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A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
David B - Singing Librarian Owl Started conversation Feb 11, 2009
Entry: A Stiff Valentine - A47029160
Author: David B - Singing Librarian Owl - U201818
I'm pretty certain that this will be my Stretcher Entry for this week, but I am deeply unsatisfied with it. I think I'm having trouble managing both 'stiff' and 'valentine' at the same time. And the meter feels trite.
So...am I being overly self-critical (I normally write either very introspective or very silly poetry, and this is neither, so it's hard to judge it) or is it as bad as I fear?
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
LL Waz Posted Feb 11, 2009
I enjoyed it. It fits the theme, the whole thing feels repressed. If it were any longer I think the meter would grate, but it didn't for these three verses.
The third verse is the strongest, maybe more interesting word choices. The poetical love references were fun. Thinking back, I surprised this guy knew them!
It's a neat take on a valentine.
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
minorvogonpoet Posted Feb 11, 2009
I like this.
It effectively conveys a certain (perhaps old-fashioned) British understatement. I can imagine a stiff accountant writing this to his girlfriend.
A couple of crits: the rhythm of the line beginning 'Less pleasant' is a bit awkward. I would suggest 'I think you would agree'.
And I wasn't sure about the line 'It is no thing, has no amount'. If you agree with me about the accountant image, how about 'It has no cost and no amount'?
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
David B - Singing Librarian Owl Posted Feb 11, 2009
Thanks, LLWaz and minorvogonpoet.
mvp, I have altered the 'less pleasant' line, but in a slightly different way, and adopted your idea of 'has no cost' instead of 'is no thing'. 
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor Posted Feb 11, 2009
Very amusing poem. I believe it conveys what you want it to convey - in a sly and ultimately warm way.
This one's a keeper.
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
David B - Singing Librarian Owl Posted Feb 11, 2009
Not a poem that it would be wise to present to my real lady love on Valentine's Day, though, I fear! But then, I have actually used the l word before now, rather than skirted round it like this chap does.
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
frenchbean Posted Feb 11, 2009
Goodness! What reticence. You convey it so well. Good one 
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
minichessemouse - Ahoy there me barnacle! Posted Feb 11, 2009
Different, but in a good way.
mini
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
Tibley Bobley Posted Feb 11, 2009
Uptight or what? Too much for a real woman perhaps - but might possibly suit an inflated one
It's good
Key: Complain about this post
A47029160 - A Stiff Valentine
- 1: David B - Singing Librarian Owl (Feb 11, 2009)
- 2: LL Waz (Feb 11, 2009)
- 3: minorvogonpoet (Feb 11, 2009)
- 4: David B - Singing Librarian Owl (Feb 11, 2009)
- 5: Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor (Feb 11, 2009)
- 6: David B - Singing Librarian Owl (Feb 11, 2009)
- 7: Galaxy Babe - eclectic editor (Feb 11, 2009)
- 8: frenchbean (Feb 11, 2009)
- 9: minichessemouse - Ahoy there me barnacle! (Feb 11, 2009)
- 10: Tibley Bobley (Feb 11, 2009)
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