h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The sun and the moon made a deal:
The vast karmic order they'd steal
In bits very small.
They'd smuggle it all,
Then serve it with roast leg of veal.

I want to have seasonable autumnal weather
where I'll blether about my garden heather.
I would like plenty of heavy mist and fog
when I go out for my early morning run and jog.
I would like to have very heavy and hard frost
that in the sun it will look shiny and glossed.
I would like the frost to last until midday
and perhaps some early snow so as to use my sleigh.

My verses I'm loathe to inflict
On those whom I've specially picked
For literary prizes
Or scholarly surmises.
All others? Consider yourselves tricked.

Pardon Gordon and Don who love to egg on
the school matron when they wake up at dawn.
They beg her for a boiled egg and the school's peg leg
which is the school's mascot along the bootleg brandy keg.

At night, I've a snifter of brandy.
This helps when i want to be randy.
This leads, it would seem,
To a really strange dream
In which I'm attacked by some candy.

Kat is back!






(Tail goes thumpety-thump.)

When Rosa's not here, this thread's dull.
She gives us thoughts on which to mull.
Her neighbor. Her cat.
Superheroes, all that,
And there never is much of a lull.

I have come back with the new Doctor
with her handmade screwdriver and her friends.
She will save the day and give comfort and succour
searching for her tardis which she will defend.
Barry Allen will also be coming back in a flash
while being chased by the villain Cicada with his dagger.
He'll use his dagger to eat a plate of bangers and mash.
Then sing and swagger as though he is Mick Jagger.

Enjoy yourself while you're still in the pink.
So go and make a psychic link with your pet mink
who can lip sync when skating on the ice rink.
So celebrate with a champagne drink that'll make you wink.

You work for years and years communing with bears
who wear wigs and 1970's trouser flares and head-squares.
So go and entertain them by swinging on a crystal chandelier
with Nightcrawler* who is a mutant swashbuckling buccaneer.

You're always on the go with Joe mowing a grassy meadow.
Then at the end of the day you both play the banjo
while drinking a glass of Bordeaux wine from Joe's château.
You go to bed with mug of cacao and dream of visiting Glasgow.

You rarely have time off, so here's a course on how to be a toff.
It's a residential course which will be truly a labour of love.
If you pass the course exams you'll get a castle with a dove cove.
The castle will have hidden gardens with a secluded grove.


*Nightcrawler aka Kurt Wagner one of the X-men and is a mutant teleporter

Nightcrawler's Jake Gyllenhaal.
For that role he gave it his all.
He lost lots of weight,
Put kale on his plate,
With sociopathical gall.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2872718/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

There is high pressure over Scandinavia and Greenland
which is quite grand and we'll celebrate with a jazz band.
This has led to Northern Blocking which will have the forums rocking
where over excited weather forum members will be flocking.

The weather will seldom excite me.
In Winter, the frost well may bite me.
When fair zephyrs blow,
To the garden I go,
And plant things though skeeters may smite me.

The CFS* weather models want us to have wind and rain
for the whole of Europe with weeks of rainy storms.
The wet and windy weather will be our bane
as the CFS has a warm bias which is keeping to it's form.
According to the CFS there will be months of unsettled weather
bringing high temperatures and floods even to the UK.
There will no frost or snow as the miserable weather will be forever.
This winter there will be no need to use skis or travel by sleigh.


*CFS is the Climate forecast system

This Winter, the cold won't be bad.
These warm winters are quite a fad.
I remember deep snow
Many winters ago,
But shoveling won't make me glad.

Some boys miss when they try to kiss me, some boys even hiss.
It gives me bliss when walking through a mountain abyss.
I think that they are all okay especially those called Ray
who love to pray for golden hay to appear in the banks and brae.
If that they don't notice me or give me credit for my wit
and my new winter mountaineering ski kit to me help me keep fit.

They will beg for my clothes pegs and for my real ale keg
as well as some part of my nest egg given to me by Meg and Clegg.
They can plead to me for organic flaxweed and for turnip swede
as well as pints of Hogsmeade mead eaten with fish that's been fried.
But the boys cannot see the light when walking in the middle of the night.
They want to take flight when they have a fright of seeing a ghost knight.

There is a boy with the cold cash who turns out to be The Flash
who likes to dash after eating corn beef hash which gave him a rash.
It is always Mister Right, because we are, when pretending to be the Czar.
We are all having a bizarre bazaar run by Babar who smokes a cigar
as we are all living in a material planet with Janet the Gannet
that eats french baguettes and ice cream served in a waffle cornet.

I sold all my corned beef for cash,
Then Babar made it into hash.
The rats, I'm afraid,
Marched 'round in parade,
In rhythm to the Monster Mash.

I will have a pint of mild
as the winds blow wild.
I will sup with my pup
from a loving cup.
I will drink the pale ale
when reading my mail.

I will pout when drinking stout
dipping my Brussels sprout.
I will cheer as I drink premiere beer
when exploring the final frontier.
I will drink a glass of brandy with a Grandee
who's dressed as dandy called Randi.

Standing in a crowded room with Doctor Victor Doom
on his magic broom who's come to banish all the gloom.
Suddenly I cannot see Doctor Doom's face
as it is blocked by a large cello bass and a floating vase.
Victor comes forward to put his arms around me
when he heard my heartfelt plea for a life of glee.
He reassures me that everything is going to be okay
as he will be paying for me to live in a Finnish chalet.

I bought a chalet in Helsinki,
But left. It was really too stinky!
I moved to the beach.
It was within reach,
Though small as the ring on my pinky.