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Post 17141

logicus tracticus philosophicus

A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic.
All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?
"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.
"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord
"I'm a Taxidermist" says the man
"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo?
The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"
The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!..


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Post 17142

clzoomer- a bit woobly

I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us.

He's not dead, just very condescending.


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Post 17143

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q: What is The Flash’s favourite TV cartoon series?
A: Speed Racer.

Q: What did Luke Skywalker say to the Flash?
A: May the speed force be with you.

Q: Why was Bart Allen’s mam always upset with him?
A: He kept forgetting to flash the toilet.

Q: What is the Flash’s favourite type of flower?
A: The Iris.

Q: What did Barry Allen always remember to bring on camping trips?
A: His Flash light (Torch).



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Post 17144

paulh. Antisocial distancing works a well as the Social kind

He used bad language on a tour o new York.

The Statue of Liberty said, "have they torch you nothing?"


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Post 17145

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

From a church bulletin: "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring you husbands."


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Post 17146

Caiman raptor elk - Yes, but what if the box is REALLY big?

Just broke the speed record. Finished a 14 day diet in just under seven minutes.


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Post 17147

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

Q: Which super hero wears the neatest suits?
A: Iron Man

Q: Which superhero likes to use public transportation?
A: Bus Lightyear.

Q: Which superhero spends too much time in the sun?
A: Cap-TAN America

Q: Why is Spiderman such good baseball player?
A: He knows how to catch flies.

Q: What is Aquaman’s favouritism football team?
A: The Miami Dolphins.

Q: What do you get when you cross Spiderman with an ear of corn?
A: Cobwebs.

Q: How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None – they like it dark.


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Post 17148

Is mise Duncan

If the train carriage is packed for my commute tomorrow I'm just going to shout "DIVISION!" and see how many people leave.


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Post 17149

logicus tracticus philosophicus

Did I tell you we bought a dog from the blacksmiths? Only had him home 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.


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Post 17150

Rosa Baggins daughter of Pronto Baggins and Mimosa Bunce

A passenger train is creeping along at a painfully slow pace. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. 'What's going on?' she yells out the window. 'Cow on the track!' replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by, leans out the window and shouts: 'What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?'


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Post 17151

paulh. Antisocial distancing works a well as the Social kind

I will catchup with the cow tonight when I put it on my steak.


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Post 17152

Blueranger

Moooo Moooo smiley - smiley


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Post 17153

paulh. Antisocial distancing works a well as the Social kind

Trying to figure out a cow is udderly impossible.


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Post 17154

Paigetheoracle

What's the difference between a small amount and a pet amphibian? One is minute and the other is my newt

What's the difference between a Greek philosopher and someone with a  pair of gammy legs? Ones got dodgy knees and the other is Diogenes

What's the difference between an after school job in the sixties and winter wear for an outdoor job? One is working in Woolies and so is the other

What's the difference between a small amount and chickens that can count? One is a paltry sum and the other is a poultry sum

What's the difference between a word meaning obligatory and a female Conservative? One is mandatory and the other is Mandy Tory too

What's the difference between falling asleep after a hard day's work and waiting for Dracula to turn up? One is being out for the count and the other is waiting in for the count

What's the difference between a classic war novel and falling headfirst into a mincing machine? One is a Farewell to Arms and sadly so is the other

What is the difference between being a good host and a cannibal? One is meet and greet, and the other is meet and eat

What's the difference between an agreement about what to do next and a flat, savoury, pastry dish? One sounds like a plan and the other sounds like a flan


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Post 17155

wateafriber

This white horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, there's a pub named after you down the road.
The horse says, what, Derek?


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Post 17156

Caiman raptor elk - Yes, but what if the box is REALLY big?

--What is the difference between being a good host and a cannibal? One is meet and greet, and the other is meet and eat--

Or meat and greed


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Post 17157

wateafriber

Haha nice joke!


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Post 17158

paulh. Antisocial distancing works a well as the Social kind

There were signs along the road suggesting that people adopt a highway. That seemed like a good idea, so I adopted one. Now it wants to meet its real parents. smiley - erm

(Borrowed from Mother Goose and Grimm)


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Post 17159

logicus tracticus philosophicus

WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? ( hello because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? ( they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE 1 EGG?they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? ( because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN...... GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? ( don't know.... it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? ( because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.)


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Post 17160

logicus tracticus philosophicus

'Extracts' from complaint letters written by council tenants to their councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink..

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces..

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.


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