h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Platform 19 - A37023121
Author: Doctor_X_42 - U12248997

This is the first half of an English class short-fiction assignment gone awry. Erm, it's still in more or less first-draft form, so it's not exactly polished...

If this is your first posting on the AWW, welcome! I hope we don't frighten you off! We're not really fierce

There's lots of good use of language in this story: detailed descriptions and dramatic action. And it builds up satisfactorily to a climax

But you might like to think about the following suggestions:
* Start straight away with Michael in the cantina and fill in description of Platform 19 later.
*I'm not sure how long your assignment is meant to be, but we're great believers in cutting things here. If something doesn't contribute to plot or atmosphere, leave it out.
* think a bit more about your characters. Michael is fairly clear: a young man with little self confidence, but what about Liz? Other characters, such as Morrison need to be dfferentiated from each other.
* It is not clear how the sections where Michael dreams about his family and Jimmy fit in.
* Space it out a bit. In particular, it is usual to give each new person who speaks a new line.
* The fight between Michael and his co-workers gets a bit confusing. This is where some strong characterisation should help with who's doing what and why.

And...I will proceed to be fierce. In a good cause, I hope, because I love good science fiction. And hope people write more of it.

Basically, if this hadn't been put here for us to help with, I would not have read it. The first paragraph really put me off, because it reads like a pastiche of rather well-known work.

But MVP is right - there's some flair here, some good phrasing (if rather too much of it, and too densely-packed)...so...

Some thoughts:

'space station object' - leave out 'object'. Either it is a space station, or it isn't. (Mark Twain said, 'Use the word. Not its second cousin.')

'small, abandoned, dull green planet' - Sounds like the cliche it is.

'a universal guilded age...' - you're attempting to get the reader to do all the work by assuming a whole backstory you haven't written. Stop this. Figure out what is necessary here, and throw out the rest.

The description of the station is too long, and very dull.

There are *way* too many characters. Don't tell us about these people. *Show* us a few, let the rest be extras. Pretend you're writing to get the point across before the next car commercial comes on.

Descriptions like 'large, roughly square room' don't add to the story. Stick to the details that draw the eye and are needed.

The word 'maroon' appears far too many times. There is such a thing as too much description.

The basic problem with this story is threefold:

1. It is apparently meant to be part of a longer story, and doesn't really stand alone.

2. We have no reason for being interested in these people. Somebody's got to be outstanding, or have an unusual problem, or more or less promise, cross his heart and hope to die, to show us one of the questions for which 42 is the answer before we will make it through here.

3. At the end of the page, we don't know why we've been on this space station, other than the violence. What were we supposed to get from this?

Summary: As my favourite editor (frequently) says, Take a chainsaw to this.

Find the plot. And make sure the reader can find it.

The creepiness is there, the claustrophobia of life in space, the paranoia...

Bring it out in a clear plotline, and characters whose decisions are clear to the reader.

I will stop being fierce now, and thank you for sharing part of your writing process with us.