h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I like funny quotes (i.e. humorous in themselves, or in the context of who and where it is being said). Does anyone have some good ones?

>Zax<

"Where ever you go, there you are."
-Buckeroo Bananzi

Ich bein eine Berliner

JFK

Here's another, "Reality is always defined by the people who are the most insane." -Scott Adams

>Zax<

Actually, Zax, I think your first quote originally came from an American stand up comdeian, Steven Wright. He has a ton of those. For example...

"When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone."

"If you photocopy a mirror, do you get another xerox machine?"

"When I was little, my grandmother gave me some money and said 'Here's ten dollars. Don't tell your mother.' I said, 'It's gonna cost you more than that.'"

"I have a hobby. I collect sea shells. My collection is scattered across all the beaches in the world. Perhaps you've seen some of it."

"I like to aggravate salespeople. I go into a store and a salesman asks, 'Can I help you?' and I say, 'Yes, do you have anything I'd like?' Or I go into a furniture store, and ask for a decaffeinated coffee table."

"Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run - he hates that."

He has so many more good one-liners, but those are the ones that I can remember off the top of my head.

People say "When you've lost something, it's always in the last place you look"
- of course it is, once you've found it you stop looking!!

A batchelor friend of mine said "I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman - but I've woken up with a few!!"

The one that applies to me is "If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done"

I know many more, but my mind's a blank at the moment....

That quote with the last place, I don´t know how it is for the rest but for me it´s like if I have to look through ten places, it is always in place number ten. It isn´t because I stop looking, the thing is just the only place that´s left.

"we have 350 million laws to uphold 10 commandments"

How about that one?

This one's quite funny in a melancholic kind of way:

Said by a skinhead in 1998:

"I wish I could move to a country who doesn't accept immigrants."

Ahh.. the irony.

/
RaL

This post has been removed.

How about...

"Broken promises don't bother me. I just ask myself 'Why did they believe me?'"

-Jack Handey

Here´s one that only goes in danish: Det er bedre at ramme ved siden af end slet ikke at ramme.

Broken promises....what about -

"I can keep a secret, it's those I tell who let me down."

Re polititians.
'Don't vote. It only encourages them.'
Billy Connolly.
Also, about his hair turning grey -
'In a certain light, my willie looks like Stewart Grainger.,

A friend of mine refers to his as "the last turkey in the shop"

I like childred, you just have to cook them right! (or something along thoes lines)- W.C. Fields

I forgot about W.C.Fields. Thanks.
1) On deathbed and thumbing through Bible, a concerned friend asked if there was a particular passage he was looking for. W.C.Fields - "Just looking for a get out clause."
2) "A woman's place is in the wrong."
3) When breaking from filming at midday - "Someone has uncorked my lunch!"

You could be right. Buckeroo Bananzi is a character in a ridiculously bad movie. That quote is the only redeaming value it has. Just FYI.

>Zax<

Thanx everyone for the quotes and keep 'em coming. Here's another W.C. Fields quote to grow on, "I think of women like I think of elephants; nice to look at, but I wouldn't like to own one."

>Zax<

who the .... is W.C.Fields.

Seems to be a quite likeable handsome chap, isn´t he?

'There is a story, perhaps apochryphal, of
the distinguished bristish Biologist J.B.S Haldane,
who found himself in the company of a group of
theologians. On being asked what one could conclude
as to the nature of the Creator from a study of his
creations, Haldane is said to have replied:'

"An inordinate fondness for beetles."






'Dinosaur in a Haystack' by Stephen Jay Gould.