This is the Message Centre for Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1101

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

1. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut and a BBQ?
A barberqueue

2. Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

3. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps

4. What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train

5. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days

6.How do snowmen get around?
By riding an ‘icicle

7.How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger

8.What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette

9. What do frogs wear on their feet?
Open toad sandals

10. How do you know if Santa's been in your garden shed?
You've got three extra hoes


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1102

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

Those are all brilliant, Rosa. smiley - applause

The war was going very badly. The King was looking around for something he could tax that wasn't already being taxed. Then he thought of the deer in his forests.

Well, it was easy to tax the fawns that each doe gave birth to. The King needed more revenue, though. He tried taxing each of the harts, but the day after this tax went into effect, they all died. The reason? Hart a tax!


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1103

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

smiley - cuddlesmiley - smooch

I agree with Paul - Brilliant katsmiley - smiley

Once a King! Always a King - Once a Knight! Is quite enough smiley - winkeye


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1104

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

Who's that over there ?
That's Iziah.
Is that because he's got 1 eyes higher than the other ?
No! It's because his father couldn't spell Robert


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1105

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

A man in his so-called best age was in hospital. On his deathbed. His wife sat beside him.
- Woman?
- Yes, dear?
- You have always stood by me. You were there when I took sick. You were there when I lost my job because of that. You were there when I went broke. You were there when we were evicted. You were there when we had to live in that cardboard box under the old bridge. You were there when I had the stroke. And now you are here at my deathbed. You know what?
- No, dear?
- I think you are bad luck!

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1106

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Thanks Paul, they are Christmas cracker jokes

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 tents and another 2 tents and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already own a tent!”



Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1107

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

What is the favourite beverage amongst trees?
(Tree) Root Beer smiley - ale.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1108

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

Trees make terrible mathematicians because they can't make square roots.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1109

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

When I told the young priest how I spent my spare time doing origami he smiley - blushed and warned me that it might make me go blind and grow hair in my palms smiley - huh

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1110

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

When I was in Florida, I visited a fortune teller. She looked at my life-line and predicted I would fall in love with a fortune-teller. It was love among the palms.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1111

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q: Why are dogwood trees such wonderful pets?
A: They have a great bark, but wooden bite.

Q: Why were so many people sitting under the tree?
A: It was poplar.

Q: How do two rival forests get along?
A: They sign a peace tree-ty

Q: What looks like half a tree?
A: The other half.

Q: Which tree grows chicken?
A: Poultree.

Q: What did the tree say after he made an offer?
A: Take it or leaf it.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1112

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

There's a limb-it to the number of branches on a tree.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1113

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

A young married woman has got very irate because her husband is late coming home again from work again!,so decided to leave him a note on the bedroom dressing table saying:-

"I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"

Then she hid herself under the bed to watch his reaction.

After about 30minutes the husband came home and she could hear him in the kitchen taking his shoes off, he then heads to the bedroom's on-suite (probably to take a shower ?) She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... At LAST! She's finally gone...OK! I know it's about bloody time, But I’m coming to see you now, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like and more.

He hung up, grabbed his car keys and left.

She heard as the car drive off and she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage! Along with tears in her eyes" She grabbed the note to see what he wrote:-

My dear love! I could see your feet under the bed, we're outta bread and I'll be back in five minutes, have the kettle on
smiley - hug


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1114

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

Young buddhist mon: - Nothing makes sense smiley - erm

Old buddhist monk: - It really does, doesn't it? smiley - smiley

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1115

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

Nothing could be truer than that.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1116

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

Two nuns were driving in their car and were traveling together to a convent in a European Country.
They were just going through part of Transylvania and stopped at a train crossing.
Suddenly, out of the darkness of night a diminutive vampire jumps onto the bonnet of the car and glares through the wind-shield at them.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary - What shall we do ?
Sister Magdalena replies! Turn the wind-shield wipers on and THAT might get rid of the unholy being ?
Sister Mary switches them on and they only push the vampire about a bit, but he still clings on and continues glaring at the nuns.
What shall I do now ?
Have you any Holy Water on you ?
NO!
Right! So then show him your cross! That'll work!
So the Sister winds down the car window and yells at the vampire! Hey you! Get off my ****ing car!


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1117

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

"I hear you have a new job."

"Yes, the Mayor's office hired me and gave me sweeping powers."

"What kind of powers?"

"I'm a janitor."


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1118

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

Husband and wife enters furniture shop looking for bunk beds for their offspring:
- One for Elizabeth and Sharon, one for for George and Sam, one for Lily and Susan, one for ...
- Would have been cheaper with one for you and the missus smiley - rolleyes

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1119

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

here's a store that only sells bunk beds. It's called the Bunk Squad.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 1120

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

Psychiatrist to patient: - But there actually is a person following you. He's trying to make you pay the bill I sent you two months ago

smiley - pirate


Key: Complain about this post

Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

More Conversations for Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more