h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

toH! chongagh bInechvIS quSDaq!

whoops note the a at the end

I should now like to correct my earlier egregious error.

I used the straightforward verb prefix bo-.
I should not have. Despite what Craig David might say on the telly, in this case at least, bo- is not proper.

tI- is the IMPERATIVE prefix, which is what I should have used. Thus the correct rendition of this most useful phrase is:

qID SIQlaHbe'chugh, tIngaghjay'

Thank you, and my apologies.

H.

Arrgh.

Another error.

<> is not a suffix. It's a separate word.

qID SIQlaHbe'chugh tIngagh jay'

That really is it.

H.

Aaarrgh!

I have now been corrected by none other than Captain Krankor, author of "From the Grammarian's Desk" and the first Klingon grammarian in the KLI.

I have in fact left off the required pronomial prefix which indicates that the subject is "they" and the object is "it".

Hence - and I really do mean it this time - the correct rendering is:

qID luSIQlahbe'chugh tIngagh jay'

Phew.

H.

Err, any chance of a phonetic rendering of that, H? For various reasons I have a desire to use it in the pub this evening.

Blimey, here goes: letter by letter then...

qID luSIQlahbe'chugh tIngagh jay'

q - make like a k, then sort of cough a bit. Like saying "Khan", sort of.
I - is just "i" as in "bit" or "sit".
D - is like a d in English but with your tongue further back. Instead of just behind your teeth, it goes about half way back along your palate to make a duller sort of sound.
l - just an l like in... "like"
u - "oo".
S - half way between and English "s" and "sh". Put your tongue where you did for "D" and shush past it.
Q - like "q", only REALLY hawk that phlegm up.
a - "a" as in "ma" or "pa"
h - the sound on the end of "Bach" or "loch"
b - b as in "bet".
e - e as in "bet"
' - a glottal stop, as in "bet" pronounced by a Cockney.
ch - as in "chuffed" or "choccy".
gh - a sort of growl, like the sound in "Bach" or "loch" but voiced.
t - just a t as in "tits"
ng - a single letter in Klingon, a nasal sound like the end of the word "bong". No hard g sound though.
j - as in jet
y - as in yes

So, putting it all together, very, very loosely, one ends up with something that would sound something like:

khidd loo-shikkh-lach-be(t)-chooghh, teen-gach jie-y(ut)!

Where the (t) and the (ut) are not voiced but indicate sudden glottal stops.

Remember, speak loudly and forcefully. Klingon cannot be spoken timidly. If you spit a bit, you're possibly doing it right. If you're throat hurts a bit, you're probably doing it right.

I hope you get the response you're looking for...

H.

Ah, thank you.

I don't think speaking timidly will be a problem, it's not something I'm usually accused of

Well... how did it go?

H.

Well?

H.

Oh, sorry, I didn't get my chance straight away.

I needed it for a bet. Basically, who can say the weirdest thing in Klingon. I came a close second, behind 'I cannot hear you, I have a vegetable in my ear'.

Oh, you silly person. Why didn't you tell me the terms of the bet?

bIQgharghmey naQ lupDujHomwIj

Or, as any inflammatory Hungarian would be able to immediately tell you, "My hovercraft is full of eels."

Who are these people you know who amuse themselves in the pub this way?

H.

A couple of old school mates, a couple of locals. We meet up fortnightlyish to be geeks away from partners.

H.

Well, some of us for being geeks. Others for the dual purpose of being geeks and not hearing 'Another one? You've had three already. You're turning into an alcohol, mum said you would!', or words to that effect.

"You're turning into an alcohol, mum said you would!'"

Yeah. My mum predicted I'd turn into isopropanol, like my dad did, whereas her mother had me pegged for cyclohexanol, probably something to do with my temper.

What alcohol are YOU turning into?

H.

Oh dear, the perils of not previewing.

You wait fifteen years for the opportunity to do a joke... and then one presents itself on Facebook. And you NAIL IT.

Qapla'!

To celebrate the birth of my son, I've written a Klingon nursery rhyme:

wa', cha', wej, loS
targh yIjon, yaDDaj yIraQ
jachchugh HughDaj yISIj
wa', cha', wej, loS

Before the translation, you need to know that there's an animal native to Qo'noS called a targh that is commonly kept as a pet.

In English then:

One, two, three, four
Catch a targ, hold its toe
If it screams, slit its throat
One two three four

I thank you.