h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear one and dear all

One of these fine years I will have a sensible life. Sure I will. But not this one, and by the looks of it not next one, either.

It is ludicrously hectic at the moment. The bathroom has been leaking into the flat below. The reason for this is that when the bathroom was originally done in the 1980s they used lots of plywood and no tiles and, however careful you are, it gets damp. John, who is a waif and stray staying with me at the moment while he does some A’ Levels, and who is hardly anyone’s idea of a waif at 6’5” with poundage to match, is simply too big for the bath. It can hold either him, or water, but not both.

All of which is a long lead up to the fact that between now and Christmas I am having the bathroom done, so as well as all the usual things that make this time of year so special, I am looking at floor tiles and discussing showers with the plumber. I must be certifiable. I cannot decide whether it is a sign of incredible wisdom or incredible folly that I am hotfooting it to the depths of the Swedish winter for a holiday during the first week of the work. How come none of my friends own Caribbean Islands?

What else is new? Are you aware of my cats? In an effort to enforce my plan to stay in the UK more, I bought two British Blue kittens. Brutish Blue Thugs more like. They are now a year old, and roughly the same size as John. ("How many of them have you got up there?" my damp downstairs neighbour asked rather waspishly). Anyway, they are called Archer and Aitken, and they are engaging but stupid, which is in itself engaging. They are remarkably tidy. Apparently everything should be kept under the sofas. I once collected 10 lighters, 12 pens and 7 drinks coasters when I moved the sofas to hoover. On the other hand, what with Sweden and the bathroom and all, it means I am not even going to attempt a tree until much later on this month. A good thing really. We will have the most decorated bit-of-floor-under-the-sofas in England by twelfth night. Oh, and Aitken snores. He is snoring now. Lovely.

Apart from that, everything is much as normal. Most of the mileage this year has been by road, though some of it was up to and beyond the Arctic Circle which is too swank not to be shared. Nice roads Sweden has, in the summer. We didn’t see Santa, though there were lots of reindeer.

On the subject of which, it is time to wish you all the merriest of Christmases and the best of good things for the New Year. Me, I’ll settle for a large rum and coke. And a new bathroom.

With love to my friends here on hootoo,

a broad called Ben

I'd like a new bathroom too, Ben! Mine leaks, although I can never see from where. Baths aren't built for tall people, are they?

I wish you a great Christmas, and for a much better New Year than you think you might be in for!

I remember you telling me about Archer and Aitken.

I'm spending Christmas with Roy (or rather vice versa) and I'm really looking forward to it!

Ben

I know that feeling with baths and bathrooms, but being on the ground floor I've no-one below to annoy.
I'm only 6' but thats longer than the bathroom let alone the bath.

{BB}

Having had one kitchen and two bathrooms installed within the last 5 years, I can regale you with plumbing horror stories all righty and as I'm soon to embark on the second kitchen I must be a masochist! Then there will be a downstairs loo to sort in the not too distant future.

My advice would be to train as a plumber in the next life, a good one is worth her/his weight in gold.

Glad to hear that Archer and Aitken are doing well

Have a lovely Christmas, Ben, if we don't 'speak' before and I hope we can get together soon.

"they are called Archer and Aitken, and they are engaging but stupid"

I'm sorry, but what do you expect if you name them after Tory politicians???

B

Well at least they are living up to their names. When our household named a cat Rosa after the great Polish revolutionary and intellectual, Rosa Luxemburg, the damn beast turned out to be a complete airhead

This is all very intellectual.

My mother named her cat Raspberry, because she farts a lot (the cat, not my mother).

B

Tiles falling off the walls with gusto this end Ben...we must have a parallel thread somewhere!
Get through the festive fiasco with fortitude good friend and see you in the New Year.
take care
boots

I have actually been having a great ending to a not so great a year.
I do hope, however, your Christmas gets cheerier for knowing some people, even though not knowing you at all, really enjoy your writing, which to me, is one of the best compliments anyone could ever aspire to.

Look to the moon, sigh, have a drink, and only then check under the sofa.


Liff

Mmmm. I think that I am mad to get the bathroom done, but on the other-hand if downstairs ceiling falls onto downstairs carpet I am in deep doo-doos.

My previous cats were Buster and Slasher, and they were both intelligent and fun.

Lovely to chat with everyone again. It has been odd hiding away so much. But it has been a wierd and outrageous year.

B

Weird and outrageous suits you.

Santa already appears to have put a special something in my sack (think about it...) so i'm just gonna kick back and stop stressing about this one.

Though if you want to pay for a new bathroom for me i'd not say no.

And a Merry Christmas to you too, Ben! About the cats:



I think you'll find the politicians were named after Ben's cats, when they were found to be equally stupid.

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

Merry Christmas to you too, Ben!

<>

Oh, don't do that! Sensible lives are like sensible shoes. They may be more comfortable but are not so interesting or attractive. At least if one *must* wear sensible shoes (as I have to) it is best to find quite stylish ones in bright colours.

Do your cats ever get confused when you call them, as their names sound very similar? I have one cat that is a bit stupid - he thinks he is a dog. But he is also very engaging and lovely. The other two are very clever and are definitely cats. I think it is very brave of you to even consider putting up a Christmas tree. I can never do this as I am sure I'd wake up one morning to find the entire tree under the sofa!

Anyhow, sounds like you have a very *interesting* time ahead of you. Wishing you lots of luck with the bathroom. And I hope your Swedish friends at least have a nice sauna for you to warm up in. Hey, Sevilla isn't a Carribean island but you are always welcome to come here for a holiday. Ask Blues, I'm sure he will give my place a wonderful recommendation.

Hope you get to see the Northern Lights when you are in Sweden. Meanwhile, sending much love and holiday best wishes to you and your little angels with fur.

az

At least you have your own cats they look very sweet *virtually pets A and A*.


Good luck Ben, I'm sure it will all be fine!!

*Male Researcher feels all loved up*

Hooray for Christmas, the day we give thanks the coming of santa, bringer of presents.

“May the best of your past be the worst of your future.”

Good bye, god bless, and i love you all.