h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Q: What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he offers them one of his sandwiches?

A: I hope you like jammin'g too.

Passenger - Station master, does the gravy train pass through here ?
Station Master - Yes it always runs on this line.

My grandfather was always wiping his nose,e specially during the pollen season. My father followed suit, and now I'm doing it. Noses run in our family.

Sue: - Are you coming to Lucy's 42nd b-day?
Lil: - Yeah, but I don't know what to give her.
Sue: - How about a calculator so she can figure out her real age?

Why does the longest human nose record only 11 inches long?
Because if it were 12 inches long, it would be a foot!

I worried about my cousin, who was always roaming around. He was footloose, but Igor told me not to worry. A new foot could always be dug up for him.

Wife: - You haven't heard a word of what I've said!

Hubby: - What a strange way to start a conversation

Q: What is a superhero's favourite part of the joke?
A: The "punch" line!
Q: How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. They like the dark.
Q: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?
A: He was the bat-boy.
Q: How does Batman's mother call him to dinner? A: (tune of 1960's theme) Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman!
Q: Who is the sassiest supervillain?
A: Sassquatch!

The door manager's nickname is donkey!

why's that ?

ask him!

George says your nickname is donkey ?

heehaw heehaw to know better

Vacillating donkeys say "Hem and haw."

What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day!
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg white.
How do eggs leave the highway?
By going through the eggs-it.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up!
How do monsters like their eggs? Terri-fried!

Women Guilds forum.

Is your husband easy to please ?
Dunno ? I've never tried

A man who had one leg, no arms and three eyes was waiting for a bus stop. The bus came, when the bus conductor said, "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless hop in.".

The man with a nose bleed said, I thought it was blood, but it'snot

Wife: So what did the say?
Husband: He said I'll live till I'm 132
Wife:

Wife calls on the phone and asks: What did you tell my husband?
: I suggested he's having a mid life crisis

The Greenlander appeared in court and the judge asked him: Where were you in the night between October and April?

Man tells his psychiatrist: - I always had this feeling my parents hated me.

Shrink: Why's that?

Man: - The toys in my bathroom were a radio and a toaster

Doctor! I started with feelings of being a road ?

What's come over you ?

3 wagons/2 cars/a caravan

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."