h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is how it goes Joe whenever it snows.
This is how it flows Floe whenever the wind blows.
This is why I always wear my strange looking clothes
whenever time slows it fills me with sentimental woes.
Everybody now wants to be like Noddy drinking a hot toddy
filled with glee at the thought of living by the sea.
It inspires me to say gee whizz when talking to a tree
by all I see in Creetown when they're having a Jubilee.
I am filled with malaise when walking through a maize maze
and when the sun rays make me sleepy when resting in my chaise.
Life can amaze even when there're delays during the dog days
of summer travelling down the byways when on my holidays.
On days when I feel low I go and say hello whenever I see a crow
called Joe who wants to fly over a meadow when going with the flow.
Life can seem better when wearing a bandeau when playing the banjo
and having a glass of Bordeaux wine in the garden of your bungalow.

I think that the crows have been drinking.
They fly as if they are not thinking.
"As the crow flies"
Is one of those lies,
Meandering, crooked, and stinking!

You are going to love me because of my promised shopping spree
which fills you with glee when buying a pot-pourri inside a château.
I am going to love you until the sun comes up when with my pup
who jumps every time I say yup when drinking out of a loving cup.
I will then hold back the moon in June when holding a balloon in the afternoon
with Rocket Racoon playing the double bassoon inside a saloon.
I will be your umbrella when it rains when you're reading a romantic novella
as you watch a dancing tarantella on your knee patella that you named Monchella.

This thread's getting pretty surreal.
A tarantula's eating my meal.
My bread's flying loops.
The mice jump through hoops,
And a woodchuck has offered to deal.

Hold your hands up to your chest
when wearing a mithril vest,
as you travel to Valinor in the West
that'll put you to the test.

Please tell me what will you find
as you try to meditate and unwind.
It will help you leave your problems behind
as it puts you in a better frame of mind.

Out of you, a sparrow comes when you hear the drums
as you eat a pudding as you pull out two plums.
It will inspire you to practise meteorological sums
that will help you forecast better weather outcomes.

And it sees without its eyes the best tasting French fries
or the most fruitiest raspberry and blackberry pies.
As your inner spirit flies when you're ever in disguise
or in civvies when visiting the republic of Schweiz.

I crossed swords with the three-eyed crow.
A unicorn deer whispered low,
"It doesn't make sense.
You should not learn to fence,
Unless you are Zorro, you know!"

We will be notorious when we're victorious
as our gardens become arboreous that will look glorious.
Nothing can conquer us when we're driving our camping bus
to Gus who loves to make a fuss when making Charlotte Russe.
As we stand in the middle of the battlefield with our giant shield
which is well sealed making our foes yield as they're healed.
Nothing but victory on our minds leaving our worries behind
eating Clementine pudding with orange and lemon rind.
We're more than a conqueror every-time the clock chimes at Prime*
causing a spacial anomaly in the space-time continuum grime.
It really a lot to get this far to have a spar with a tar
who smokes cigar that he bought in a bizarre bazaar bar.
This failure to buy more cigars could never stop our cause
when we make a faux pas with Ricardo Diaz flying into the tropopause.
Rivers will always carry men in these parts with their collection of darts
and pop songs that made the charts when singing about broken hearts.
Everyone say Renee Ramirez has a dancing toupee called Fay
that is an expert in ballet when at a party or a soiree at Henri's cafe.
So lets all have tea at the tea shop in Amble by the sea with Banshee
called Sean Cassidy that has an university degrees in phonology.

*Prime Liturgy hours of the day

Here is the poem again:

We will be notorious when we're victorious
as our gardens become arboreous that will look glorious.
Nothing can conquer us when we're driving our camping bus
to Gus who loves to make a fuss when making Charlotte Russe.
As we stand in the middle of the battlefield with our giant shield
which is well sealed making our foes yield as they're healed.
Nothing but victory on our minds leaving our worries behind
eating Clementine pudding with orange and lemon rind.
We're more than a conqueror every-time the clock chimes at Prime
causing a spacial anomaly in the space-time continuum grime.
It really took a lot to get this far to have a spar with a navy tar
who smokes cigar that he bought in a bizarre bazaar bar.
This failure to buy more cigars could never stop our cause
when we make a faux pas with Ricardo Diaz flying into the tropopause.
Rivers will always carry men in these parts with their collection of darts
and pop songs that made the charts when singing about broken hearts.
Everyone says Renee Ramirez has a dancing toupee called Fay
that is an expert in ballet when at a party or a soiree at Henri's cafe.
So let’s all have afternoon tea at the tea shop in Amble by the sea with Banshee
called Sean Cassidy that has an university degree in phonology.

There is a big red spot on my yacht
painted by a Argonaut who's a cosmonaut.
So come and join my plot to untie the Gordon knot
and win the lottery jackpot by the power of the thought.
That will inspire all to rap about wearing a cap when having a nap
inside a blanket wrap dreaming about the last cold snap.
Drink frappé causes people to fall down the Watford Gap
even when using a geo-map app given to them by their pap.

There is a woman in my lounge with a lampshade on her head
who's making a sandwich made from wholemeal bread.
The woman said that she's an android that has come from the void
through a travelling in an asteroid shaped spheroid named Lloyd.
She told me her name is Jan and she also has a high-tech van
and that she's a member of the futuristic plan clan.
I asked Jan, why has she come to my rural cottage home
where I make and sell bombe glacé and a hand-written tome?
Jan said that she came to become my confidante and P.A.
to assist me when I wearing my beret at the monthly soiree.

My time machine's broken, alas.
I'm bored as I watch the time pass.
Oh, wait, the tank's empty.
That's helpful, yes plenty!
I'll go fetch some time-machine gas.

I have heard that you are new in town
having a showdown with a clown.
Your victory seems like a showdown
since you did not get to buy your evening gown.

You said that you want someone to show you around
and that you also want to go and see the fairground.
But you say you cannot because of your greyhound
that you are looking after at the canine merry-go-round.

Well no-one knows this place like me on having the best shopping spree
by the seaside that makes me feel carefree making feel so gutsy.
So come and listen to my Three Degrees CD with afternoon tea
my dear ducky as it will make you feel lucky when shouting whoopee.

Meet Pete who's a member of the parakeet elite
that excrete sweet wheat smelling sweat whenever they bleat.
Pete loves to greet all those who live in the same street
as the parakeet elite that attends a meet in Crete.
Watch him jump on to the garden swing seat
and post on twitter about his new settee suite.
Beating on his drum is a real treat for Pete
which he bought when he was on holiday in Crete.
He only visits Crete in the summer because he loves the heat
and that he goes on courses to learn how to pleat and fold linen sheets.

Batman has a van that he uses in Cannes
as a member of the Gotham clan.
Bruce Wayne has a plan to get wed in a giant shed
with Selina Kyle aka Catwoman.
They both wear a colourful caftan
and the clergywoman, Anne arrived in a caravan.
Their wedding cake was made with cheese and pecan
made by Dan who's also the best-man.
Then at the reception they watched the cancan
who all had an artificial spray can suntan.

Whenever I run out of themes,
I read other poems. It seems
That most superheros
In real life are zeros,
And don't function well when in teams.

I long figured out the schemes
of heroes working in teams:
Their egos are super
not good for a trooper
I beat them all with my beams

Here we go now the diva cow who eats only the best chow
and only socialises with the highbrow when riding in a landau.
So go and look at me and the diva cow Brie who's full of glee
at meeting Jubilee Lee in Hawaii on the beach by the palm tree.
We're walking down the runaway, like VIPs who's the bees knees
in our evening gowns made of chemise where we do as we please.

Hey look at us doing our thing as we swing on our garden seat swing
every spring and summer wearing our bling when wearing the one ring.
As we dance the Scottish Highland fling and take part in a game of curling
at a Highland Games Gathering where we watched caber's hurling.
We drank a Singapore sling while eating an organic free-range buffalo wing
as we sing about the church bell's pealing that we hear when travelling.

And then we say what, let me hear you say the Ascot elite yacht
that was bought when we were both feeling fraught when dancing the gavotte.
We say we have won the fashion jackpot and have learn how to trot
when wearing culottes as we ride horses thinking about becoming an astronaut.
We are both well sought after because know how to untie the Gordian Knot
and that we can jog on the spot at a potter's wheel making a teapot.

We are parfait in everything we do or say and our style never goes astray.
We own a ski chalet we're we practise crochet and croquet and write an essay
as we wait for the 24 hour blizzard to end, eating a gourmet salmon souffle.
We have gourmet hampers as we end with a soiree party with a basket of pate.
We know our way to the harbour bay and to the bonny banks and brae
of Scotland while we are singing Scot's wha hae even when the sky is grey.

We got the moves, we got the style when strutting down the supermarket aisle.
We can beguile all those we meet on the Shetland Mainland Isle and in Argyle.
We have cruised down the river Nile as we make a Gaelic toast as a Caledophile.
We show all how versatile we are at building a stile gate and growing Lily of the Nile
Once in a while we will walk more than a mile just to play on a turnstile
and smile at Kyle who's a Scottish exile that's never been know to be hostile.

We talk the talk when walking around the block with an alarm clock
and watch a hawk gawk at a flock of birds flying over the Broadwalk.
So get the wok out and make a meal from a recipe we got in Bangkok
where we sang Loch Lomond to our Erstwhile friend Jock.
We walk the walk when wearing our vintage smocked dress dancing in the hollyhocks
as we watch the fox brushing past the foxgloves when we're visiting Tilbury Docks.

So you take the high road, my friend.
The low road is mine to the end.
Long Lomond lies yonder.
We'll meet and then ponder
At Starbucks the best coffee blend.


(Obviously this is a very modern version. )

Let it be known that Joan has got a new clone
that can play the trombone sitting on a monument stone.
Joan's clone loves to have a good old moan
when on the telephone about her neighbour Tone.
She first saw him when living in Bayonne
as he arrived from Surbiton with the cyclone.
He wants to ascend the royal throne in Dijon
by wearing Eau de cologne that will give him backbone.
But Joan only wants to sell her buttered sultana scones
when wearing her thick thermal long Johns and her nylons.
Joan feels like she's living in a hybrid of the Outer Limits and the Twilight Zone
that's littered with traffic cones along with a sousaphone and a stylophone.
She attends long boring meetings that have been merged with coffee soirées.
The meetings are never fleeting as members are reading out their entries from their diaries.

The Coneheads have met Joan of Arc.
The Jetsons just let Astro bark
At E.T. and ALF,
And also Gandalf,
But maybe that's jumping the shark.