h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hairdresser: - Your hair has started to fade, Mr Bond, should I freshen it up a bit?
Mr Bond: - Nah, dye another day

Why are fish so gullible?
They fall for things hook, line and sinker!

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!

What is the fastest fish in the water?
A motorpike

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait. The first priest got up and walked across the water to get some more bait. After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait, so he got up and walked across the water. After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom. The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, “Should we have told him where the rocks were?”

That's one reason why there's a shortage of priests.

[brilliant joke, Rosa. ]


WShy didn't they catch one fish, take it to shore, and multiply it so everyone could have some fish?

1181 Nice one Pierre.

Hunger is no joke. Food pantries have trouble staying stocked.

[Sorry, I can't think of any jokes. Swedish health care workers are quitting in droves from exhaustion over Covid care. Where are the androids when we need them?]

Doctor: IO have good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good new?

Doctor: You don't have Covid-19.

Patient: And the bad news?

Doctor: That's the only good news.

My psychologist suggested I write a letter to all those who had hurt me in the past.

And then I had to burn them.

I must admit that it helped me a lot.

But now I don't know what to do with the letters

Three shepherds entered the stable and were welcomed by Joseph and Mary: - Have you come to worship the Son of God?

- Nah, we just came to park our oxen in our stable. And that baby is sleeping on their food!

if you want to attract angels, put out some harps of gold. The will bend near the earth to touch them.

What do you get if you lie under a cow?
A pat on the head
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we’ll go places
Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
Because they always drop their needles
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
insillitis
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
What do elves learn at school?
The elf-abet
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf-taught
Why are Santa’s deers always wet?
Because they’re raindeers
What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
One that’s deep-pan, crisp, and even
What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes
What did Santa do when he went speed-dating?
He pulled a cracker
How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?
He keeps a logbook

Snowman and his little son was standing out in the garden when it started to snow

The son gleefully said: - Look, Pa, stem cells!

Frosty the Snowman loves big snowstorms. He wants to get two feet of snow.

Here's an idea for a practical joke: Throw at people before yelling "beware!"
And then excuse for your throws being faster than sound

We have hardly any snow left. Plus, someone will worry about virus fragments on the snowballs. That makes it kind of impractical.

But I wouldn't mind throwing snowballs at trees.

Guy 1 asked :- what is a Gorm ?
Guy 2 replied :- Why do you want to know that ?
Guy 1 answered :- People say I'm gormless So do I need one ?

This just in:
"Three of those arrested after the attack on Capitol now turn out to be Finnish Grand Prix musicians who had accidentally strayed into the building as tourists.
“We were simply standing out in front of the building looking at the beautiful pillars when a large crowd suddenly came storming from behind. We had no choice but to follow the flow in," explains Antti Bondejokki* [there is a photo of the socalled Shaman standing between two other guys. I can't upload it here but you have probably already seen it]
Together with his two fellow travelers, he forms the colorful band Makkararullaorkesteri**, which in 2015 won the Finnish Melody Grand Prix with the song "Minulla on ollut kauhea päänsärky siitä lähtien, kun löit minua rullalla"***. The song subsequently achieved a respectabel 21st place in the international melody competition.
The three Finns were arrested over the weekend when the FBI stormed their hotel room and handcuffed them in the belief that they were extremist Trump supporters. They have now been released with a warning not to go around looking like conspiracy theorists from Arkansas."
(from a Danish newspaper, the satire column)

*can roughly be translated into Red Neck
**Sausage Roll Orchestra
***"I've had a terrible headache since you knocked me down with a rolling pin"

I've seen "Comedy Central Roast Of Charlie Sheen" and I remember two nuggets:

- How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen snort in a day?
- Enough to kill Two and a Half Men

- Charlie Sheen is like Jesus. He hung out with hookers and had 12 friends

With a diagnosis of AIDS and a father who has been quarantined for Covid-19, Charlie Sheen has 911 on speed-dial.

We're not saying that he has one foot in the grave, but his parents gave him a respirator for Christmas, just in case.

If they do a reboot of "Topper," Charlie has let it b known that he wants to audition for the part of George kerby, a ghost.

Please guys!

This is a joke thread

proper jokes please......

Dirtiest joke ever told!

about a man who fell into a bag of soot

Gallows humor is still humor, prof. Given that billions of people are worried about Covid-19, would you begrudge us a chance to look for the lighter side of living with health problems?

Charlie Sheen's health is so bad...

---His chauffeur is required to know CPR.

--he starred in the video for a song called "Quarantine." (It reads like a joke, but is true.)

-2 and a half men came to take him to the hospital.

[I will get off the subject of Charlie Sheen now. I didn't originally bring him up as a subject...]

'cause not!