h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OH look! A dinosaur!

Do you think he saw us ?

No! It's a Tyrannosaurus!!


doyouthinkhesaurus

- Do you know the dinosaur that goes under many names?

- No, what's he called then?

- Thesaurus

In a healthy relationship, the man should always have the last word. And those words should be: "Yes, darling"

Our was very fond of potatoes. She was a ewe tuber

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Pierre For sheep jokes come and join The Fools Guild

I phoned the surgery and asked to see a doctor!
The receptionist asked why ?
I replied:- Because the painter can't tell me what's wrong with me! Stupid!

When I was a boy, my mother sent me to the grocery store with 5 shilling.

I came home with six eggs, two beers, four tomatoes, a pack of butter and a pack of cigarettes.

You can't do that today.

There are surveillance cameras everywhere...

Advantages of being single:
If I want to go out, I go out
If I want pizza, I eat pizza
If I want to drink beer, I drink beer
If I want to have sex, I eat cake

A thick person says - sex that comes after 5 don't it ???

Donald Trump went on trial today in new York. He intends to testify. If he does, he will be a witless for the prostitution

Friend of mine caught a bucket of fish from the lake when he noticed a uniform approaching.
He quickly hid his fishing rod in some reeds but did not have time enough to hide the bucket.
Turns out - as expected - that the uniform belonged to a fisheries inspector who asked to see my friend's fishing license.
- Sorry, I don't have one.
- That will cost you a hefty fine.
- Why, I haven't done anything wrong.
- Oh really, what about those in your bucket then?
- Ah, but those are my pet fishies.
- Your what now? Pet fishies?
- Yeah, I keep them in an aquarium at home but once every week we come down here and I let them swim around for half an hour till I whistle and they come back into my bucket and we go home again.
- Oh really? Can you prove it?
- Of course, my friend said and let the fishies out into the lake.
After a few minutes the inspector said: - Okay let's hear you whistling then
- Whistling?
- Yeah, you know, to call your fishies back.
- Fishies? What fishies?

Long time friends Sylvia & Wanda meet up in Heaven!!

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?...
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender

The duck asks the bartender "got any grapes?" Bartender replies "no, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes. Now get outta here." The duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns to the bar, walks up to the bartender and again asks, "got any grapes?" Bartender replies "no, I told you yesterday we ain't got no grapes. Now get out of here and if you come back again I'm going to nail your feet to the wall!" The duck leaves.

The next day, yet again the duck returns. The duck walks up to the bartender and says "got any nails?" The bartender replies, "this is a bar, why would I have any nails?" The duck replies "got any grapes?"

A loser goes to one of those "parties" where you throw your car keys in dish and randomly pick one out - for a night with the female partner of those keys
HE picks his own car keys

A huge hairy biker with tattoos all over sat at a bar next to an elderly gentleman in a business suit who told him: - You look like if you had a gun you could rob a bank!

Biker answered: - You look like if you had a bank you could rob an entire population

Question! Where's the best place to find out how much a steak pie weighs ?

Answer and "reason" :-

On a rainbow!

Somewhere over a rainbow, weigh a pie!

OK! So

a follow up

How do I find out ? how much my pet Blue Whale weighs ?

I took it to a whale weigh station

(to the uninitiated = Railway station)


PS! I don't get paid for this cheap stuff

Better keep your daytime job then