h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Famous Danish humorist (among other things) Robert Storm Petersen was walking in a cemetery one fine summer day and saw two grave diggers resting after digging a fresh grave. Both were sat on the edge of the grave with their legs dangling down its sides.

Storm Petersen said: "I see you have been allowed up today?"

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.

The priest called the police station and complained there was a dead pig in the road

- Oh, I thought the church took care of the dead, said the witty constable in charge

- It does, but we always notify next of kin, answered the priest

Some one has sent me an e mail with the following.
Texts for OAPS
MYOB (Mind your own business) Make your own Boveril
IMHO (In my humble opinion) It's my hip operation
TBC (To be continued) To be cremated
OMG (Oh my God) Oh my gout
ETA (Estimated time of arrival) Eigth time of asking

I thought it's blood, but it'snot

What did the vampire order at the bar? A Bloody Mary
What kind of dog does a vampire have? A Blood Hound
I worked with a vampire once. They were a real pain in the neck.
Why would a vampire need cold medicine? For their coffin
What do you call a vampire snowman? Frostbite
I love it when Vampires race. It’s always neck and neck.
Why are vampire families so close? Because blood is thicker than water
How do vampires flirt? Batting their eyes
Vampires have the most active clubs. They’re always looking for new blood.
The vampire broke up with their boyfriend because he wasn’t her type.
How do vampires go sailing? On blood vessels
Where do vampires have their savings accounts? The blood bank
I heard being a vampire really sucks.

A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...
"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"
Being the 'Kind Hearted Yorkshireman', he thought,
"What the heck, I'll treat her!"
... So they walked past it again...

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it?

Reminds me of the night I took a bus home from the bus garage. Took me hours to find one that read "York" on the front...

Q. What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Q. What food do you get when you cross Frosty with a polar bear?
A. A "brrr" - "grrr"!

Q. What did Frosty's girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
A. The cold shoulder!

Q. Who are Frosty's parents?
A. Mom and Pop-Sicle!

Q. Who is Frosty's favourite Aunt?
A. Aunt Artica!

Just dropped in and had a good giggle. For a moment I almost believed you Prof knowing your liking for a

It was very topical because in my area they are targeting young drivers in particular 'the morning after' now to see how far over the limit they are. A bit like shutting the door after the horse has bolted!

Websailor

all done in the best possible taste Webbie and another of my threads aimed at bringing smiles

always open for business

Whats Gollums favourite bird? A Smee-Gull!


Who was Elronds favourite Rock Star ? Elvish Presley!

Gandalf wasn’t the best driving instructor everytime someone takes a test he yells “You shall NOT pass!”

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband -- that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

An elderly gentleman walked into a fancy jeweler's with a stunningly gorgeous blonde one fine friday evening and asked for a nice ring for his young girlfriend. The Jeweller showed the couple a few rings in the area of £10.000 but the man wanted something a bit more special, so they finally decided on a platinum ring with a cluster of diamonds

- That'll cost you £20.000, said the jeweller, - how would you like to pay?

- I'll write you a check, said the gentleman

- Ah, but I will have to have it verified, said the jeweller - and that can't be done until Monday morning. I'm very sorry

- That's alright, said the gentleman. - You can keep the ring until then. No problem

Monday morning saw the elderly man enter the jeweller's where the store owner confronted him with the bad news, that his check had bounced.
- I know, said the gentleman, - now let me tell you about the fantastic weekend I just had

An old man walking down the road, dragging his left foot. He got to the corner and around the corner came an old man dragging his left foot. The first said Telemark, 70 years ago, pointing to his leg. The second replied. Dog muck two minutes ago.

What is cross between a builder and a snake?
A boa constructor.

An elephant went in to a cocktail bar and sat watching the piano player. Suddenly the elephant burst into tears. Yes, said the piano player. It is a sad song, isn't it? Do you recognise it?
The elephant said, no, but I recognise the keys.

What happens if you play table tennis with a bad egg?
It goes ping, then it goes pong.

Did you hear about the wizard who turned his friend into an egg?
He kept trying to poach his ideas.

What do you call an egg that goes on safari?
An eggs-plorer!

What happens when you tell an egg a joke?
It cracks up!

How many eggs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Eggs don't have hands.

What day of the week do chickens hate the most?
Fry-day

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan!

Why did the chicken cross the internet?
To get to the other site!

Why can't you tease egg whites?
They can't take a yolk.

USA sent Jerry Springer to the UK. The UK was going to send him back, but the USA might have thought of that as an act of agression. The UK got it's own back though. They sent Jeremy Kyle to the USA.
Evil chuckle Evil chuckle