h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Numbers one through ten decided to go on a cruise. Suddenly they realized that someone would need to steer the ship. Which number was chosen for this?

Eight. He was the navig-eight-or.

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.
I answered I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed ...

Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
A: You make my temperature rise.
Q: Why don't meteorologists like to dine out on the moon?
A: The moon has no atmosphere.

Why are you being so Cirrus?
We need a stratusgy.

Q: What did the Cyclone say to the palm tree?
A: Hang onto your leaves, this will be no ordinary breeze.
Q: What an Earthquakes favourite song?
A: "Shake, Rattle and Roll!"

A comedian once tried to make fog laugh.
It was mist tickle.

Which favourite song writer of astronomers and astrologers?
Fred Mercury.

I was asked today if I believe in reincarnation.
I answered that I never did in any of my former lives and since that never gave me any troubles I didn't see any good reason to break this habit in the present.

A Bajoran monk, a clone, and a Ferengi decide to go bowling together...

The Ferengi says, wow, I was at a club last night where the holodecks have the best oo-mox programmes and I did not want to leave. What do you two do for pleasure. The Bajoran monk replies, I don't. I try to live my live with the abstinence from worldly pleasures so that I may focus on spirituality. The Ferengi looks at him and says, don't be a hypocrite, you are going bowling with us for crying out loud, I think you only pretend to be a monk in order to claim vow of poverty when it comes to pay the bar bill. How about you clone, now be honest. What do you do for pleasure? The clone looks down and appears ashamed. I make Xerox copies of my posterior.

When my children were young, I used to have a musical instrument look after them when I went out - it was a baby sitar

When the sun is going through the solar cycle, it always wears their solar flares when riding their solar bi-cycle.

Two men were observing the flooding due to the swollen river.
When one said - LOOK! There's a railway station floating down the river..
The other man replied - don't worry, because it's a polling station

Two old friends went on a hunt to shoot some hares but didn't hit any.
On the way home, one said: Never mind, the gravy is the best part anyway.

I went hunting and shot two bunnies. I carried them home on rabbit transit.

I asked my boss if it was true that he once studied business economics at Harvard.
- Yeah, and professor Kelman told me repeatedly I would never succeed at anything.
- Kelman, you say? That name rings a bell. Wait! That old geezer in the copy room is named Kelman, isn't he?
- You got that right ...

It was a sad day for young Billy when he accidentally kicked his through a window.
The owner of the house came out immediately and shouted: - Who's your dad?
- I don't know.
- You don't know? You are - what? -seven years old? - and you don't know the name of your father?
- Yeah, so what? My Mam is 29 and she doesn't know it either

A hobbled into the saloon and went up to the bar-keep and said! I'm looking for the man who shot my paw

Teacher: use the word "saloon" in a sentence.
Student: I went to the White Mountains with my family, and along the way I saw Loon Mountain.

Bank advisor: - Do you have a pension plan, Sir?

Me: - Yep. After I retire I plan to buy a parrot, a whale and a turtle to see if it's true they can become more than 100 years old

Why are Christmas trees very bad at knitting?

Because they always drop their needles

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?

One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm

What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker.

When do vampires like racing?

When it’s neck and neck

What’s a dog’s favourite carol?

Bark, the herald angels sing

What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?

Twerky.

What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Snowflakes

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?

He gives them the sack

What do you give a dog for Christmas?

A mobile bone

Why did the pony have to gargle?

Because it was a little horse.

Husband: - Do we really need to buy a Christmas tree? It loses its effing needles in just a matter of days! And why all these effing gifts that no one actually bothers to receive And turkey again? I'm so tired of turkey It's only a year ago we had it last!
Wife: - Oh dear, can't you please get into the Christmas spirit already?
Husband (at the top of his voice): - THIS IS MY EFFING CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!

After his death it turned out Schrödinger had been either dyslectic or very short sighted: When his heirs went through his belongings they found a rat in one of his boxes.

They could not agree on whether it was half dead or half alive ...

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Fang Syne

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

For Christmas, my cousin gave me a yak, and told me that its name was Cardy. "Just don't don't let Cardy out of the house," my cousin cautioned.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of disadvantages to having a yak running around inside. I figured it would be okay to put a leash on him nd tak him for a walk.

Unfortunately, as soon as we got as far as the street, a police care pulled over and arrested him. It was a Cardy Yak arrest.