h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Overheard telephone conversation.

Yeah, it was so last year to wear fake cashmere.
Yeah, I will only attends film at their premiere.
Yeah, I only go in designer formal full dress.
Yeah, as I love to dress to impress.
Nah, I say ha to those who refuse to play baccarat.
Nah, I don't got to ordinary hotels but only those with a spa.
No, I love going to London to see an Andrew Lloyd Webber show,
No, I won't be joining you put be taking in the village tableau

Loud poets go in for sonic booms,
Put marbles in blenders at top speed,
And welcome thunderstorms into their rooms.
Some of them are buried here. Take heed!

I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know why you keep on saying you've got gout,
from eating too many brussel sprouts.
I don't know why you say that you also get if from eating sauerkraut,
especially when eating with rainbow trout.

Gout may arise from foods high in purines:
Livers and hearts, and especially sardines.
Low-purine food will include aubergines,
Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, sauerkraut, green beans.

I love to pout at the teapot's spout.
I love to have a glass of stout.
I love to give my cushions a good old clout.
I love to have a blowout.
I love to drive my car around the roundabout.
I love to use icing to grout the garden gnome's snout.

I came from a town so small
It had only half a horse.
The movie house projected on a wall.
The school only taught one course.

Nearby the country park's lake,
every afternoon they have a cake bake,
which they have baked using magic spells,
that produces lots of lovely smells.
Covered with chocolate flakes,
and when eaten makes the ground quake.
So when motorists come they put on their brakes,
and leave their vehicles to participate in a coffee break,
to be chased by enchanted giant handbags,
filled with colourful rags and dancing flags.
All spewing out corny jokes and puns,
and plates of chelsea and currant buns.
Then lectured about their driving skills,
and their clothes having to many frills.

Ten times I told them not to tempt me.
It made no difference, still they came.
Now I have to do it every Tuesday.
Now they want me for their Wednesday game.
They don't know yet but I now have the answer.
I'm leaving them: now I'm a ballroom dancer.

It's not about my wealth,
of my financial health,
nor about ill-gotten treasure,
or about my long hours of leisure.

It's about my holidays in the countries of the commonwealth,
and they way I can travel using great stealth.
It's about the amount of wine that I measure,
which I give out to my friends when commenting on the latest collection of couture.

It's gold that I garner
Got it from Silas Marner
It's up there in my secret place
Covered in soot; a disgrace.

It's a secret I must keep
From the local chimney sweep
Don't tell him what I'm telling you
I keep my treasure up my flue.

I count it every night; but wait!
What's that footprint in my grate?
Stop that grinning, it's not funny
The 'Water Babies' took my money!

Fortunate witches know how to spell,
But Weskita Witch could not do it well.
Her misspells were guaranteed to go awry,
Though no one knew how, and couldn't guess why.

I cry whenever I eat ham and cheese pie,
or even when I am looking up to the sky,
to gaze at the stars and the moon,
waiting for the arrival of the typhoon,
which will come with several bags of money,
and pots of very runny honey,
as well as game of jai alai,
with instructions written in runes,
to be played only after eating a bowful of prune.

I woke in the middle of Paris,
Not quite sure if this should embarass.
My rommates were odd:
A unicorn and God,
And a wheel that was fashioned by Ferris.

I am a rebel who loves to yell.
I am a rebel who loves to jell.
I am a rebel who casts magic spells.
I am a rebel who rings out the church bells.
I am a rebel who loves making aromatic smells.
I am a rebel who has two garden wishing wells.
I am a rebel who only holidays at remote located hotels.
I am a rebel who's immune to hard sell.
I am a rebel who's full of superhuman dna and cells.
I am a rebel who drinks the best moselle.
I am a rebel who leaps like a gazelle.
I am a rebel who's the ballroom belle.

The unicorn rode on the Ferris wheel,
But his horn got stuck in the gears.
We begged God to get him untangled,
Which happened, though it took years.

I'm gonna take you out tonight,
to see the knight dressed in white,
who likes to give people a fright,
by telling them that he turns into a giant sprite,
that cross dresses wearing garishly coloured tights,
and his collection of five foot box kites.

I don't have a lot of money,
but I know how to be funny,
especially when it's sunny,
or when I am dressed as a bunny,
with a jar of organically produced honey,
and my best two piece suit made out of gunny.

But I'll show you a good time,
with a glass of chilled lime,
even though I don't have dime,
and my motor bike is covered in grime.
I'll teach you the art of being sublime,
when learning how to mime.

I live on a lily pad the size of France.
It holds up my weight except when I dance.

I was walking on my own having a good old moan,
talking on my cell phone about not being able to understand the rosetta stone.
So I played on my trombone and dabbed a few drops of eau de cologne,
and soon I found my self in the twilight zone.

I ended up in the Outer Limits where there were I reached the loney mountains summit.
To be surrounded by wizard hermits and Apocalypse En Sabah Nur transmit,
very poweful radiant magical and light which gave them a great deal of glee,
as they shouted out whoopee giving their victims the power to forsee,
as well as becoming like the X-Men Sean Cassidy Banshee.

I live in a fantasy world,
Where everything odd has been hurled.
The mages and elves
Live with ring-wraiths on shelves,
And knights come to get their hair curled.

We'll stay together for our love is true,
and we'll celebrate by drinking special brew ,
and dressing up as Winnie the Pooh,
and shout out yahoo when drumming a military tattoo,
which has made our skin turn a funny shade of blue,
and give us a constant feeling of a deja vu.