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A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 1

Bluebottle

Entry: The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs - A87910356
Author: Bluebottle - U43530

A book

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A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 2

SashaQ - happysad - Editor

I like the sentence you used when you put this in the Edited Guide Writing Workshop: "An unusual trilogy that consists of a novel, a novella and a novelette but showcases Burroughs at his best." smiley - ok

Can you work that into the introduction, somehow? smiley - grovel

I'm not very familiar with Edgar Rice Burroughs' work, so as I'm reading this I just get the sensation that I'm missing something so I don't quite understand what's going on... smiley - weird

"With this plan in mind, Burroughs wrote a new introductory story, novel The Moon Maid, which established the main characters as well as the Kalkar race on the Moon. " - what plan? He's already rewritten the novella by the time we get to this paragraph! I don't think you need to mention "the Kalkar race on the moon" here because I don't know what that is and don't care until I get to the second sentence and see that Earth has been conquered, so you can then explain it was conquered by the Kalkar race on the Moon smiley - ok

Who is the King? British, or American?

You mention Burroughs includes references to tie all his novels together, but you don't say what the references are to - I think you need to say which novel included John Carter in 1886.

I can't understand that paragraph - John Carter travelled from Earth to Mars in 1886, but it is impossible to travel from Mars to Earth?

I think you need to explain about the moon being hollow first, and then explain the similarities with Pellucidar.

" Despite this, most believe that the universe, except for Va-nah, is solid rock." - despite what?

Who is the hero of The Moon Maid?

"There live the U-Ga, humans who have resisted the oppressive uprising of the Kalkars. The U-Ga used to rule the Moon until a political movement called the Kalkars (meaning 'The Thinkers') revolted." - I think this would be clearer if it simply said "There live the U-Ga, humans who used to rule the Moon until a political movement called the Kalkars (meaning 'The Thinkers') revolted."

"Despite the difference in gravity" - despite, or because of? Moon residents become stronger on Earth too? "Humans and U-Ga can reproduce." - you've said that U-Ga (and Kalkar) *are* humans so this doesn't need stating?

Phew - the Julian family and the immortality of Tarzan are mind-stretching concepts... You say Julian is reincarnated as his grandson but then say he is reincarnated as his grandfather - is it genuinely that confusing in the book? I like footnote 5 immensely smiley - ok

"his woman, Juana" - I think we need some speechmarks round this if that's a quote of Burroughs...

You've already told me about the plot, and now you have sections telling me about the plots of each section of the book... I would be very pleased if you could merge things together, to refer to each section of the book at the place where it is involved in the plot as I don't care about these books enough to read about them twice in one sitting, sorry... From what I've read so far, I'm not sure I would particularly enjoy them, sadly...

The Paperback Writer section is good (although a bit repetitive in the middle) and would perhaps fit nicely nearer the Journey to the Moon section smiley - ok

The Review section is too much on top of two Plot sections smiley - wah YOu mention ingredients that you've already mentioned in the introductory sections. This could be tightened up into a Politics section, because that was missing higher up smiley - ok

"Had he intended this to result in the Burroughs who has been appointed into an important political position taking action that would prevent this whole timeline from coming to pass?" - Burroughs?


A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 3

Tavaron da Quirm - Arts Editor

Hi, BB smiley - smiley that seem to be very intersting books.

I agree with Sasha on the introduction and also about not knowing the writer.

Also:

You call the moon people 'humans' on the one hand, on the other hand you say they can mate with humans, so they are a different race? MAybe they are not humans but humanoids? Human-like aliens?

'By 2408 the Kalkars under Julian 18th..' to me that somehow sounds like Julian rules the Kalkars, but maybe that's a language issue I have.

The thing about the different Julians is very confusing.


A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 4

Bluebottle

Thanks for your comments, changes have been made. All events relating to the plots of the book are now in their relevant sections, so after introducing the background against which the stories are set, there is only one plot section per book.

smiley - jesterWho is the King? British, or American?
America doesn't have a king, using a separation of powers model with power held by an executive president, legislature Senate and Congress and a judiciary. But I've changed it to 'Britain's King'.smiley - silly

smiley - marsI've added some information in a footnote about John Carter. Essentially his spirit travelled from Earth to Mars in 1886 and gained a new astral body, but his original physical form did not.

smiley - huhIs it genuinely that confusing in the book?
smiley - modEdgar Rice Burroughs is an author who was not afraid to contradict himself or change his mind partway through a novel. Not only because the chapters were serialised over a few months, he'd happily contradict himself on the same page. He is especially good at setting up ideas and possibilities for the future, and then ignoring them. Almost every novel he writes would contain the set-ups for about 5 different sequel ideas, most of which are never taken up. (This is partly why he has inspired so much spin-offs such as films, comics, fan fiction etc. He was the first author to really embrace the idea of having a character across multimedia, with 'Tarzan' stories in his novels, radio, comics, films etc).
It looks like Burroughs kept changing his mind about how the reincarnation worked, and whether it was unique to Julian or not. It might possibly have been an inherited feature of the ruling family of Laythe and the reason why the Jemadar held power, and when Julian 5th married the Jemadav with whom he had son Julian 6th, the Julian family inherited this ability (but also somehow affecting Julian 5th's grandfather Julian 3rd who died before Julian 5th was born). There is a deleted scene from 'The Moon Maid' in which the princess says that she is a reincarnation, but this was deleted and no hint of it makes the final story – although Julian 3rd at one point sees a woman across a crowded room that he implies will be reincarnated as the soul mate of one of his descendants, but after this observation is made, she never sees him and is never referred to ever again.
He seems to suggest that Julian 3rd is the reincarnation of all the future Julians, but also that they are him reincarnated. But as far as character and personality are concerned they are all interchangeable so you can just read the stories and assume that it is always the same hero.

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A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 5

SashaQ - happysad - Editor

"America doesn't have a king"

They did in 1967! smiley - elvis

Doing a quick wordcount (3,700) I think the Entry is longer than it was before, so I read it again with trepidation as I felt it was too long when I read it last time...

You still use the phrase 'With this plan in mind' which can be deleted to avoid the confusion about what plan. The repetition in Paperback Writer section seems to be still there...

Better not to mention John Carter in the Julian section, as you've already given a sufficient number of examples, and you say helpful things about John later on smiley - ok

The paragraph beginning "Although Julian 3rd remembers his future lives" doesn't mean anything at this stage. I think you're better off just saying something along the lines of, "Confusingly, it is implied that Julian is reincarnated into *previous* lives, so rather than being reincarnated into one of his descendants in the future, he is pre-incarnated into one of his ancestors in the past."

"Julians who are reincarnations of Julian are in Bold." This makes no sense to me... I think you could start by saying Julian 3rd narrates the story, then say about Julian 1st as his pre-incarnation, with Julian 2nd in brackets (no need to mention about Moon Maid there, because you've already mentioned the Moon Trilogy tells the story of the Julian dynasty and you mention it again later). Then say what Julian 3rd did. 4th can be in brackets and then trim 5th as you say he is the hero of the Moon Maid so we'll learn more about him later. 7th is not mentioned, so you may as well not mention 8th. We don't know who Or-tis is, so you need to instead say that 9th is important later, and then it skips to 18th so you need not mention 10th.

Maybe you'd be better off putting Moon Maid after the second paragraph of Julian - then the way the Julians are discussed in the Moon Maid fits in smiley - ok The first three paragraphs of the Moon section would fit nicely after Paperback Writer, then the two paragraphs of Julian, and then Earth can be blended in with Moon Maid.

The first paragraph of the Moon Men is really good smiley - ok

The last paragraph of The Red Hawk says Or-tis 16th was deposed by Or-tis 16th, so that could be clarified...

Phew - I managed to read the whole Entry without the effort bringing tears to my eyes smiley - towel so that is an improvement indeed! Still a bit to do to tighten it up, but there's no need for you to rush - take your time, and good luck with everything else that you're doing at the moment smiley - ok


A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 6

Bluebottle

'America had a king in 1967' – ah yes, you mean Martin Luther King, who tragically died in 1968… (Don't tell Dmitri I said he 'tragically died'!<shh&gtsmiley - winkeye No other US kings smiley - elvissmiley - musicalnote around then, leaving buildings or otherwise… smiley - silly

The entry has been tightened up and also shortened – so the information about each of the Julians is now included in the relevant novel/novella/novelette section and duplication removed.

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A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 7

SashaQ - happysad - Editor

smiley - laughsmiley - ok

"(Don't tell Dmitri I said he 'tragically died'!<shh&gtsmiley - winkeye" - no indeed smiley - shhh

"In 2024 he and Orthis with three others are the first to travel to the Moon." - are the first to aim to travel to Mars?

"speaking the same language as the humanoids " smiley - ok

"Julian 5thinevitably " - I wondered what this was on first reading, and now I see it is that the space is missing after 5th! Maybe tweak somehow because you call him just Julian in the previous sentence.

Footnote 5 perhaps sits better on "Being a book by Burroughs"

So the Moon Maid is U-Ga?

The three paragraphs beginning from "On the Moon Julian and Orthis are captured by the Va-Ga" are quite heavy going - a lot of repetition of the word Laythe, for example, and gravity perhaps fits in better higher up...

Excellent last paragraph in the Moon Men section smiley - ok

This has been polished up nicely so it is much improved - thank you smiley - ok


A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 8

Bluebottle

Thanks for those comments, I've done a tad more tweaking to hopefully streamline those bumps in the road.

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A87910356 - The Moon Trilogy by Edgar Rice Burroughs

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