h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

HEADS UP !!!!!!!!

THIS JUST IN FROM FARQUE-MITTSON !!!!!!!!!!

******* What ho, Perry !!! Apologies for the lack of reports these last few days - got a little lost, y'know ! Startling revelations from Colonel Timmy "Dib-Dib" Arbuthnot-Splatt (101th King's Own Burrowers) ~ all troop movements fecund and copious !**********

EXTRAORDINARY !!!!!!!!!

I almost dropped my glass of red wine! Amazing, just amazing *attempts to regain composure

MORE FROM FARQUE-MITTSON !!!!!!!!

GADZOOKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

********* What ho Perry old bean ! My trousers can barely contain this news ! I was privy to the most high-level wotsit today between General Digby Upmiboyce (Queen's Own Bucket & Spades) and Four Star (Lead Replacement) General Hank "Hatchet-Time" WooHooskivitch (250th Corpse) !!!!!!! Seems that the USMC are pushing for all they're worth in the general direction of Baghdad, whilst our own chappies have moved in to replace them, and are currently bogged down, in the most literal sense !!!!! No bad feeling you understand - the Yanks have the runs, the Brits do the pooper-scooping ! Must run !!!! *********

INCONCEIVABLE !!!!!!!!

The artillery regiment are now using satellite controlled, heat seeking potties to attack their targets with. Other regiments have ground to ground heat seeking computer guided missiles. They are using these weapons because it's unconventional and funny. The RAF are dropping the minutes of the last meeting to their opponents and we will keep on holding boring committee meetings with you and making you watch Countdown and tellling you Richard Whitely jokes (as well as being dressed like Richard Whitely) until you surrender.


katrine

"Shock and awe",
Is a term I've heard used to describe this thing, and it seems to set off a mental image in my head of the 'shock' being the miltary dressed in drag, and the 'awe' being their renditions of famous stage musical songs, now, if that wouldn't send the foe running to the nearest lav in utter fear and bewilderment, then I guess it might just be time to send in the Elvis impersonators...

There is a unit of soldiers going around convincing civilians that they have been abducted by aliens. Some of these soldiers are dressed up as Mulder and Scully and other characters from the X Files. Stranger still some soldiers are convinced that they are from another planet/dimension.


kat

I *know* it relates to something earlier, and I *know* it's totally coatworthy but when I read the posting about Beef Curry it popped into my head..... sorry.

"Weapons of Ass Destruction!"

Change 'shock and awe' to 'fear and bewilderment'!

Well things are getting more confused. Several units are having reports of military personnel dressing up as members of Stargate Command, The Tok'ra and the Ashgard. The General of the operation is convinced that he is General Hammond and some officers think that they are Colonel O'Neil, Captain Carter, Tilk and Dr Jackson. Some are also members of the Jaffra but they are the ones who have switched sides and are supporting Stargate Command.

Well their enemies are just as confused as they think that they are part of the Jaffra still loyal to the Gou'ald and the System Lords, some of them think that are replicators, clone troopers, the Borg and battle droids. They are in a very confused state after been made to attend boring but exciting military operations/battle meetings which held by covert specialist SAS, SBS (the SBS have to be mentioned because they will be upset about being left out of the action and do not like being ignored) and other similar units.

kat

SBS = Special Boring (but interesting) Service

Female military personnel are having Ann Summers parties
in a bit to distract the enemy in hand to hand fighting. They are trying all sorts of gadgets and trying on various types of see-through lingere. They are capturing male enemy troops and trying some of the gadgets on them.

kat

GADGETS EH !!!! Brrrrr.. is there nothing these fuzzie-wuzzies won't do to distract our brave boys !!!!!!!!!

TERRIBLE NEWS TODAY !!!!!!!

FARQUE-MITTSON CAUGHT IN FRIENDLY CHOIR !!!!!!

Egad, It's true ! Heads up, pants down in the Nasiriyah Young (Recently Crippled) Boy's Choral Society !!!!!!! For Shame !!!!!

He managed to squeeze out one last report:

*********** What ho, Perry old bean !!! Hard going here at the front ..... we're pushing on, and hope to ~~~~ ********

Alas - that is the last I heard from old Farque-Mittson !

Luckily, I had a new 1a primed and ready and to go - young Harry Alon-Thaire :

THIS JUST IN FROM HARRY !!!!!!!!!

********** Embedded in the Highland Shoveliers - great movements on all sides ! Digging in like jiminy, old fruit ! Expecting a rearguard movement any min !!

ASTONISHING !!!!!!!!

GADZOOKS !!!!!

THIS JUST IN from our new 1a HARRY ALON-THAIRE !!!!!!!!

********** Gas Gas Gas ! Perry, old bean !!! I can hardly stand it ! These Highland Haggis-Mongers are just TOO unbearable ! Egad, a gent barely has five mins to himself but the blaggards let off another salvo ! It's like the Aurora Borealis here, and I dread to think what it'll be like when I step outside ..... can't I come home now ? ********

POOF !!!

MORE TOMORROW CHUMS.... YOU HAVE MY WORD !!!!!

BBC 2 prog on global oil last night was interesting. Not meant to be related I suspect but interesting.
Assumption: I am the taxed man
Question: 'Who answers to the taxed-man? Or does he just pay the ferryman?' Hey ho!
Take care
Boots

From the escrivoire of Major I. Sworter MA. RS. (bar)

Gas!!! Gad!

Are there no sacrosanct rules of engagement these blighters won't trample over and violate - even if the latrines are vacant ?!?!

Whatever next? Biological, I would suspect...these confounded Bio-Activ Yoghourts from Danone, for example...I dread to think what that will do to our gallant lads' movements!

< shudder >

Why, the bully beef bullets will be fizzing out of their chuffs like tracers and ripping holes in the tents with the ferocity of dum-dums...

Surely this is in breeches?

Yours in twittering twerpitude,

Ian.

Good Lord! No report from the front today?

What about a retort from the back?

My sources inform me that "pockets of resistance" have been encountered in the South.

Does this suggest we ought to start using the Enema Code?

Yours, in strategic bombing mode,

Ian.

During the past few days all elite specialist forces & air support unites have decided to join Rogue Squad and the Rebel Alliance.

Reports are coming in of an sucessful attack on the Death Star and there been shouts of joy from the local inhabitants.

Arsenal which has been used have included blasters, ion cannons and light sabers. The Jedi have been in full force in these military operations.


kat

HEADS UP !!!!!!!!

Hells teeth ! Ghastly news from the front. Young Harry has buggered off !!! Yes, dear chums, it's true !!!!!!!

So far unconfirmed reports suggest that he and the Highland Shoveliers had something of a contré-temps at dawn today. My sources have tipped me off that the Odorous Scotties took grave exception to young Harry's practice of wearing his gasmask at all times when in their presence. Jumping upon his Space Hopper, he fled, leaving his little bear behind. Poof !!!!!!!

Searching for a new 1a at the mo. May make somthing up if no-one comes forward !!!!

TTFN

Hell's Teeth !

Another brave young chap steps forward !

My dear niece Fenella's somewhat simple brother Garston has taken up young Harry's limp flag, and taken over !

THIS JUST IN !!

**********What ho Great Unc P. ! Dropped off in camel-jockey land at 14.00 hours, and still finding my feet. Rum bunch of chaps here - can't understand a word they say. They seem to keep repeating this phrase - 'Aloha Ak's Bar' over and over again. I've searched high and low for "Ak's Bar", with no success as yet - absolutely bloody parched too. Terrific movements though********

Harumph. More tomorrow. Maybe.