Journal Entries

Prison-Quality Crack Cocaine

If I could find it, I would probably try it. No, really. For nearly have of my life I have experienced what modern medicine terms "substance abuse". I decided to use my journal to vent many of my frustrations now that I have begun a new life--sober.
When my life turned into a scene from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" this summer, I knew it was time to quit. A series of minor epiphanies have followed:
A) I'm really not a social person after all. I used alcohol and marijuana to numb any anxieties I have when in social situations.
Many times, getting ready to go out took just as long as the evening's entertainment itself. Several glasses of wine here, a
bowl or two there...and I could be the charming, witty person that was hidden under a blanket of intense shyness.
B) I don't really like the bar scene, either. It's boring. Everybody just sits there, the music is too loud, I can't hear the conversation of my companions, and invariably I am bothered by drunk jerks.
C) Alcohol really makes me sick. Oh, I used to drink anyone and everyone under the table. But now after only one or two I am retching violently and suffering from the "DT's" for up to 24 hours afterward. As I understand it, this is one of the red flags of alcoholism, signifying the final stages before death.
D) I am really stupid when stoned, and have lost some of my short-term memory from massive usage.

But none of these epiphanies have entirely stopped the craving. I have to learn all over again how to be an adult and deal with life's problems. And I have to be comfortable with myself, tarnished halo and all.

Discuss this Journal entry [8]

Latest reply: Oct 10, 2000

Cooking and Witchcraft

Not to blow my own horn, but I am a voracious reader and fabulous cook. I just finished Chocolat by Joanne Harris. In it she draws a comparison between cooking for loved ones and white witchcraft. That is, we have the power to enchant others through our prowess in the kitchen. I have found cooking and baking to be endlessly entertaining and relaxing. Definitely one of the great joys of my life is to see someone's face light up with love after they have devoured one of my creations. Even the names of recipes sound like spells to me: Coq au Vin, Tiramisu, Baklava, Choclo de Pastel, Tempura. I had to jot down these quotes from Chocolat:
"This is an art I can enjoy. There is a kind of sorcery in all cooking."
"It is a self-taught skill, born of obsession. No one taught me how to cook."
I have tried many other creative outlets: music, photography, drawing, needlepoint...none have held my interest for long. But this, this is a lifelong obsession. Only sex can rival it. Why are lust and gluttony considered cardinal sins when they provide such pure and simple pleasure to so many?

Discuss this Journal entry [1]

Latest reply: Oct 4, 2000

Good Vibrations; or Comparison Shopping for Adult Toys

Recently I bid farewell to a trusted friend, my vibrator. A certain ennui had set in regarding its usage. After two weeks of making do on my own, I decided it ws time to make a new purchase. To the uninitiated the variety of such products is daunting. Your finer adult emporium will contain a wide array of makes and models. Once the average consumer was limited to a few choices: small or large, lifelike or streamlined. Now one can choose from plastic or gel-filled, glow-in-the-dark or glitter painted, microwaveable or waterproof.
Many items carry endorsements. Some feature testimonials and pictures of happy wholesome couples diligently using their new toy. Others' efficacy is vouched for by cheery buxom lasses employed in the adult entertainment industry. One entire line is even apparently endorsed by the counrty of Sweden, leading one to wonder about the state of governmental affairs there.
All in all, it puts one in mind of perusing the cereal aisle at the supermarket. Do I want whole grain goodness? Toasted almonds? How about colored marshmallows?
Once you have chosen the device that has just the right combination of features, your local retailer will insist upon a "quality check". Batteries (if needed) will be inserted and the vibrator will be turned on. After all, there is a strict no return policy. Perfectly understandable, don't you think?
As for my selection, well, loose lips do sink ships...

Discuss this Journal entry [31]

Latest reply: Oct 2, 2000

A Minor Irritation

To my eternal dismay, I have discovered the one thing more annoying than someone using a cell phone in a public venue. It's the cell phone user that has call waiting.

Discuss this Journal entry [1]

Latest reply: Oct 2, 2000

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