Journal Entries


Hey, I have argued like the passionate-but-possibly-ill-informed 23-year-old that I am.

I am entitled, I think, to some youthful foolishness. I am also entitled to be right, if I am.

It still scares me a little. I'd rather agree than disagree, you know.

There are a lot of things I am not sure about. I refuse to say yes to something that doesn't make sense just because someone says it's right. So there. I may be wrong, but at least I know what I think and why I think it.

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Latest reply: Aug 30, 2005

time, people, sadness: a letter to God

How quickly time passes when I would have it tarry!
And when I won't, it takes its sweet time.
I want the next three months to go by in a whirlwind because of the bad things I know I'm sure to face. Never mind finding joy; the pain casts a much longer shadow.

I think, as my dad used to say, that I need an attitude adjustment. The fact is that every bright, wonderful time, whether it's a moment, a day, or lasts for years on end, will be punctuated and accompanied by some kind of pain, misfortune, or discomfort. The degree to which I allow those things to become the main things will dictate my ability to take hold of the joy God has given me to embrace.

It's just that those things look so big. They look big enough to blot out the sun, stain everything brown, and drag me down to the ground. The Lord knows I have let them do it before.

I am desperate to break that cycle. I am desperate to be free.

Oh God, have mercy on me. Though I am so often mistaken, still accomplish what you set out to do in me. Though I so often ignore your providence, kindness, and grace, please, do not stem the flow! Though I miss the beauty and obsess over the darkness, continue to shed your light on an ever-increasing portrait of your creative goodness. I promise someday I will see it for what it is. Someday I will see you for who you are, and on that day, I know that you and you alone will fill my canvas. For once, everything will be blotted out and swallowed up by light.

Please, Lord, give me grace to understand and forgive my mother. Give me patience to wait until I am delivered from this situation, and give me love that I may honor you with my words and deeds. Thank you, Father. In Christ, Amen.

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Latest reply: Jul 11, 2005

here I am, alive

I ran into someone (another car, not a pedestrian) with my car yesterday, which means my insurance will go up again, I'm sure.

This isn't the first time. I am a really bad driver. I wish I lived someplace where I could walk everywhere important. Southern California is not that place, not even close.

I just don't pay attention! At least this time, though, I didn't freak out and start bawling. I took it in stride, with little outward angst. Of course I am disappointed with myself, and concerned about the future, but I have more acceptance than usual, I suppose. That's progress, I tell myself. I was pretty subdued last night, though, and couldn't fall asleep for ages.

No one was hurt, thank God. I could't handle that, probably. I should be thankful. I am. Really. But I still feel like an idiot.

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Latest reply: Jul 9, 2005

All I Need is You Here.

I'm right here before you
my head in my hands
and I'll give you one thing
only you understand

I guess that I'm tired
of spinning around
embattled and broken
very near breaking down

there's so much to run from
so much to embrace
I'm caught between choices
which path should I take?

do I spread out my hands
and learn to be free
or do I bow under forces
bent down to my knees

there's so much that I want
so much I can't have
won't you show me what's good
and weed out the bad?

No need to be lost now
it's now all too clear
let me weep for a while
all I need is you here.

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Latest reply: Jul 8, 2005


What a day.

So sad for the people of London. Such an old city, having seen and survived so much, will pick itself up again. One wonders how the people will fare, how attitudes and outlooks may be affected, if there will be political shift as a result of today's events.

One American man commented that this was the UK's 9/11, almost in recognition of a sad badge of honor worn by those in the global terror victims club. Nobody wants to be a member of that club. Once you are one, though, it becomes a point around which people rally, a point almost of pride, and certainly galvanizes people for the cause of peace. Now, there is a reason to be unified against terror. The pain has been brought home, you are a member of that lot of people who have a noble excuse for action, anger, unguarded patriotism, indignation, and solidarity.

I am not glad that such times as these have their place in the UK's history; rather, I wish it were that somehow in the past 4 years we had managed to prevent these things from happening. Still, I can't help but hope that more people will wake up to the danger of remaining passive, neutral, or resigned about terrorism. This proves that bombings can happen anywhere, take the lives of people close to you, and ignoring or minimizing the seriousness of terrorists or their threats is undertaken at a great cost.

I will be the first to admit complacency. I often go about my day ignoring war and suffering because it does not touch me. I consume myself with the minutia of daily life with hardly a thought to global matters. Frankly, when I do think of it I become overwhelmed and distraught. Detachment is a useful defense mechanism, and one of the ways we can go on living in spite of the terrorist aims to frighten and confuse us. Still, over-detachment can lead to denial or a heart hardening that keeps us from working diligently for change.

We are far too apt to be easily lulled into false security. Tragedies are the wake-up call that no one asks for, everyone regrets, yet remains a turning point in developing neccessary personal conviction. Someday, though our losses are great, we will look back with circumspection and be thankful for what good may come out of such pain. It is but little consolation for those who have lost friends, spouses, children, siblings, cousins, parents, and fellow city-dwellers...

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Latest reply: Jul 7, 2005

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MessyJessie--defying description daily

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