Time for Change
Posted Mar 27, 2006
Ok these last 4 months have been tough for me yet at the same time they have been a period of self evaluation.
To begin with I was distraught that the woman who swore she would love me forever, declared it on a number of occasions as if renewing our vows suddenly told me she no longer did. However, upon reflection I can fully understand why she should come to that conclusion. In a vane attempt to survive in the cicumstances I found myself I think the person that she initially fell in love with and the person that I was was being subconciously repressed and losing his right to expression. In fact looking at the person that I was 4 months ago I actually have difficulty in loving me. I was running and hiding and although not deliberately doing so from her unfortunately that was one of the unfortunate outcomes.
There really were becoming two states in which I was existing at that and the person I loved, the person that I love, wasn't getting enough of the best parts and I was hiding that part of my character from the situations that we found ourselves in to prevent that side getting snuffed out. It wasn't fair to me, to her or to anyone else who was involved. Her family initially got to see the real me and by their reactions I trimmed it trying to fit in, however all I ended up doing was conforming. The parts of me that would have made me ideal material to be a husband to their daughter got lost in the remodelling. As a result sooner or later she too forgot those bits of me that she used to write so eloquently about and I think she must have given up on seeing them again.
Four months of largely lonely evenings brings one's mind to thinking (ok I admit there one full month of electioneering in there). What I'm fighting for when I am fighting for me is to refind that person that could engage and sustain such love, which at one point brought her to make a straight decesion between her family and her love. What was in me at that point that she chose me, that is what I'm looking to find again. It may mean that there have to be sacrifices for me to get there, but get there I will with vital new lessons learnt.
Without the remembrance of such devotion I would not be able to carry on this search, simply because I would not be here. I've been a fool and possibly at the moment am still a fool in a different sense.
Whoever lies in front of me deserves the very best of me, something that has been 100% present for the last few years.
Two roads diverge in a narrow wood, and I,
I took the one less travelled by.
Getting my Whistle annd Flute Ready
Posted Mar 24, 2006
Ok I have a job interview next Thursday. Hopefully this time I'll escape the mundane and boring and get into something that really will inspire me.
The Lonliness of an Angst Driven Writer
Posted Mar 23, 2006
They say writers should write about what they know.
They also say that the best writers lead troubled and disturbing lives.
Therefore I shouldn't be too surprised that suddenly in the new lonliness and angst ridden state I now find myself flowing with ideas for writing. I'm enjoying the fact that my muse has returned, I just wish I could type it straight into a computer rather that currently reverting to pen and paper in the evening.
Though personally I'd swap it all to turn the clock back maybe 2 years and make several different choices. Being a bit firmer over one thing that had bugged me for years, being more understanding over other aspects. I maybe should even have taken an even bolder step 4 or so years and moved to London seeking work instead of Scotland. In that way me and FC might have established some sort of separation of an us from her family. Something which I know was not the only reason for why things fell apart, but is something I feel paid a considerable part in the breakdown. I realise now that my not ensuring that this had serious repercussions to the breakdown of communication between us.
Monday was 5 years and 5 months since I first placed a ring upon anyones finger. We came through a lot in that time, enough to cause most people to not keep fighting for it. I think for the last two years we became too confortable, or at least if not confortable fitted into a routine. A routine that was fine when FC wasn't permanently in situ but put too much strain on me in particular when she was. I think I've realised that over the last fvie years I've been at my strongest when the going was tough.
Therefore in order to get over it, and as a constant reminder that times are tough I placed the ring that FC gave on my right hand on Monday night. She was worth fighting for when we were together, now we're not I am worth fighting for and fighting to preserve.
The only reason I able to be here writing this (and hence the worst monday morning felling tagline) is that at 4:30 I was unable to send a text message saying goodbye. It was very poignant possibly that was why I couldn't press send. A long rambling letter (ok suicide note) was awaiting being read, but what was the point of that.
Someone can make you feel worthless with what they think is a casual remark when they get you alone. But in essence nobody is worthless no matter what anyone says or how they treat you.
So I'm fighting to be me. I'm here to stay. Watch this space.
Posted Mar 20, 2006
Had a really bad end to Friday evening and as a result had a ing awful weekend. At least I still here to experience that Monday morning feeling.
I may be absent for a while
Posted Mar 1, 2006
Unfortuantely having moved last night, the computer I was promised access to has been comandeered for another purpose. Sadly this means I may not be able to get here as often as I need to to complete my entries.
To make matters worse the person in question owes me the full ammount oif my overdraft which if I did not have may allow me to look at buying my own by stqanding order at the moment. The bank have turned down my request to take out more money.