h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The octopus was locked up after he was caught in bed with a clam. The charge was Molluscation.

I woke up one morning with Hank Marvin laying across my chest. I went to the doctor's about it.
"I am sorry Mr Smith but you have a shadow on your lung."

At this time of year, I always have sympathy for farm animals - in fact I always insist in pigs in blankets.

Chickens are central to my identity as a thinking person. I think, hens I am.

At this time of year, it is better to give than receive as every boxer knows

Do archeologists visit dating sites?

We found a wild rabbit in our new house when we moved in. We named it Stewart. Come the Spring we expect to enjoy rabbit stew again (true story, except for the joke naming).

My girlfriend works in grease. She is employed by the local chip shop

For Christmas, my cousin gave me a yak, and told me that its name was Cardy. "Just don't don't let Cardy out of the house," my cousin cautioned.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of disadvantages to having a yak running around inside. I figured it would be okay to put a leash on him nd tak him for a walk.

Unfortunately, as soon as we got as far as the street, a police care pulled over and arrested him. It was a Cardy Yak arrest.

Father Christmas walked into a bar.
Give me a stiff one, it's going to be a busy night.
Put your money away Santa - this one is on the house

Have you heard about the new approach to egg farming? hens are put in egg boxes and told to fill them. I hear that many of the hens think this dozen make sense.

Little Orphan Annie was in the doctor's office.

"You have a tumor," the doctor said.

"Is it good or bad?" Annie asked.

"There are three kinds of tumors. Type A is bad. Type B is bad. Type O is good. Fortunately you have type O."

"That's wonderful, "Annie said. "I think I will sing about it.

Tumor O, tumor O, I love ya, tumor O,
You're only a day away."

A man phoned up the Guinness book of records.
I think I have created a new world record.
What have you done?
I have stacked 209 pepperoni, one on top of the other.
Are they straight?
They were but now the tower of pizzas is leaning

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

I did some family history reasearch, stumbled on my roots and sprained an uncle.

Mike Bloomberg is a candidate for the Presidency of the U.S. If he spends billion dollars and gets 50,000 votes, that's twenty dollars per vote.

But even if I vote for him, I won't get my twenty dollars.

(That's a political joke)

1.000.000.000 / 50.000 = 20.000

Even more unfair.

And wasteful, but what does e care? He'll never live long enough to spend all his money.

By he way, 50,000 is a lot less than 50,000,000

Why is it that instructions only make sense, after you've messed up the job? Is it the tool behind the tool that causes problems, not the tools themselves?

Looked at solely in terms of vote-getting, it does look wasteful. But when someone spends a billion on a campaign, a lot of campaign workers earn money, the news media get paid, sign-makers gete xtra business, and there must be places for people to meet. Hotel ballrooms, restaurants, etc.