h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*a holograph of Axe appears*

This is Operative Storm of the h2g2 Mercenaries. I have tasked myself with showing any potential joiners of this orginization both sides of the story.

Captain Venom, my former employer, my former friend, has declared war upon the Borg. The Borg have not attacked him or, in fact anyone else. The Collective has a new policy: voluntary assimilation. No person who does not wish to join is forced to.

I have seen both sides of this argument. On the first side, and the one which the Mercenaries originally took, is that of Captain Venom. I will talk about that first. Captain Venom has decided that the Borg are his enemies. He has no reason for doing so. His discriminatory mindset see the Borg as a threat, with no reason. He has made no effort to explain why he is doing this.

On the other side is the view taken by the Mercenaries, including myself, and the Borg themselves. The Borg have done no damage to anyone. They are guilty of nothing, and are being attacked by a group of discriminative, small-minded people who cannot accept anything which is different from themselves. We have done nothing wrong.

Captain Venom has violated the Laws of Continuity numerous times today. He has attacked an innocent bystander in the Cat/Dog wars. We, the h2g2 Mercenaries, were hired by the Borg to defend them against these prejudiced people. We will not fail.

At this very moment, directed by the ship which I am projecting this message from, the full force of the h2g2 Mercenaries is on a direct course with the Starpilot Hotel Space Station. We have been ordered to destroy anyone who attacks the Borg, especially those who do it unprovokedly. We are therefore attacking the SHSS. Weapons are loose and the pilots have been briefed. We will accept only three things:

1. Captain Venom ends his crusade against the Borg.
2. Captain Venom unconditionally surrenders his station (and himself) to us, in which case it will be destroyed and he will be dealt with.
3. The total anilallation of the Starpilot Hotel Space Station and the apprehension of Captain Venom.

Those are our terms. Thank you for listening.

Captain Venom, this is my Starpilot Staff ID card.

*throws it at him*

Captain Venom, I unreservedly resign from my post as Bartender of the Starpilot Hotel Space Station with immediate effect. I would like to take this opportunity to tell you something:

When we first met, you were a fun-loving, shooting pilot, with the SHSS as your base of operations. You have become something else, and I cannot stand to be with you any longer. You have become the personification of something that I hate: prejudiced, terroristic and anti-freeminded. Even if the h2g2 Mercenaries halt their Campaign, I will attack you for as long as I draw breath.

You have angered me, Captain Venom. That is not a good thing.

Thank you, and good night.

*the hologram disappears, leaving a hand-written transcription of the speech on the floor*

Aformentioned hologram was made by collecting together dust particles with a micro-tractor beam. Which can penetrate EMP.

*posts the piece of paper on the signup board*
It should be known... I'm not one to stop you.

Yah! And that's why my Office now whirs AND makes the occasional attempt on my life.

Amen to that! Is it still whirring? I'll be right over with a disruption generator...

I'm sorry to hear your resigning Axe. I hope I see you around.

Thanks Fred.

A regrettable but unavoidable situation...

*starts to read his backlog*