A Conversation for The Alternative Writing Workshop

A3347598 - Babies Milk Travelled Well

Post 1

Deety

Entry: Babies Milk Travelled Well - A3347598
Author: Deeety - U767438

Back in the early 90's ...


A3347598 - Babies Milk Travelled Well

Post 2

sprout

People in the UK can be so miserable about kids. I well remember sitting in godforsaken 'child rooms' in pubs when my parents would be out with me and my brothers. That would be more the eighties to be fair.

The end of this feels a bit like it goes out with a whimper - doesn't quite work for me.


sprout


A3347598 - Babies Milk Travelled Well

Post 3

Dr Anthea - ah who needs to learn things... just google it!

I think this is a good artical, shows a nice personal view,


A3347598 - Babies Milk Travelled Well

Post 4

Deety

Yes, the ending as usual in most of my pieces is a little tame... What am I trying to say…

um basically that Tuscan bars are great especially if you have a wife and two kids and like sipping wine whilst sat on the terrace overlooking some beautiful countryside listening to the sweet sound of Baby’s wind.

BUT

you wouldn’t find me dead in one if I was single…or didn’t have kids…. I mean it’s ok for a few weeks… but enough is enough…. I want the lights of London… I want to be in a smoke filled room with wall to wall temptation… Not in a place which is recomended by the church digest..



A3347598 - Babies Milk Travelled Well

Post 5

nadia

Sprout's not wrong about the ending *waves to sprout*.

I thought it started well, good solid images and a nice pace but it dribbled off and didn't quite ammount to anything. It ended us sort of wishy washy and passionless. Not quite rant not quite introspective meander. It reads as though you had a good idea for a piece but didn't think it through or plan the whole piece before you started writing.

But, I think there's a good piece of writing in there if you give it a vigorous reworking. I'd suggest working on the images involved, the Tuscan setting is by far the strongest as it stands. You've got a few nice touches that bring it to life there (perhaps that's because it is a foreign setting for you so your observations are less clouded by familiarity?). The images of british pubs just aren't as clear or well evoked. Then you need to tweak it to get the message across more effectively.

From what you've said in the thread you have some ambivalance about the whole children in pubs issue. You've largely played that down in the entry. I think it would work better if you emphasised the irony of being in favour of excluding children from adult venues, except that you now find yourself on the wrong side of that rule.

N


A3347598 - Babies Milk Travelled Well

Post 6

Deety

Thanks for the comments Nadia.

Both you and Sprout are right, the ending is a little tame. It was just supposed to be a simple (not to much effort) experience which I thought would be nice to share, although your comments have nudged me to NOT be so lazy and try harder.

But as I am still rather lazy I have decided to expanded a bit on the beginning (‘started well part’) and then sort of repeat it for the end….

Not sure if it works….



A3347598 - Babies Milk Travelled Well

Post 7

Dr Anthea - ah who needs to learn things... just google it!

I find that the two contrasting images works quite well in my opinion, convaying the simalarities and the differances in the two cultures


A3347598 - Babies Milk Travelled Well

Post 8

Mrs Zen

Hi Deety

Good to see you are still musing on Tuscany and not-Tuscany. I do enjoy these.

My feelings on this were that it was a bit loose. I think it would do with some tightening - perhapse some dates (give or take a year) - and tightening up the paragraphing. Lots of short paragraphs make it appear longer and more complex than it is.

Are you intending to work on it? If you did it could be a better piece of writing, and none of us here do our best without revision.

As I said - I enjoy what you write. But can I enjoy it more....?

Cheers

Ben


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