h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

damp limpness, and browness around the edges

Noooooooooo. Tell me it isn't sooooooooo. Lettuce, come back to me *sniff*

maybe a bit of mayonase before it's too late

You're cruel. How could you think of eating such a poor, defenceless thing as my lettuce? He's fading fast.

hmm, okay

try the icebox

What, you mean cryogenically freeze him until such time as doctors can find a way to
a) Unfreeze him without harm, and,
b) Have a cure for his illness.

Hmmmm, it might just work.

and the cucumber can keep it company

Cucumber? Cuuuuuuucumber? I never said anything about a cuuuuuucumber. Are you strange in the head, or something?

The cucumber's mine. I call him Errol

Ahhhh. Are you interested in cross-breeding your cumcumber with my lettuce. Mine's a pedigree. We could call the offspring a lettumber.

I hate to interrupt this clearly intellectual conversation but there's a woman at my work whose name is Mrs Cubbage (clearly the result of a cucumber/cabbage cross) which proves the lettuce/cucumber proposal is a definite possibility.

is she green?

whoops sorry... but i don't think i gave away any crucial plot points.

that's the bbc for you

And is she long and thin, or short and fat?

With the Simpsons it doesn't really matter about the plot points. It's more to do with the one-liners. That's what I think, anyway.

Stop messing around on my property!

And I'm keeping that football.

Tim

Touchy!!

has anyone else noticed how Bart should be twenty by now?

We could tell what sort of lettuce she was the offspring of by the frizziness and redness of her hair.
or if she's scandinavian it would have been an iceberg. (sorry very poor.)