure and simple, Frank.
Not much worse and you could be a politician, Frank.




Jabs

Three of the camels walked with canes
On the hill overlooking the town.
One camel played with remote control planes,
And then pushed the other three down.

The angst of living too long,
Of being decrepit while still alive,
Of being powerless in a poem or song,
Especially one that is just pointless.

You've got me stuck on repeat,
listening to the beat of the drums,
played by your best mate Pete,
when I'm ever trying to do complicated sums.

You've got me stuck on repeat,
whenever I'm talking to my chums,
out on the garden seat,
eating plums all covered in breadcrumbs.

You've got me stuck on repeat,
when I'm drinking a large glass of rum,
in the mid-day heat,
making me shout ee by gum whenever I feel glum.

I am glad if my sillines makes you all smile
In the House of Commons, in a very short while
I'll read them a story, confounding that tory
Who went to posh schools for uppity fools
I'll revise education, I'll wake up the Nation
Start a new fashion for speaking with passion
No more will they quibble, they'll all be more liberal
Bank of Scotland will pay for the drinks that they drank
So by tossing the caber, both Old and New Labour
Will recite a poem: then we'll all go home.