h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here's another version of the Spider-teen poem:

Spider-teen, Spider-teen, has been seen working with Wolverine,
now that the he has become the dancing queen.
In between fights, he’s at the top restaurant for haute cuisine.
He can spin a web, any size that gives the crooks a surprise
while he’s eating a bag of French fries with ham and egg pies.
Look out at the road roundabout
that’s covered with Brussels sprouts and a drought of stout.
Is he strong and is his hair long and can he write a long romantic song?
Does Spider-teen ever wear a satin sarong when in Hong Kong?
Listen Bub, have you seen him at the pub soaking with Agent Bob in the hot tub?
So, come on tell us if you have seen Spider-teen dancing in the nightclub?
Bub have you seen Spider-teen wearing a cloak and hood
when sitting down to eat picnic food?
Bub can Spider-teen swing from a silver thread or build a garden shed?
Can he also bake scones and wholemeal bread with help from Fred and Ned?
Bub take look at him reading a book about Captain Hook
when he’s being chased by a crow and a rook.
Hey, there goes a grizzly bear dressed as the Lord Mayor
sitting in a rocking chair at the fun fayre.
In the chill of the night where there are people who stare
at those who wear 70’s trouser flares selling unusual earthenware.
At the scene of the crime of a stolen rare dime,
when the thief begins to mime when the clock chimes nine.
Like a streak of light which frightens a water sprite
and a Jedi knight along with a barrow-wight who are searching for Turkish delight.
He arrives just in time to climb the wall covered in thyme
at the Blenheim palace which smells like lime at the hour of prime.
Spider-teen has no interest in wealth and fame or becoming the pantomime dame
at the baseball game where players make their name.
His only rewards are being a superhero with an organic cheeseboard
and to be given the Gryffindor sword which he only uses when he gets bored.

Corrections are always expected,
But errors are rarely corrected.
A poem that's long,
With things that are wrong,
Is likely to make me dejected.

Think what you're trying to say.
Remove all that gets in your way.
Rewrite and rewrite.
That's sure to delight
Your readers, and brighten their day.

I'm detecting an anomaly in the power output of the in the starboard docking clamps.
I will rectify this by increasing power to the antimatter storage tanks.
So, this will mean that we’ll be going back to using multiphasic lamps.
The lamps will be fixed to the docking ramps which will end all the engineer pranks.
It will have to be done in time for the space-time continuum warp-drive seminar.
This conference will take place in the trans-dimensional realm of the Exo-Space.
Quark will open a bar there along with a bazaar where Odo will transform into a jaguar.
There will also be Elim Garak selling clothes made of silk, satin and lace.

Knights in white satin,
capes lined with ozelot,
fluent in Latin
came riding to Camelot
- What is your bizzniss, asked Merlin the know-it-all
- We heard there's good eatin' in King Arthurs dining hall

An anomaly has been detected.
The warp-drive, alas, has defected.
The docking clamps rusted.
Exo-Space has been busted.
The good news: fine clothes are expected.

My friend, I can offer a service.
I'm helpful, so please don't be nervous.
Your poems are usually long.
I'll summarize them for a song.

Pardon Dan, can you hear me when I am drinking tea?
I heard that Ronnie has become the Oxford Don.
She has found a new neutron star that's been named Banshee.
Ronnie always wakes up every morning at the crack of dawn.
She has become the British version of spider-woman
who wears an A-line swing dress and leggings that are coloured cobalt blue
when travelling in a multi-dimensional and quantum realm catamaran.
She got her powers through drinking beer in a celestial sphere
That increased the scope and range of her abilities and powers
by manipulating the atmosphere in the Northern hemisphere.
She has become successful at growing wildlife beneficial shrubs, trees and flowers.

I'm trying to grow native plants.
They don't come up merely by chance.
Their flowers attract bees,
And butterflies sneeze
When tickled by mischievous ants.

Everyone is talking about new ways of walking.
The cats say yo ho when anyone is jumping up and down.
This has caused Northern Blocking which is quite shocking
for those with unusual habitats with loving cups located at the market town.
So tweet now about those who bow to the cow or the sow
and cannot stop fidgeting with their fidget spinners.
Weather forum users only greet those who live by a lough or a plough
or by the IT shop with assorted types of computers and printers.
This other forum users to find new ways of winking and thinking
about eco-living or travelling back in time when they were at their prime.
Those who want to lose weight start shrinking as they begin drinking
with wine glasses clinking with those who are psychic linking.

Everyone is talking about new ways of walking.
The cats say yo ho when anyone is jumping up and down.
This has caused Northern Blocking which is quite shocking
for those with unusual habitats with loving cups located in the market town.
So tweet now about those who bow to the cow or the sow
who cannot stop fidgeting with their fidget spinners.
The weather forum users only greet those who live by a lough or a plough
or by the IT shop with assorted types of computers and printers.
The other weather forum users find new ways of winking and thinking
about eco-living or travelling back in time when they were at their prime.
Those who want to lose weight start shrinking as they begin drinking
with wine glasses clinking with those who are psychic linking.

Oh, Spanish plume why are you filled with so much gloom?
Bringing thunderstorms, as you sweep over the British Isles
with soft sweet raindrops falling from your eyes.
Oh, Spanish plume please, please don't cry.
This is just an adiós and not goodbye, so please don’t sigh.
Soon I'll return with a large pot of Royal Fern
I will be bringing all the admiration that your heart can hold.
Please say Si, Si and I’ll give you a sessile oak tree when you come in the afternoon at 3.
Soon I will return, bringing you all the love your heart can hold when you’re in the Cotswolds.
Spanish plume will wait you for me at Amble by the sea on the promenade marquee.
Oh, Spanish plume, you're the prettiest plume all of Iberia
Please smile for me once more before I go with Flo and Joe going with the flow.
True Spanish plume, who told me of the time you visited a cafeteria in Algeria.
You are such a beau and are one of the favoured few who holiday in Bordeaux.
So please come to me and say that you will love me forever.
And my love for you is true and will last until the end of time.
No matter the weather, you are my life’s one true endeavour.
As I climb the mountains, as the village clock chimes at
Prime.

Long poems are really a curse.
It's best to be focused and terse.
Let's get to the point,
And feast on a joint
Of mutton, or nosh on a wurst.

Dan do you know where is Ron and Don?
Are they are out in the lightning and thunder?
Should I go look for them while getting the cold sliced brawn
with my friend Robin who's also known as the boy wonder?
He told me that Ron and Don were with Batman
who were being chased by Heatwave and Captain Cold.
They were both driving in Del Boy's van
which was filled with jewellery made from rolled old gold.

Robin and Batman and Thor
Went into a knitting goods store
In search of some yarn,
And they used it to darn
A hole in the rug on their floor.

I have heard there's been an earthquake at the highland's loch and lake.
It caused a thunderstorm with rain that’s above the norm.
It happened when I was drinking an ice cream milk shake with my rib-eye steak.
I left to go and complete bureaucratic forms when waiting for the train on the platform.
So please come and brighten me up my life with long range weather reports.
Bring me news that the Baring Straits has been reported to have dramatically cooled down.
I will then reward you with a fruit torte and a cruise visiting all the UK islands and ports.
We could also then visit a historic town museum with a display of robes and gowns.

I can remember days, things weren't always this way
when I was always in a flap seeing you wear a cloth cap.
You were explaining all your ways of learning how to knit and crotchet.
You would do this when I was having a nap with my puppy sitting on my lap.
I used to make you smile if only for a while when walking a mile
to a cafe that makes the best tasting frappé and brandy snaps.
But now you can't get through your time at the Edinburgh tattoo
as you want to go on holiday to Argyll to see your friend Kyle.

The Bering Strait's losing its ice.
To polar bears, that isn't nice.
But shippers report
That their routes are now short,
And that is a boon that's precise.

There are places
I remember
all my life

In my memory
there's a garden
where the fruits
are always rife

My mind's a bowl of cereal,
For every plan it makes
Becomes a wee bit surreal
As bits are sure to flake.