A Conversation for Miscellaneous Chat

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17041


I usually wash and put away my t-shirts inside out.

Simplifies dressing.

Simply put head and arms through correctly oriented, inside out t-shirt, extend arms overhead spreading t-shirt, bring arms down to sides, done,

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17042


smiley - ermAlmost due to make another batch of tie-dye t-shirts.smiley - biggrin

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17043

Icy North

{Simply put head and arms through correctly oriented, inside out t-shirt, extend arms overhead spreading t-shirt, bring arms down to sides}

Jut tried this. Does anyone know how to untie a sheepshank? Fortunately I can still type with my big toe.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17044

paulh. I write captions for pictures of cats. The shame! The shame!

If you go Bangkok, You can get Thai-dyed shirts.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17045

Pink Paisley

Joke labels now seem to be gaining in popularity.

Search 'joke clothing labels'.

Loads to be enjoyed or otherwise including:-

Give it to your mother. She'll know what to do
Made in Bangladesh 100% Cotton 100% Nylon 100% Polyester
Do not feed after midnight
Wash this when dirty


Tell Us A Joke

Post 17046

logicus tracticus philosophicus

At a Scottish cocktail reception, I was invited to take a small piece of sausage on a stick from a tray.

"What's this?" I asked. "A canape?"

"Nae problem," replied the waiter. "They're free."

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17047

paulh. I write captions for pictures of cats. The shame! The shame!

The Scottish underworld punishes severely those who don't wear traditional dress. The kilt: wear it, or be it.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17048

logicus tracticus philosophicus

I caught my youngest trying to pick the lock on the boot of my car today!

I had to remind him; "You're in there for a REASON"

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17049

paulh. I write captions for pictures of cats. The shame! The shame!

No one could figure out where to put the new nurse. The different departments had the staff they wanted. Finally they let her have lunch while they decided. Turns out she was a vegetarian. So they put her in a ward that had coma victims, on the theory that a vegetarian would know what to do with vegetables.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17050

Rosa Baggins, (see LOTR appendix Hobbits Family trees for more information)

What do you call a cross between a Curly-Coated Retriever with a white Lab? A scientist's dream dog: a white lab coat retriever.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17051

paulh. I write captions for pictures of cats. The shame! The shame!

I went to the doctor for some tests. First he let a dogi nto the room. The dog barked and then left. Then a cat came in, took a good look at me, and left.

The doctor charged me $170.00

"But you didn't do any tests!" I protested.

"Sure I did. You got a lab report and cat scan."

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17052

You can call me TC

Obviously I have copied these from somewhere, but I couldn't keep them to myself:

A pedant walks into a bar.....

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17053

Icy North

That's a very educational joke smiley - smiley

Can I play?

A syllepsis walked into a bar and a trap.

A pleonasm walked into a bar on its own two feet.

A litotes walked into a not unattractive bar.

I'll not mention the time an apophasis walked into a bar.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17054

paulh. I write captions for pictures of cats. The shame! The shame!

Here's a Tom Swifty:

"I see you're eating," he said hungrily.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17055


Very nice, TC! I had to look up chiasmus, it up had I to look.

The last one stopped me for a while. Hyphenated is non-hyphenated, and non-hyphenated is hyphenated! Cool.

Just to show I'm paying attention (TeaCher's pet).

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17056


Those are nice!

- What's the worst plague in our modern society: ignorance, or indifference?

- Don't know. Don't care.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17057


My mum and dad were midgets. Every day was a struggle just to put food on the table.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17058

paulh. I write captions for pictures of cats. The shame! The shame!

On Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, some cows called up their chef to complain about what was on their plate.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17059

paulh. I write captions for pictures of cats. The shame! The shame!

How can you tell if an artist is alive?

Ask if he can draw a breath.

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17060

logicus tracticus philosophicus

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.

The bank president asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, “What wrong with your lawyer?” She replied,

“Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!”

Key: Complain about this post

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more