h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The colonel was furious and at the end of a long tirade roared at his men: "What am I, a nut?"

From the back row came the answer: "No, kernel"

I needed a lot of haggis for a big party on Burns Night so I asked the employment agency to send me an organ grinder, but when I saw his instrument and the little monkey I knew they had got it all wrong

And if you had insisted that it be organic, you'd have gotten the same result.

Or, whoever got your order decided to monkey with the results.

Back in my childhood a former RAF pilot came to tell us about his "work" during the great war:
Pilot: - There were Fockers to the right of me and Fockers to the left of me but with some gutsy moves I succeded in getting out of there while hitting some of them badly.
Teacher: - I should probably explain that when the pilot says - erm - Fockers, he means a certain brand of German air planes.
Pilot: - Yeah, but some of those Fockers were Heinkels and Junckers.

Not everyone will see the humor in this, but when Trump refused to sign legislation funding government operations, one of the agencies that would have been funded was the Immigration and naturalization Service. Tens of thousands of aliens waiting to become citizens could not have their hearings. Trump has admonished would-be citizens to go through the channels, and here he was shutting down the channels for 35 days.

What is the difference between a lawyer/solicitor and a Rhinoceros ?

I lawyer/solicitor charges more

A new film has been released - staring Rennie and the Settlers in Gone With the Wind

Rincewind tried to make an army of orcs vanish, and he certainly succeeded. Unfortunately, all of DiscWorld followed suit. He wrote a book about it: "Gone with the wand."

George and Harry, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day George didn't show up. Harry didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after George hadn't shown up for a week or so, Harry really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Harry didn't know where George lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Harry figured he had seen the last of George, but one day, Harry approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat George! Harry was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud George, what in the world happened to you?'
George replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Harry. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' George said, 'you know that cute little blonde waitress Alice I told you about, at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, the little gold-digging vixen figured I was plenty rich and she filed rape charges against me; and me at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Marriage is a sentence that starts with another sentence: "I do."

Marriage is called "Ehe" in German. It is of course an abbreviation of the Latin words "Errare humanum est" which means "it is human to err"

The 3 rings of a marital relationship are:-
Engagement ring - Wedding ring and suffe'ring

One ring to hold them all: A daily call from the mother-in-law

(This thread is turning into a Greek tragedy )

back to jokes then

a dirty joke to get past the "mods"

a man fell in a bag of soot

Last night a large quantity of sand, cement and gravel were stolen from a local builder's yard.
A police spokesman said they are looking for some concrete evidence to help catch the thieves.

The country of China has disappeared think it's a Chinese takeaway

The cannibal was sick to his stomach. He had eaten a person that didn't agree with him

Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he’s the best.

Q: What is the most important day in Egypt?
A: Mummy’s Day.

Q: How can you tell if King Tut’s mummy has a horrible cold?
A: By his deep, loud coffin.

Q: What kind of makeup do Egyptian mummies wear?
A: Mas-scare-a

Q: What kind of roads do mummies in Egypt like living on?
A: Dead Ends.

Q: What did King Tutankhamun say when he had a nightmare?
A: I want my mummy.