h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have started to see a lot of random knife attacks on the news here in Japan recently, most of them have been caught on camera and it's not kids doing it

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/rtrs/20080714/tod-uk-russia-rave-b7e5c6f.html

Dozens of partygoers at an outdoor rave near Moscow last week have lost partial vision after a laser light show burned their retinas, Russian health officials said on Monday.

so thats why people wear sunglasses in raves

The sack race and three-legged race have been banned from a school sports day because the children might fall over and hurt themselves.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article4327263.ece

All together now - "It's polit-ical correctness gorn ma-ad"

Not sure where to put this, so I'll put it here

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sirs, your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these idiots that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/15/world/europe/15terror.html?hp

The NY Times on the '06 London Bomb Plot:

" ... the testimony has shown little evidence that the suspects were prepared to strike immediately, or of any link to Al Qaeda — potential vulnerabilities in the case that several defendants have tried to capitalize on in court."

OK, I'm gonna blow up people NEXT month, and I work for a different bunch ... give me a break.

There is a possibly true story about a Mafia member in Florida who denied guilt in a murder case because he was killing somebody else at the time.

Anheuser Bush was bought out by InvBev

hmm no Al Qaeda link

maybe there are just disorganised idiots around who kill people for a laugh

like Wacos?

'Dimitris Lambrou is a proud Lesbian, who thinks "lesbians" around the world should quit using the name of his home island as a label for their sexual orientation. His lawsuit in an Athens court has made him famous, not just in Greece.'

http://www.spiegel.de/international/europe/0,1518,565354,00.html


It's a little sad that Greek gays and tribades (winkeye) laughed at his truly Lesbian witnesses in court when they explained the discomfort they felt because their geographical origin is constantly mistaken for their sexual orientation. As for the lawyer's question about conjoined twins, has anyone called them 'Siamese twins' in the last thirty years? Somehow that geographically inaccurate term has fallen out of use.

I'm not sure that going to court will give his cause much traction, but, he has a valid point.

what about the D word?

is that like a black thing and non lesbians can't use it?

And this is just when all the Gay charities started calling themselves LGBT?

maybe its part of a plot to get the groups new logos

I was thinking about the man from Lesbos some more and I wondered whether he shouldn't have gone to European Union with his complaint. I mean, you can't call a whisky Scotch unless it comes from Scotland and you can't call a bubbly wine Champagne unless it comes from that bit of France -- why should women who aren't from the place be allowed to call themselves Lesbians? They wouldn't be allowed to call themselves Fetas if they weren't born in Greece: http://dailyregreport.aei-brookings.org/archives/026484.php

>> The sack race and three-legged race have been banned from a school sports day because the children might fall over and hurt themselves.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article4327263.ece

All together now - "It's polit-ical correctness gorn ma-ad" <<

It's political correctness gone mad.

RF

A strange bug is suddenly invading London. Nobody seems to know what it is.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/london/7506355.stm

Is it a news story? I don't know. But, I have to say, I have met countless homeless people (tramps as this story calls them) and *never* have I turned away from them as the church goers in this story are described to have done. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/jul/14/religion?gusrc=rss&feed=commentisfree

No.

I talk to them on the street when they ask for bus fair, even when they've given me the same story a month ago about arriving in town yesterday. I say 'good morning' to them when I meet them in the morning in the back alley as they go through the blue bags (we recycle everything here) in the morning and suggest they come over and get the empties out of my truck (some of us drive trucks here).

All of us are a week or a month away from the street. It doesn't take religion to make us aware of that fact -- it takes intellect.


Sadly, some have only the former and not the latter.

THE French army was in chaos last night after the resignation of its most senior general left it temporarily unable to retreat.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/leaderless-french-army-unable-to-retreat-200807011061/

Military historian Denys Finch-Hatton said the current inability of the French to retreat could give them the advantage of surprise.

He added: "This could be the first time since the Battle of the Marne in 1914 that they will have had to fight for more than 20 minutes."

About the Lesbian option in the European Courts

Its about commodities and its legal roots are in the common market

Many all themselves Irish and have never been south of Belfast

Many have a British passport but will not call themselves British

He's mad or has a nutty sense of humour

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/health/2303854/More-Britons-will-be-helped-to-die-at-home-under-new-health-plans.html

"More people will be helped to die at home under a range of measures and £286 million funding announced by Alan Johnson, the Health Secretary."

Halp!!!

The Government wants to kill us all in our homes!

RF

One of todaay’s BBC headlines read:

“Malaria drug may hit antibiotics”

and blithely mentioned, a couple of paragraphs later that;
researchers from the Lakeridge Health Centre in Oshawa, Ontario, travelled to Guyana, in the north of the South American continent and took rectal swabs from more than 500 villagers in the remote rainforest regions.

This is – it would appear from the tone of the article - perfectly normal behaviour for Canadians. The newsworthy part was what they found in Guyanans’ rectums.

I can’t help wondering just what the headlines would have been if a group of villagers from remote villages in the rainforests of Guyana travelled to Canada and stuck things up the bottoms of 500 Canadians.

The arrogance of Western 'Civilisation’ is staggering!!

Reuters tells me that one in five British MPs has suffered from mental health problems but decided to keep quiet because of fears of a hostile reaction, according to a survey published on Wednesday.

ONLY one in five? I thought it was a prerequisite for the job!

The report goes on to criticise a law which forces MP’s to give up their seats for life if they are sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

This is clearly insane.

I wouldn't normally correct this but seeing who posted it:

The plural of rectum is recta.

RF

Yes, I know but recta doesn't rhyme with the four-letter word starting with 'B' and probably banned by auntie (see my journal rant) I was also working on a poem on the subject and might have lost my presence of mind!!

Thanks though.