A Conversation for Miscellaneous Chat

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Post 17061

paulh, not fond of Lord Mudpants

Bambi had been sick for a while. Doctors replaced an auricle and a ventricle, after which Bambi made a halfharted recovery.


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Post 17062

logicus tracticus philosophicus

When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, "uckFign brilliant!" Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order. Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene............


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Post 17063

paulh, not fond of Lord Mudpants

"Do you like Kipling?"

"I don't know. I've never kipled."


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Post 17064

paulh, not fond of Lord Mudpants

George Burns used to say, "I'm glad I'm here. At my age, I'm glad to be anywhere."


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Post 17065

Paigetheoracle

If a monk falls into a muddy puddle, does he have a dirty habit he should be ashamed of?


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Post 17066

Paigetheoracle

If Britain leaves the common market, will it be a double or a single Maastrichtomy?


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Post 17067

Paigetheoracle

Sitting Bull was invited to peace talks with the lying white eyes.
"Last time you cheated my people. This time I want my brother with me as a negotiator."
"Okay, what's his name?"
"Talking Bull."


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Post 17068

WyattVenson

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need..


























...just five more minutes.


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Post 17069

paulh, not fond of Lord Mudpants

I was in the museum admiring art objects when a man suddenly began taking them away.

"What are you doing that for?" I exclaimed.

The woman with him explained that the man was the artist who had created them. "His name is Art. Art objects to having them displayed that way," she said


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Post 17070

Pink Paisley

Batman broke a cup over my head and shouted 'T'pow!'

Don't you mean 'Kapow'? I said.

He said, 'No. I had china in my hand'.

PP.


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Post 17071

Pink Paisley

I was considering a new career in shoe recycling but am hesitant because I think it could be sole destroying.

PP.


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Post 17072

paulh, not fond of Lord Mudpants

The cobbler was the sole support for his mother.


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Post 17073

Vestboy

Apols if this has already been given, but there's a lot of backlog.
Young man at his grandmothers funeral approaches the vicar in the crematorium with his mobile phone in hand.
"Do you know the wifi code for in here?"
"Have some respect for your dear grandmother!"
"Is that all lower case?"


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Post 17074

paulh, not fond of Lord Mudpants

Someone stole a pig from Old MacDonald's farm.

It was a MacDonald ham burglar.


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Post 17075

Paigetheoracle

Humpty Dumpty joined the RAF during the second world war. For hours he would be sitting around doing nothing, then he'd hear the dreaded word -
"Scramble!"


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Post 17076

Paigetheoracle

What is a hill-walkers favourite pantomime?
Pus in Boots


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Post 17077

Paigetheoracle

A father and son were arguing.
"I fought two world wars for you!"
"Yes and you lost both of them, didn't you?"


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Post 17078

Paigetheoracle

Graffiti: Hans Zimmer was framed!


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Post 17079

Caiman raptor elk - Infinity lies outside the box

A man from [fill in your own superior country] curiously looks at the result of recent building activities of his new neighbour from [fill in preferred inferior country for use in jokes]. It looks like a small but very strong bunker in his backyard. When asked, the neighbour tells him that it is the bench for his new flatfaced dachshund, a prize fighting dog.
Being the proud owner of a huge dog himself, they agree to let the two dogs fight, both betting serious cash. After the big dog has entered the bunker, terrifying noises follow. When the noise has stopped, a pile of bones is pushed out, clearly the remains of the big dog.
Awestruck, the man asks if he can see this magnificent flatfaced dachshund. After looking through the single small thick safety glass window, he shakes his head and says: "In this country, we call that a crocodile..."


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Post 17080

WyattVenson

My daughter asked me “Dad, where does poo come from?”

So I sat her down and said “See this cheeseburger? When I eat it, it goes down into my stomach. My body absorbs all the good stuff, and all the waste that’s left over travels down my large intestine and sits in my rectum until I sit on the toilet and push it out of my bum”

She goes quiet. Teary eyed.

Her tiny voice whispers....

“W-w-w-what about Tigger?”


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