A Conversation for 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Peer Review: A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 1

Bluebottle

Entry: 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series - A87888668
Author: Bluebottle - U43530

You can never have too much of the Psammead.

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A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 2

SashaQ - happysad

More Psammead - excellent!

Who is looked after by Bessie - the well ones or the ill ones?

Nice section about the steam railway smiley - ok

"a right sew and sew " - should this be in inverted commas, too?

Aunt Marchmont is another 'Charlotte' who did as she was told as a child and carried on into adulthood...

Good review, but I wonder if there needs to be a closing sentence so that the Entry finishes on a note different from 'distress'.

smiley - ok


A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 3

Bluebottle

Good points all – I've tidied up the introduction and rearranged the ending so that it ends on a much more positive note, with melting rather than distress.smiley - snowman

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A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 4

SashaQ - happysad

smiley - ok


A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 5

Zarquon's Singing Fish!

Reading through this. This sentence is a bit clunky:

"She also, under the influence of the Dobbs family, is planning to evict Dawkins and his young daughter Little Lil from their home on their estate. "

It could better be phrased, "Under the influence of the Dobbs family, she is also is planning to evict Dawkins and his young daughter Little Lil from their home on their estate. "

or even,

"She is also is planning to evict Dawkins and his young daughter Little Lil from their home on their estate because of the influence of the Dobbs family."

>smiley - hsifsmiley - musicalnote


A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 6

Florida Sailor All is well with the world

I would like to get rid of the Their - their riddle. We should not use the same pronoun in a single sentence to refer two different persons or families.

Maybe "Under the influence of her family, she is also is planning to evict Dawkins and his young daughter, Little Lil, from their home on the Dobb's estate. "


F smiley - dolphin S


A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 7

Zarquon's Singing Fish!

FS, yes, a better option than either of the ones I suggested.

smiley - fishsmiley - musicalnote


A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 8

Bluebottle

Thanks both of you for your comments, I've split that sentence into two so hopefully it makes more sense and is clearer, so let me know what you think.smiley - smiley

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A87888668 - 'Return of the Psammead' - the Television Series

Post 9

Zarquon's Singing Fish!

Yes, that's much better. smiley - cheers

smiley - fishsmiley - musicalnote


Congratulations - Your Entry has been Recommended for the Edited Guide!

Post 10

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Your Guide Entry has just been picked from Peer Review by one of our Scouts, and is now heading off into the Editorial Process, which ends with publication in the Edited Guide. We've moved this Review Conversation out of Peer Review and to the entry itself.

If you'd like to know what happens now, check out the page on 'What Happens after your Entry has been Recommended?' at EditedGuide-Process. We hope this explains everything.

Thanks for contributing to the Edited Guide!


Congratulations - Your Entry has been Recommended for the Edited Guide!

Post 11

SashaQ - happysad

Congratulations! Excellent to see the Psammead heading into the Edited Guide smiley - biggrin


Congratulations - Your Entry has been Recommended for the Edited Guide!

Post 12

Bluebottle

Yes, and there'll be more fantasy nostalgia heading to Peer Review soon(ish).smiley - ok

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Congratulations - Your Entry has been Recommended for the Edited Guide!

Post 13

Galaxy Babe - eclectic editor

smiley - applause


Congratulations - Your Entry has been Recommended for the Edited Guide!

Post 14

bobstafford

smiley - applause well done smiley - ale


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Post 15

ChiKiSpirit III

Well done! A huge amount of time and effort put into this but somehow I feel the smiley - magic of the psammead has been lost.


Congratulations - Your Entry has been Recommended for the Edited Guide!

Post 16

Bluebottle

I'm sorry you feel the smiley - magic has been lost, but I would like to assure you that the sparkle is exactly the same as it always was and in exactly the same place.

'Five Children and It' and 'Return of the Psammead' were magical television series and a much-loved part of my childhood. This entry isn't trying to compete with that or detract from it – in effect its job is to be a giant signpost saying 'Wact these television series – they're fantastic! Come on, look over here ->'
As a rule, signposts aren't exciting, but that doesn't mean the place they're pointing to isn'tsmiley - fairy
If there's any specific areas you think can be tightened up or improved, feel free to say.

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