h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

From: Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors

To: Pinnipedal Contracting Company
Attention: Mr. Pinniped
Ref: Daedalus 1 Solar System - Eight New Planets

Dear Sir,
You are hereby notified that your tender for the above project has been accepted by The Galactic Federation. Thus, in accordance with Clause 41 of the Conditions of Contract, you are instructed to commence work immediately.

You shall within 15 days of the date of this letter submit to us the following documents:

1. Performance Bond to the value of 10% of the Total Contract Price, i.e., Fex.U 14xE6.

2. Programme of Works. In accordance with item 7 of the Appendix to Tender, the Contract duration shall be 18 million years. You shall achieve Milestone 1, i.e., completion of stable orbital planetary system, 3 million years from the date of this letter. Milestone 2, a sustainable and self-propagating cycle of life-forms by the Contract Completion Date. In this regard, and in view of recent experiences in the Alpha Centauri sector of the Milky Way, you are reminded that your proposals for species development shall be submitted for our review at the earliest opportunity.

3. Insurances, in accordance with Clauses 21 to 23 of the Conditions of Contract. In this regard, you are hereby reminded that despite Insurance Company's much-publicised insistence to the contrary, the 'Darth Vader exclusion clause' will not be accepted, and any policy containing such a clause would be regarded as non-compliant.

You are reminded that before commencing any activity on site, you shall obtain all relevant NOTAMs from Galactic Space Traffic Control before placement of any gravitational material.

We shall look forward to hearing from you.

Montague Trout
Project Engineer

Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors

Dear Mr Trout
Thank you for sending me a copy of your letter addressed to the Pinnipedal Contracting Company. I have no idea how you knew of my involvement in the Contract for Earth Mark 2 but I trust that you have now read my brief and realise that I am an independant consultant in that project. Until I recieved your letter I was totally unaware that the project was part of a larger contract. My involvement is an on going long term commitment to the project and the information that you have revealed puts a completely different outlook on that involvement. I will review my activities and get back to you on this matter as soon as possible.

Ancient Brit - Engineering Consultant.

From: Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors

To: Ancient Brit, Engineering Consultant


Dear Sir,

Your letter ref. Post: 2 refers.

We trust that the outline design and specification for Earth Mark II is close to completion. As you are clearly aware, the Contract for construction of the whole Daedalus 1 Solar System is now awarded to the Pinnipedal Contracting Company. You should expect Mr. Pinniped to collect the relevant documentation from you shortly. We suggest that you obtain from him a copy of his draft Clause 14 programme for your review and comment.

We remind you that this is a 'fast-trac' construction project, and that your ability to stay one-step in front of Pinnipedal will be fundamental to the timeous delivery of Earth Mark II. In this regard, you will recall that notwithstanding the obvious flaws therein Earth Mark I was created in only six days.

Furthermore, in order for you to ensure that your designs and specifications are compatible with the other planetary-body consultants, we shall endeavour to organise a forum at which you will be able to discuss your specific interface requirements. We suggest that in the first instance you should submit to us your gravitational mass-density assumptions for input into our Galactic Model.

Thus, on behalf of The Galactic Federation, we take this opportunity to wish you well in your endeavours and we look forward to a successful Project.

Yours faithfully,

Montague Trout
Project Coordinator

Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors
Attention Montague Trout - Project Coordinator

Dear Mr Trout
You have been sadly misinformed with regard to my involvement in the Contract for Earth Mark 2 and as I suggested in my earlier letter you, you must read the brief that I was given by the Galactian Overloads. It is also clear that the Federation and yourselves are unaware that the Earth Mark 2 Contract is well beyond the design stage in fact phase 1 is nearing completion. You should go back to the Federation and ask them what the hell is going on because there is an obvious danger of a cock up of universal proportions. The only gap in the Solar sytem is that caused on Stupid Thursday otherwise it is performing perfectly. You should pay a visit to site to see for yourself.
I suggest to you that the Galactian Federation, who you clearly represent , are subservient to the Galactian Overlords who presented me with my brief. I can only assume that the Pinnipedal Contracting Company will be reimbursed in full for the unnecessary work they have carried out because of the Federation's incompetance and your failure to make an intial investigation and site visit.
You really should read my notes on this project otherwise the embarrassing position could arise where the Overlords are better informed than the Federation. A situation that would not present the Federation and Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout in a very good light.
For the record I have no contractual obligations whatsoever in this matter. I am still looking into the true nature of the development and I am in no way directly involved in any stage of the contract work going on at the present time. Any information that I have has been gathered during my investigations and has yet to be established as fact. If I should decide to present an interim report and recommendations based on my observations so far it will be my decision and it will be addressed to the Overlords. I will not be hounded into rushing my report by someone who is obviously not acquainted with the full facts.

On a personal note I take it that you are one of the Trouts in Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout Please remember me to your father of h2g2 fame, he may be interested in this matter. Make sure that he fully understands that Earth Mk 2 as it stands will be a rebuild of Earth Mark 1 unless some one comes up sound amendment proposals.
Its a bit of a coincidence but I also happen to know a young whippersnapper called Pinniped also of h2g2 fame who, with a name like that, must surely be connected in some way with the Pinnipedal Contracting Company.

Ancient Brit - Engineering Consultant.

From: Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors

To: Ancient Brit, Engineering Consultant


Dear Sir,

Your letter ref. Post 4 refers.

Your assertion that one has been misinformed is not incorrect. In this regard, we advise that Earth Mk II (our project) has in fact been confused for Earth Mk.2 (your project), probably as a result of your egregiously persistent use of the quaint decimal numeracy of yesteryear. For record, we at Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout are pleased to have been one of the first to have adopted binary coding for Orbital Body referral, as recommended by Galactic Federation Code of Practice 1224, Subsection 7.4, Paragraph 1-6, which itself is shortlisted for upgrading to Galactic Standard, compliance with which (we advise) will be mandatory.

Thus, in fact, Earth MkII is a third generation planetary development, about to be constructed from scratch in a black-field site around the Daedalus-1 star of the constellation Dent. It is acknowledged that Earth Mk.2 (sic; we prefer Earth Mk.I0) is as yet incomplete, but independent CGAlf-modelling of the proposed life-forms have suggested that the project will fail as a viable entity shortly after the inevitable discovery of fossil-fuel (instead of the intended sunlight, wind and tide) as the preferred energy-source of the profoundly-stupid dominant species.

Hence, we have been commissioned to initiate development of inter alia Earth MkII as a de facto contingency to your own project. As previously stated, the design for Earth MkII is as yet incomplete, but is expected to closely follow guidelines established by you. Indeed landmark rulings in the Galactic Copyright Court are expected to follow.

We trust that this matter is now clear.

Yours faithfully,


Montague Trout
Matrix Manager

Hi Cuttle,
Thought you should run your tentacles over this before we send it. It's Speak's draft of the kick-off letter on this new Daedalus order. Beaming it now. You got that? OK.
The thing on the front? Yeah, it's from their Project Engineer, right.
Whole thing looks anal-fin-up before we start to me. We've got another prat wanting a zillion year bond. 3 million years this time. Of course the idiot doesn't mention whose years. You can always tell the ones who've worked in the public sector, yeah?
The Darth Vader thing again, right. We really need to get a proper line on that. It's getting bl**dy stupid.
Biggest problem isn't this Trout at all, though. (No, seems he isn't a fish. Another bl**dy bipe, I reckon. Pity).
There is one almighty screw-up in this sector. Some outfit called AB-something-or-other have only gone and built a planet in the middle of it.
Seems that the Vogons wiped the whole sector a couple of aeons ago. Yeah, by-pass. Sun and everything. Then no sooner had they done it than there was some edict to put it back. I don't know, Lifeform Heritage Site or something. They were some kind of bipes on there, only they weren't even telepaths. Took them about thirty thousand generations to invent the wheel. Nork knows why they're worth commemorating.
Can't get any sense out of the AB-guy. He claims to have been on his damned planet first time round, in which case he's about a zillion Zish old. Probably another bipe, I shouldn't wonder.
Thing is, there's a jerry-built sun up there too. Even if we manage to wipe this "Earth" place, it'll cost a packet to fix that. Preliminary survey says 15% output variation, period of a couple of thousand aeons. Never get higher evolution under that. You won't even get s*dd*ng jellyfish.
We've thought about how to play that one, and Speak suggested this Trout might be a Mason. Spread throughout two hundred galaxies, he says. He's put some kind of secret phrase in. We'll have to see what comes back. Failing that, we'll just have to use a Megolem. Yeah, we put the clause in about that. You see it?
OK? Right. Off to Mr Trout then. See what comes back...

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Trout, Spice or Whoever,

Thank you for your order. Ahem. We are processing it assiduously.

The bond you refer to will not be quickly forthcoming. Even if your annoyingly-indeterminate years are an order of magnitude less than the Zzaark Standard Heliocycle, we aren't in the habit of tying up capital in that rather silly manner. We offer you two choices :
1. (Non-preferred). We raise a loan via the Bank of Sigma Cygni and put it in bond. As the only lifeforms known to charge interest commensurate with cosmological timescales, the BoSC will take approximately 20 kZSH to respond to our application owing to their inordinately slow metabolism. That would mean we wait for approximately 50 generations (mine, at least) for contract effectiveness.
2. (Preferred). You accept the planetary system in orbit around Epsilon Delphini as security. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. The buyer just defaulted. (Keys available on request. Carbon-based visitors are advised to wear lead-lined clothing).

We note your comments about the Darth Vader judgement. Our counsel advises that we can agree to whatever we feel like, because if that happens we're all up sh*t creek.

One of our own. We reserve the right to use a Megolem (Pat. Pending) in fast-track projects such as these. In case you are unfamiliar with the technology, this involves the creation of a rudimentary organism up to a milliparsec in diameter. The organism may be used for general labouring, including the shaping of planetary matter, adjusting suns etc. It is then consumed in situ using local stellar radiation in an environmenentally-friendly manner.
The use of a Megolem is still entirely legal in the project sector, but Pinnipedal accepts no responsibility if this situation changes in the lifetime of the project. You are also reminded that the creation of a Megolem is an offence in several galactic sectors. A full list of places it will henceforth be stupid to visit is available on demand.

The lifeforms, yes, we know, thank you. We have done this before, you know.

I guess that just about kicks us off. If your elk is fashioned from Jarlsberg, please confirm in the usual manner.

Yours, etc.
SYWM
For Pinnipedal etc.

Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors
Attention Montague Trout

Dear Mr Trout,
I am deeply concerned by the intrusion of your associate in this issue. He/she or it seems to be in a state of complete confusion. I am not sure that such an entity has any part to play, seeking as he does to reduce such a serious matter to some form of play acting. I had some sympathy with the way that the Pinnipedal company had been treated but this outburst seems to be totally uncalled for. Can I leave it to you to bring him down to earth, if that is not too obvious a pun, and suggest to him that having got himself into this situation he finds some way of getting out of it. There may be something of consequence in what he has to say but we must have some form of moderation. in this matter.
Ignoring this outburst for the time being, I am glad that we seem to be reaching some understanding of each others part in this matter.
However you continue to add confusion which could have irretrievable and catastrophic
consequences. We now have reference to Earth Mark 2, II and 10 and to long out of date Galactic Federation Codes of Practice. I have checked DNAh2g2 the recognised manual on all Galactic matters. No reference whatsoever is made to Federation Standards. Standards in the main pertain to the old Earth. Could it be that the Federation Standards are considered as pure fiction. Entries are made to specific practices, for instance one entry deals quite extensively with the hanging of toilet rolls. This illustrates the extent of detail covered by DNAh2g2 in all matters Galactic.
My search revealed one thing however and I shall make the necessary changes to my notes in this regard. The name used for the project is Earth Mark Two.
I take it that your new commission has come to you via the Galactic Overlords, it seems reasonable in this regard to have contingency plans. It is evident that Earth Mark Two was under construction before the demise of the original Earth and at one time was itself such a contingency.
I am interested in the independent CGAlf-modelling work. It would seem that an amendment needs to be made to the current contact for Earth Mark Two in order to ensure that fossil fuels are written out of the evolutionary equations, if it is not found more beneficial to stunt the development of any profoundly-stupid dominant species.
I am aware that Galactic Standards are being developed for the work that your company is doing in connection with binary coding for Orbital Body referral. I have heard it said that Galactic Standards may well get a reference in DNAh2g2. It would be most helpful if such a standard was available before Phase 3 of the Contract for Earth Mark Two.
I was unaware that a site (around Daedalus-1 star of the constellation Dent.) had been chosen for Earth Mark Two. It was my understanding that it was to reset within the existing Solar system pending studies to establish that over the next 2 million years it's orbit will not coincide with that of other galactic bodies and rubbish that has been carelessly dumped in space.
I hope that our association can now proceed in a constructive and business like manner.

Ancient Brit - Engineering Consultant

Filenote: Notes From Meeting (internal circulation only)


Ref: Daedalus 1 Solar System - Eight New Planets

Present: Pinniped, Pinnipedal Contracting Company
Trout, Montague


Pinniped - First impressions: Slippery customer. Contractually sharp. We'll have trouble with this one. Arrived in his own refrigerated tank, appearing to believe himself superior to us here on Dilmun, as if the hydroxide of hydrogen released from our gills is somehow contaminated. Certainly speciophobic, having shown peculiarly acute distaste for the frog-based and any bipedally motivated being, ourselves included despite being scaline. Typical contractor mentality. Flippershake was wet, and mysteriously buckled ... an innocent mill accident, or something more sinister? It would be of no surprise to learn that Pinniped's fantastical practices have caused him to fall foul of the Mafici of Sicililius Minor.


Problems:

1. Addressed. Standard units of time accepted as the Zzaark Standard Heliocycle (ZiSH). All Contract documents to be updated accordingly.

2. Performance Bond. Pinnipedal's offer of a loan as a bond is typically circular contracting shenanigan. No doubt the security for the loan will not be assets of the Pinnipedal Contracting Company, but this project itself. On-demand cashing of the bond in case of default by Pinniped will be a flyless proposition. The alternative offer of the planetary system in orbit around Epsilon Delphini has equally nebulous benefits, particularly if anyone has a lien on the system. We shall consult The Galactic Federation for further direction, but suggest that we (informally) advise Pinnipedal to take out an insurance policy against cashing the Bond. Premia are usually around 10% of the Bond value, which should be acceptable to Pinniped.

3. Insurance. Pinniped has called our bluff here. The insurance companies' policies are standard, egregiously resistant to revision, and above all inconsistent with Federation requirements. We will need (again) to recommend to The Galactic Federation that the Darth Vader exclusion clause is accepted in this case, and that the standard Conditions of Contract for future projects are updated accordingly.

4. We will need to obtain from Pinnipedal the implications of not using a Megolem. Contamination of passive eco-systa by an aggressive Megolem has been widely reported among the 'green' lobby. The last thing we need is to invoke the "frustration by eco-war" sub-clause.

5. The issues pertaining to the existing Earth Mk.2 (sic) were briefly discussed, but were agreed upon as being mostly irrelevant. Trout to write to AB.

Meeting Ended

(cc: Ancient Brit, for information and record)

Thanks for copy of the notes of your meeting.
As you say the discussions between you and the Pinnipedal Contracting Company fall well outside my guide lines. I would advise that you take care in any dealings with the eronious Federation and the PCC. For the moment, as you say, these dealigs have no direct bearing on the Contract for EMT. It is ironic that contractual names,definitions,standards and practices used in the outer reaches of the galaxy seem to conflict and yet at the same time complement those used in connection with the EMT contract. I should be glad if you would keep me informed of developments in this area in case something useful should happen to turn up.
The PPC seem to have wide ranging knowledge of activities around the Galaxy and yet seem to be blissfully unaware of the existence of the Galaxy Overlords. It seems too that Mr. Pinniped himself has not read my brief, otherwise he would know full well that I am of human extraction and the reasons for my involvement in the EMT Contract.

Ancient Brit - Engineering Consultant (EMT Contract)

PS. I use earth time in connection with my brief after all it would be rather st**id to use any other in a project involving earth. In any event it is used widely in DNAh2g2 and I believe is used by the Overlords themslves.
When I need to refer to monetary values I use the £ because it is the unit of currency that I am familiar with. I must admit that in order for me to get some feeling for true values I must convert to the old £sp system that went out of service just before Earth itself.
I shall clarify this situation in my notes.

From: Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors

To: Ancient Brit, Engineering Consultant


Dear Sir,

Your letters ref. Post 7 and Post 9 both refer.

In the first instance, we agree with your assertion that the unique 'communication-style' of Pinnipedal's representative can be regarded as somewhat unconventional (perhaps, we suggest, as a result of Babel-misalignment ... for record, I have witnessed a duel occur between a walrus and a manatee, the former of whom was mistakenly communicating in otariidae instead of sirenia). Thus notwithstanding, we trust that you will appreciate that we have no real mandate to chastise Pinniped, other than to threaten invocation of Clause 16 of the Conditions of Contract which inter alia empowers us to zone into stasis unruly Project partners. However we believe that at this fledgling stage, such action for an essentially trivial indiscretion, if that at all, would be unnecessarily disintegrative. In any case, we are confident that the team being assembled by Pinnipedal are more than capable of carrying out the works.

Otherwise, you are to be congratulated for your clarifications on Earth Mark Two, and we wish the project well. Reverting to your preferred numbering system, our understanding is that Earth Mark Two would be constructed to replace Earth Mark One (the 6-day planet), i.e., in the same orbit, somewhere between Mars and Venus. Meanwhile, Earth Mark Three, which will form part of our Daedalus I - Eight New Planets Project, will orbit the Daedalus-1 star of the constellation Dent. As is usual practice in projects Galaxy-wide, the Contractor has not bothered to look at the drawings, which perhaps explains the confusion that has thus arisen.

Thence, in view of your reluctance to become involved in Earth Mark Three, we have appointed the Cathays Radical Aerospace Project, fronted by Martin Brown of the Planet Cymru, to carry out detailed design for Pinnipedal. As agreed, any improvements or modifications realised during your study of Earth Mark Two will need to be absorbed into Earth Mark Three. As such, you may expect a delegation of CRAP in your visitor's portal shortly.

Yours faithfully,


Montague Trout
Project Coordinator

Wotcha Cuttle...

Yeah, we're in good shape, no probs. There's a lot of small print, sure, but Speak can handle all that. The refrigerated tank nonsense was his idea, grand entrance, that sort of thing. Damn near froze my b*ll*cks off. Still, like you always say, the secret of intergalactic contracting is to be as alien as possible, yeah?

Oh, the GalFed visit, right. You heard about that? Yeah, well, they got a bit upset about the Delphinus system. Seems like Trout&Co got on to them trying to find out if we actually own it. Well, exactly. So now everyone knows it's going to be radioactive for another 75 kZiSH, right. But fair's fair, Speak did mention that in the letter, kind of, and it'll be clean well before we could ever be pulled up for non-performance. So it's perfectly adequate security, surely?

The Megolem? No, I was coming to that. Yeah, GalFed got fried about that too. Trout's concerned about disposal, which makes a nice change from the Rights of the Organism brigade. I'm getting to quite like this Trout. He's more fishy than most bipes. And Speak's sure he is a Mason, even though he hasn't used the secret phrase yet. Really peculiar handshake, yeah. Always a dead giveaway.

That AB guy, though, I don't know. He's monoplanetary, and seemingly proud of it. Like he's on some kind of crusade to do things by the Book. Honestly, I bet that guy still believes in the internal combustion engine.

Yeah, we finished the survey. It'll take eight. The middle four are gonna have to be gas giants, though. Seed the primary moon of the fourth out, carbon-based, oxygenated water environment. Yeah, so it's not very original, but stick to what works, right? The preliminary lifeform sims came out kinda cute. Spidery things with this traily veil sort of structure. Orchid did them. OK, I wasn't sure either, but we're a bit short-handed.

The other thing is, Trout wants a program based on not using a Megolem. When? Fortunately he didn't say. Dunno really; sometime in the next hundred ZiSH or so? Gonna have to sleep on that one.

No, Speak won't be writing this time. Silence is golden, yeah? If Trout gets shirty, I'll get the albatross to talk to him. That'll slow him up a bit.

Pin

From: Mr Martin Brown, Cathays Radical Aerospace Programme
To: To: Ancient Brit, Engineering Consultant

Cc: Montague Trout, Trout Trout Old Spice and Trout
Pinnipedal Contracting Company

Ref: Daedalus 1 Solar System - Eight New Planets


Ddyr Syr,

Llfwy haddyff bn aberppoynntd bby "Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout" 2 pontydwsy ddytllelli ddsynn 4 "Planet Earth Mark Three".

Aberas sych, pwhellis synd 2 usk yaw aberas-bwylth drwynngs 4 "Planet Earth Mark Two".

Yaws ffaddyffyllelli


Martin Brown, CRAP Yngynnyr

Kwik-Fax-O-Gram



AB + U197657
Pin + U183682

Please excuse Brown, whose calcium-copy letter I've just received. He is proud of his heritage-site, Planet Cmyru, where he attended the excellent "Engineering School of Whales" on the ever-wet Caerdydd Moon. Moreover indeed, being Mysticeti he communicates only through his blow-hole (even then with a Cymraeg dialect), and The Babel Foundation have yet to debug fully the interpretation software. Brown's a high-flier nonetheless ... just give him plenty of space; we know from experience that he'll bring a monumental amount of CRAP with him.

Trout +U188966

PS - Let me know if you need a translation of Brown's missive; we have obtained a Cetacean-Patch from the e-pirates of Penzancius.

Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors
Attention Montague Trout

Dear Mr Trout
Events of the last few days threatened to make my brief in connection with the Earth Mark Two project untenable. You must realise that my involvement in EMT came about because of my earthly experience, it was a watching brief with the sole purpose of guiding that the project towards its objective. To that end I was to use any knowledge that I had or subsequently acquired of an earthly nature to make a useful contribution the Earth Mark Two project. I must confess that little of real value has come out of my work so far. You must accept that I am what I am with no pretext to being anything else. As I say the Galaxian Overlords recognised this and put the brief to me on that account.
In view of recent events I have been driven to contact them again.
They confirm their knowledge of the Contract for Contingency Earth Mark Three and its inclusion in the proposed Daedalus 1 Solar System . Not only that however they confirm the existence of the Galactic Federation. and have informed me that the Federation are in fact the higher authority to whom I should refer with regard to my investigations into the EMT Contract.
What pleases me greatly in this matter is that they have informed me that I am to have a substantial retainer paid into my personal account, and that I will be fully reimbursed for any expenses that I incur in connection with the EMT Contract. You may be glad to know that they also said that they have no objection to my involvement in the CEMT project and that I could also add any expenses incurred in that connection to my expense account.
I am to make my own decision but they stress that nothing that I do must in any way interfere with progress on the EMT Contract.
I now understand more clearly what is going on and will give serious consideration to the matter. I have been impressed by some of the practices and developments that have been highlighted in earlier correspondence and recognise full well my limited experience in that regard. It may well be however that my basic knowledge of contractual techniques could be of some assistance to you.
Before making any commitment however I want to make a few investigations into Pinnipedal and that namesake of theirs along with his associates.

There was one other thing that the Overlords expressed that has some bearing on this issue. Whilst the Daedalus project has to proceed with all speed CEMT must be treated separately. The system could function well without it, the minor adjustment that would be needed to correct gravitational influences could be made as and when necessary. They sensibly pointed out that there is little point in having a contingency plan in place before the original plan is up and running and moving some way towards providing a realistic answer to the ultimate question. Attention was drawn to the fact that operators are known to use equipment in a manner other than that for which it was designed and more often than not the customer changes his mind with regard to his original requirements half way through a project. Every endeavor must be made to take account of this in the design and construction of Earth Mark Three. They said that these were the facts of life in the design and construction industry and agreed that it would be foolish to put such terms into the specification, such matters usually being left for discussion and financial settlement at the end of the contract. I hope this helps.

As I pointed out I need a little time to consider my postion. Whilst I have the backing of the Galactic Overlords in what I do I work alone and have no contractual responsibilities whatsoever. My involvement so far has been entirely voluntary. I need to recap my activities to date before I can handle CRAP.

Ancient Brit - Engineering Consultant EMT









Events of the last few days threatened to make my brief in connection with the Earth Mark Two project untenable. You must realise that my involvement in EMT came about because of my earthly experience, it was a watching brief with the sole purpose of guiding that the project towards its objective. To that end I was to use any knowledge that I had or subsequently acquired of an earthly nature to make a useful contribution.to the Earth Mark Two project. I must confess that little of real value has come out of my work so far. You must accept that I am what I am with no pretext to being anything else. As I say the Galaxian Overlords recognised this and put the brief to me on that account.
In view of recent events I have been driven to contact them again.
They confrim their knowledge of the Contract for Contingency Earth Mark Three and its inclusion in the proposed Daedalus 1 Solar System . Not only that however they confirm the existence of the Galactic Federation. and have informed me that the Federation are in fact the higher authority to whom I should refer with regard to my investigations into the EMT Contract.
What pleases me greatly in this matter is that they have informed me that I am to have a substantial retainer paid into my personal account, and that I will be fully reimbursed for any expences that I incur in connection with the EMT Contract. You may be glad to know that they also said that they have no objection to my involvement in the CEMT project and that I could also add any expenses incurred in that connection to my expense account.
I am to make my own decision but they stress that nothing that I do must in any way interfere with progress on the EMT Contract.
I now understand more clearly what is going on and will give serious consideration to the matter. I have been impressed by some of the practices and developments that have been highlighted in earlier correspondence and recognise full well my limited experience in that regard. It may well be however that my basic knowledge of contactual techniques could be of some assistance to you.
Before making any commitment however I want to make a few investigations into Pinnipedal and that namesake of theirs along with his associates.

There was one other thing that the Overlords expressed that has some bearing on this issue. Whilst the Daedalus project has to proceed with all speed CEMT must be treated seperately. The sytem could function well without it, the minor adjustment that would be needed to correct gravitational influences could be made as and when necessary. They sensibly pointed out that there is little point in having a contingency plan in place before the original plan is up and running and moving some way towards providing a realistic answer to the ultimate question. Attention was drawn to the fact that operators are known to use equipment in a manner other than that for which it was designed and more often than not the customer changes his mind with regard to his original requirements half way through a project. Every endeavor must be made to take account of this in the design and construction of Earth Mark Three. They said that these were the facts of life in the design and construction industry and agreed that it would be foolish to put such terms into the specification, such matters usually being left for discussion and financial settlement at the end of the contract. I hope this helps.



Ancient Brit - Engineering Consultant EMT

From: Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors


To: Pinnipedal Contracting Company
Attention: Mr. Pinniped


CC: Ancient Brit, Engineering Consultant


Ref: Daedalus 1 Solar System - Eight New Planets
Subject: Contractor's Submission #001/001/alpha - Lifeform Sim


Your draft "lifeform sim" refers.

In the first instance please submit to us independently performed type-test-results from the CGAlf-modelling in order to verify integrity of the post-decessor reticulation. Clearly you will need to test to ultimate-state failure rather than to the superficial sustainability asymptote. In particular, we are keen to obviate the potential for the "Busted" scenario as evidence in the Earth Mark II simulation in which as a result of catastrophic climate-change the profoundly-stupid dominant species developed gill-bladders and fivefold life-spans.

Please also submit to us compliance certificates for all materials to be used in your proposed evolution. Your attention is drawn to the whole of Volume 100 of the project specification which inter alia calls for all materials to be in compliance with Interspacial Standard Ordnances (ISO) or equivalent. Pseudo-elements, including those made on Caw-Ria, will not be acceptable.

Regards,

Trout


Enc. The Busted Report - A947937

..................................

Internal E-morandum

To: Trout, Jacaranda
From: Trout, Montague

Jac.

Please investigate and report to me on the provenance of the laboratory Pinnipedal are using for testing. We don't want a repeat of gurniclegate. You know what we're looking for.

Thanks.

Regards,

Mont.

Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors
Attention Montague Trout

Dear Mr. Trout
I thought I should contact you personally.
Let me first apologise for the duplication of content in my earlier post. My secretary still uses an old Imperial type writer either she or it will have to go.

I have come to realise that the associates of Pinniped are entities that he contacts regularly in connection with his galactic affairs. They seem to be a nomadic gregarious bunch but by and large they are innocent and mostly harmless. Between them they seem to have wide experience and vast knowledge of all matters galactic. Following my general investigations I would be glad if you could clear two points.
1 - Are you yourselves entirely happy with Pinnipedals' involvement in your project and
2 - What is the basic objective of the Daedalus project. It seems that the provision of a contingency to EMT is a secondary requirement. The purpose of Earth developments has always been to find the answer to the ulimate question. By putting Contingency Earth Mark Two into a completely new location with an open ended planetary specification it would seem that those original objectives are being reconsidered.

The EMT project has been in a state of 'dithering' for some considerable time and since they have not been given any proposals for amendment they intend to move forward on the basis that early development of Earth Mark Two will follow that of the original earth, leading ultimately to it being dominated by humans. They promise to come back to me in the next day or so.

Ancient Brit

Cuttle?

Sorry, but I think you're going to have to get your tentacles dirty on this one, the way it's going. I can't even answer Trout about his blasted fauna, 'cos Orchid's gone off with that whale of his. Totally besotted, yeah. Yuk.

But that's not the real problem. The real problem is, we've got a Temporal. A BoC. A real belter.

Had you heard of this Busted thing? Neither had I. But the records make it pretty clear that this Boosh guy's been dead for ZiSH, a lot of 'em. Hears the catch. He's only still around as far as that AB nutter's concerned.

Yep, I am indeed absolutely certain. We beamed AB up and had a look in his head. He didn't bat a photoreceptor. Just said this happens all the time on "Earth", and that the spacecraft wasn't as shiny as he'd expected, and could he have one of those big bubbly valve things as proof he'd been up in one 'cos he couldn't wait to tell the neighbours. They're getting intolerable, these bipes. At least this one didn't plead with us to sexually molest him.

So, Boosh still lives in AB-time, but is prehistory in ours. Yeah, we already went through the records, of course. It gets worse. There have been at least four of these damn Earths, the original, then Mark II, Mark 2, Mark 10, Mark-every-bl**dy-thing. And they've all been destroyed within a few of their own gigacycles. Except that we're having an argument with some crazed bipe who's still living on the first one.

The Institute says its explicable through gravitational perturbations caused by all the construction activity, right. No, I never heard of such a thing either, not on this scale. The odd chunk of flora appearing from nowhere, that kind of thing, sure. Even instant ice-sheets now and again. But in this place you're likely to wake up and find the sun's changed colour.

Anyhow, the guys at the Institute say the only way to sort it out is to Backgrav the entire site. Yes, I can remember what you said you'd do to me if I ever mentioned doing that again.

So what alternatives can you suggest? Megathons? Great idea, yeah. The Institute also tell me that there about to publish incontrovertible proof that the Crab supernova was caused by the damn things mating. I think it's a fair bet that GalFed are about to outlaw the use of Megathons in all interstellar capital projects.

Yes, we could do it. We know how to Backgrav, probably. We think we've done it before, only the records are a bit confusing. There's certainly no law against it. And there are precedents for getting round the administrative problems.

Look, Cuttle. I won't do anything till you give me the all-clear, but here's Speak's draft of the letter to Trout. OK?

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Trout,

We have decided to Backgrav the site. In case news of this state-of-the-art construction method has not yet reached your spiral arm, here is a brief explanation.

Matter in the vicinity of the intended geoid is concentrated with a flocculator, usually seeded by inducing the gravitational collapse of a small star (either a naturally-occuring one, if available, or else a synth). The technique has been successfully applied several times, having been declared legal by the Supreme Caucus of the GalFed some 50 ZiSH ago.

The Backgrav method is widely considered to be the only means of alleviating local Breakdowns of Causality. The region intended to accommodate the Daedelus system has been shown to exhibit a severe Type 3 BoC.

Backgrav will, of course, result in the reversion of time in the sector. We will need to agree a provision under Clause 6 of the Interstellar Contracting Federation Code, to account for the fact that the works will now be completed some time before the contract is placed. You are requested to nominate a Precommissioner, who must understand that he will be unable to leave the worksite as a result of being dead well before he got there. Under Clause 6, his genetic signature in descendants accessible in our external timeframe will be taken as evidence that the existence of the planetary system is a consequence of the Contractor's efforts rather than of natural causes.

If you accept this proposal, then of course your system will be existent tomorrow, assuming only that we start it sometime in the not too distant future. We intend to start what we've effectively already finished as soon as we receive your downpayment according to what would have been Clause 11.2 of the Contract, were it not for the fact that you declined to agree to it.

With an offer like this on the table, however, we're sure you'll agree to it now.

Yours expectantly,
SYWM
Project Manager - Daedelus
for Pinnipedal etc.

NB - Please note that Planetary Template No. 42, "The Chelonian" (low profile terraspect, atop pachyderms) has been temporarily withdrawn from our commercial catalogue pending legal judgement. Owing to the incontinence of one AB, some pre-existent lifeform on the other side of the BoC has usurped the copyright.

Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout
Engineers, Architects and Quantity Surveyors

Attention Montague Trout

This chap Pinniped bothers me in that he is able to travel in time. What really concerns me however is that he as a most alarming capability that lets him see events that took place on the original earth after that Stupid Thursday when it was taken out of the solar system. Could it be that Earth still exists in another dimension ?
There is a real danger that he might get his dimensions in a twist in his dealings with C.E.M.T. and you could finish up with it being built in the right place but in the wrong time. I sincerely hope that he stays clear of Magrathea and E.M.T. I have already suggested that he should 'come down to earth', and anything that he says or does that has any bearing on amendments to the E.M.T. contract I shall consider with caution. His general policy seems to be ' build it and be damned, we'll deal with any problem as and when it arises'.
His enthusiasm abounds and some of the techniques and practices that he seems to have at his disposal are certainly out of this Galaxy. If I do become involved in C.E.M.T. then without doubt I have a lot of catching up to do.
The latest that I have from Magrathea is that they believe that the objective of E.M.T. will be best achieved if it proceeds by going along with the evolution of the human species, whether or not that species becomes dominant need not be considered at the moment.
Due regard will be taken of the warning you gave in connection fossil fuels . (Post 5 this conversation). It may well be that this area could generate an amendment to contract for Earth Mark Two. ( A798735 )

Kommkwik

De... ...... ntBrit.

Batt....slow. Stuck .... ches v spira.... arm. Thinks Pin..ped re.... sible for ...st sickstay Earth. Pin ... ...quals God. Be...are ... cd ... e ..t...me-glich. Ch ...kyaw...iles.

Trout