h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's going to be mild and wild
said the computer weather analysts.
This will get the coldies* riled
by the weather forum panellists.
There will be raging storms
and hours of non-stop rain.
As the jet stream strengthens and forms
stratus clouds in its 'keeping the UK wet campaign'.


*coldies people who love cold weather

You're getting rain. We're getting snow.
That's normal, I guess. Even so,
I want leaves and flowers,
And mild April showers.
Oh, why did we let Summer go?

Boring meetings are never fleeting
as they seem to drag on for ages.
There is no control in the central heating
with the old type heaters that are covered with cages.
It's either too cold or too hot
where there's never a happy medium.
This is making me feel quite fraught
when I'm trying to cope with the tedium.

It's either too hot or too cold.
My bread now is covered with mold.
My coffee's left over.
There's no four-leaf clover.
Oh, why did i have to grow old?

When it's cold, it's nippy,
said the bold hippy.
He is going to the chippy
where he'll meet his friend Zippy.
There'll be lots of chips and dips
with bags of crisps and walnut whips.
There'll also be battered cod
which when eaten will make him feel odd.
He'll start feeling awed when drinking pernod
which inspires him to join the God squad.

Zippy and Griffy and I
were trapped on a huge pizza pie.
Some thick mozzarella
Said, "Hi, there big fella,"
While Zippy was winking his eye.

I am walking on a rocky road to my perfect abode
on the Fair Isle where I grow my own food.
It is where I wrote an ode to a toad
who is a cool dude with an attitude.
There are only 60 of us living on the Isle
where each villager has their own allotment.
Where they greet visitors to the isle with a smile
where they grow food covered in a giant tent.
Some even have greenhouses where they grow grapes
which they turn into fine wine which tastes divine.
They also make their own clothes such as cloaks and capes
which they sell online home and abroad as far as Liechtenstein.

The Toad is a very poet.
Zippy and Griffy all know it.
In Dingburg, at least,
He receives a great feast,
Where pinheads are glad, and they show it.

http://comicskingdom.com/blog/2012/08/03/supporting-cast-mr-the-toad-of-zippy-the-pinhead

Right said Fred, "have you got the bread
and the vegetable spread that you got from Ted?"
We're going to each have a toasted sandwich
which will be filled with cheese and slices of Flitch.
We'll be discussing our future wedding
and the gifts that we'll like to given such as bedding.
Our wedding will take place in a huge Cairngorm log hut
which which will be made from British chestnut.

When Kermit and Piggy got married,
The Muppets their axes all buried.
Animal drummed,
While Statler, benumbed,
Regretted that he hadn't tarried.

It's a lovely day to day, if your name is Ray or Faye
where we will have a wonderful holiday in a ski chalet.
We'll holidaying in the Cairngorms where may hear the cuckoo
or at the wildlife zoo a gnu and a kangaroo named Pru and Hugh.
I heard in Aviemore that the British Isles be moving closer to Iceland
along with Ireland where there weather will never be bland.
Every winter we will get more chances of getting snowy weather
along with frosty days and nights where will have a good old blether.

It's a lovely day to day, if your name is Ray or Faye
where we will be having a wonderful holiday in a ski chalet.
We'll be holidaying in the Cairngorms where we may hear a cuckoo
or be at the wildlife zoo to see a gnu and a kangaroo named Pru and Hugh.
I heard at the zoo that the British Isles could be moving closer to Iceland
along with Ireland where there weather will never, ever be bland.
Every winter we will get more chances of getting snowy weather
along with frosty days and nights where we'll have a good old blether.

I fear that I am seeing double.
This probably means I'm in trouble.
Now, who shall I blame,
Shazam or The Flame,
Or maybe it was Barney Rubble?

I think that it was Barney Rubble
Who probably got me in trouble.
Shazam or the Flame
Are who I should blame,
And now I think I'm seeing double.

Seeing double might be an advantage
if you're dating a girl from Anchorage
seeing her smile
might take you a while
even if you are farsighted by age

Och aye the noo where have you put my ewe?
As I am going to take her with me to the church
where she will sit with me as I'll be playing the kazoo.
I will take my place in the pew where I'll sit at my favourite perch.
Then the rest of the parishioners will be doing their own thing
and not staying in sync with the vicar and the choir.
They will cling to each other whenever they begin to sing
when the friar arrives with the prior carrying the bishop's mitre.
There will be those who are always arrive in the middle of the service
as they loudly announce their arrival by blathering loudly to each other.
This will distract me as all what I hear is making feel very nervous
so I go close to my grandmother, my mother with her brother.
This will help me calm down through until the end of the liturgy
where I will go to the back of the church for a cup of tea and a slice of brie.

Last night I found Grandmother's teeth.
She lost them, poor dear, underneath
A blue holly bush.
She fell on her tush.
It's been forty years since her death.

Here comes the usual doom and gloom from the long range forecasts
of wet, wild, mild, windy weather that will last months on end.
From short to mid and long range weather forecast broadcasts
with days of no sunshine that is driving everyone around the bend.
As we listen to forecasters gleefully predict the worst of all weather
for the UK & Eire knowing that the year will be a total washout.
Meteorologists have got their weather machine which they paid on the never-ever
making sure that the jet stream winds will have a lot of clout.
It will flow through the Eire and the UK bring overcast days and nights
that will bring great delight to the meteorologists when they bring months of rain.
Due to the absences of sunshine it will drive people to take part in sun dancing rites
For the Westerlies are our bane as it come like a speeding steam train.
Before the arrival of winter, a giant cold barrier will be built to stop all the snow
coming to the UK & Eire by transforming the snow into heavy rain showers.
This device will also strengthen the Westerlies that'll be strong as a tornado.

Longterm forecasts aren't much good.
I never have quite understood
Why people believe them.
I can take or leave them.
If snow falls, I put on my hood.

(You don't have to be a weatherman to known which way the wind is blowing. Especially if you're waiting for Mary Poppins.)

Here comes Sydney the ever-so secret Squirrel.
He spends his time on the weather forums website.
Sydney became a member through a referral
where he has had many online fights with Dwight.
Many are getting upset at the lack of cold weather
and saying that this winter was a completely fail.
So they will drown their sorrows in a get-together
where they drink ale and eat free-range quail.
Sidney is gritting his teeth as he is a mildie
who only loves mild weather with not frost.
No-one wants to listen to his heartfelt plea
of having warmer that average temperatures at Pentecost.
All they want is that its snow so heavily that it reaches the rafters
as they moan about Britain and Ireland's lack of meaningful snow.
They have taken in part in snow making rites while having their afters
which consist of their favourite puddings along with a slice of gateau.