h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The day off, I'm dressed and all set
The best riding day this year yet
Gave the throttle a goose
When all hell broke loose
It's raining, I'm mad, and all wet

Leather clad and looking quite scary
Onlookers nervous and wary
Two bikers did meet
In an empty side street
Their axes were looking to bury

Angry and looking to settle
A dispute over who gets to peddle
Their illicit wares
Microsoft shares
The loser with no rights to meddle

They started their engines on cue
The air took a smokey, grey hue
Down went the flag
Beginning the drag
And straight down the road they both flew

Around the curve scaping their pegs
Ahead where the finish line begs
Race two desperate men
An old score to even
Societies most unlovely dregs

The winner, of course, got to sell
And, it is said, did quite well
The loser was left
Defunct and bereft
Trading Dell, IBM, and Intel

Forty miles from home and he's tired
For a while, the coffee kept him wired
Now he can't even see
A good place to pee
And the gas in his tank's just expired

He's late and his wife's in a mood
She's at home with a scowl and cold food
"A short ride" he said
Now she'll have his head
This sure isn't looking too good

"A great lie, that is what I need!"
He said as he finally peed
"If I get home at all,"
"My tale will be tall"
"And convince her my virtue indeed"

So he called for a ride and a tow
And when he got home don't you know
He told her a whopper
But that didn't stop her
From telling him he should just go

When out for a short little ride
And waiting at home is your bride
Don't dally too long
Bring some gas along
Be honest and swallow your pride

Or fool around just like our hero
And stop for a hot dog or gyro
Let time slip on past
And you'll find out fast
That your lovelife will quickly be zero

Another one! Give me a break!
Or go take a jump in the lake!
Is that all you do?
Just sit on Hoo-Too?
Ride that bike for heaven's sake!

The riding is just part of it
It adds to the joy if you sit
Before your keyboard
Racking your gourd
And tapping out piles of this sh*t

Is it sunny out or is it wet?
Have not even looked outside yet
Eyes but a slit
'Tis nigh time to quit
Midnight rides Johnny Barrett

The day is for riding and fun
For hills, valleys, cool wind and sun
The night is for sleep
To drift into deep
Dreams of the next poker run

On ridges the wide expanse lying
Through valleys below eagles flying
Vast deserts forlorn
Past oceans of corn
'Neath remnants of thunderstorms dying

She wanted to go for a ride
So, dragging her old man outside
She told him "let's go"
"Right here? Oh no!"
The neighbor looked over wide eyed

"The cycle you crazy old fool"
"We'll save all that stuff for the pool"
"I'm looking for speed"
"It's wind that I need"
"So get your butt off of that stool"

He got up and started Old Red
She straightened the cap on his head
The bike roared to life
An old man and his wife
Sped off to the long road ahead

The Yogabike's crippled I fear
The spine-twister slips in fouth gear
It's headstand is bent
It'll take every cent
That I have to reengineer

If I refold the wheel to an "s"
Stretch the sprocket three inches, no less
Give the bender a tweak
Meditate for a week
I might yet just salvage this mess

It's not like this bike has instructions
To heal it's unusual functions
I'm alone with my mind
What parts I can find
And duct tape for hard to reach junctions

Road conditions 'round here are bleak
My patience held out 'til last week
I tried for a ride
Went into a slde
Off the road, down the hill, in the creek

Go riding with David Magoo
If you want something fun to do
He'll take you around
To places he's found
That will send waves of awe right through you

A few hundred pounds of raw steel
One fore and one afterward wheel
Crude oil refined
Parts straight and aligned
And chrome for that lightening bolt feel

Some good plugs and electrical wires
Let's not forget extra wide tires
A paint job that shines
Sleek, flowing lines
A tank beyond fondest desires

A shaft if you must, or a belt
Chains are old fashioned, it's felt
Billet pegs for your feet
Leather bags, trunk and seat
Covered with some animal's pelt

It's fast that just goes without saying
It should for the money he's paying
Powerful and loud
This bike's been endowed
With horsepower just shy of dismaying

Is there anything I've left unsaid?
Should "Road Conditions" be put to bed?
Are there more to come?
Will I be struck dumb?
And will any of them ever be read?

Road conditions 'round here are quite poor
A snow drift is blocking the door
The wind is whipping
My Harley is slipping
And I'm almost froze to the core

Just south of the small town of Days
We parked in the shade for a gaze
On a prarie, hills rolling
Our presence cajoling
In the warm summer sun full ablaze

Five and a half years betwixt posts!
I've heard of more dependable gosts!
Five little lines
And only two rhymes
Is not too much to share with my hosts

I invite any lurkers to share
If indeed anyone does lurk out there
A cycling Limerick
With a pun or some schtick
About what you ride, with whom, or where

I might very well have been lurking
But that doesn't mean I've been shirking
Unlike another
Two-wheeled rhymer, hey brother?
Glad to see you are back and are working

...you've got five years worth of limericks to make up, now snap to it or I'll ask for my money back

Pressure's on and I'm starting to sweat
But I'm not out of rhymes as of yet
Cycling, you see
Brings the art out of me
As do some of my friends on the net

The pipe on the bike used to mumble
It wanted to roar and to rumble
He poked down a stick
That did the trick
Now the neighbours have started to grumble

It's said roaring pipes can save lives
And announce a man as he arrives
These things are both true
Plus one secret thing too
They're louder than most of our wives

While riding the interstate quickly
He passed through some bugs gathered thickly
They slipped passed his tongue
And entered one lung
So now he has a cough rather sickly