h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Murder most fowl.

A man fell into a crusher at work. His body was so badly smashed that even his family weren’t sure if it was him or not.
‘Toby, or not Toby – that is the question?’

Into bondage? Short of money?
Then you could be strapped for cash!

I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a roll in the hay?
She said cheese and onion or ham?

An Italian man walked up to the entrance of a cave and shouted
‘Open sesame!’
His wife leaned out the window and said
‘Open says-a-you? Why not open the door yourself, you lazy begga

Boy am I glad I cancelled that dinner date with Jeffrey Dahmer. He said it was a roast and if I had gone I would have been toast!

There is a certain Hollywood actress, who is disappearing even as speak.
She is of course Faye Dunaway.

‘I visited Venice last week.’
‘St. Mark’s Square?’
‘Yes but his brother’s hip.’

If Britain leaves The Common Market, will it be a double or a single Maastrictomy?

Frankenstein created a race horse. Heading towards the last fence, I shouted
‘Go on my son, show us what you’re made of!’
Unfortunately it did. It fell apart at the winning post.

China tried to use Frankenstein's design, but there was s typo. Their rice horse didn't win any races, but it was popular with Chinese take-out food after the race.

"I need help with my spelling!"

"Hang on, I'll bewitch you in a minute!"

Is a retired rugby player, out of touch?

He's certainly not as trying as he used to be!

People say that I'm condescending.

Just in case you don't know, that means I talk down to them.

PP.

Two men were arrested as they came out of the doctor's office. The doctor went to court to see what they were charged with, but there was a lot of murky stuff that made no sense.

The doctor got up and said, "Your Honor, you're trying my patients!"

"What's it like being a lift operator?"
"It has its ups and downs"

I asked my boss for a raise, so he put me in an office on a higher floor.

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk." "Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?" "Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

More of a riddle.

Why is an early train like water on grass?

Because both are dew first thing