h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Some of you may know that I am proud to be a TOG (Terry's Old Gits - devotees of Mr Wogan's morning radio show)

Now, quite often I'll email him off some comment or poem or other. Soemtimes they get read out! But quite often they don't. So rather than let them go to waste, I thought I'd create a home for the Wogan Rejects here. Do feel free to donate gems of your own - there may be a Post series or a Guide Entry in this!

Already seen on the Nigella thread, but for completeness:

Dr Seuss does Nigella
or
Green Peas and Glam


I will not eat green peas in soup
I would not, could not drink that gloop
I will not eat that green pate
Take it, take it far away!
I will not eat it, no sirreee
Not even made in a hurry
I will not eat your pea-cuisine
I will not eat your food that’s green.

Did she make it with no fuss?
Did she drink it on the bus?
Did she eat it in the cab?
Did she slurp and call it fab?
Did she eat green peas in soup?
Did she eat them on her route?
Did she make it in a trice?
Did she think it very nice?

I do not like a soup that’s green
I do not think it should be seen
I do not like squashed peas on toast
That’s the thing I hate the most
I really do not like green peas
Do not make me eat them, please
I do not like them in the hall
I do not like green peas at all!

Yikes Its a confessional with a difference.

I'll need to see what I can dig up for you from my past failures.

From the offices of Messrs Grabbin, Metoole and Pullet

Dear Sir,

Ref: Potential damages claim for a new kitchen and associated distress

You state in your recent missive that on Wednesday 3rd September you had won £2 on a Lucky Dogs scratchcard, and decided to celebrate with a few pints of Pinot Grigio in the Whiskery Ferret lounge bar. On your arrival home, several hours later, you state that you felt "a bit peckish, like" and so decided to follow the advice given by that doyenne of TV chefs, Nigella Lawson, and rustle up some Caramel Croissant Pudding. On finding that you were sadly lacking in left-over croissants, you reasoned that the crusts left out on the bird table that morning would suffice, given a bit of a clean-up with the dust-buster.

Unfortunately, just after you had placed the sugar and water on to a high heat burner for the caramel sauce, you were overcome with an urgent need to answer a call of nature, and on your return to the kitchen you discovered that the sauce was extremely caramelised, (to use the cooks euphemism for "burnt"), as indeed was most of the hob and surrounding work surfaces, and the dried up bread crusts. On reaching for the nearest liquid with the intention of dowsing the flames, you mistakenly threw the contents of a bottle of bourbon (as specified in the recipe) over the fire. The ensuing furnace engulfed the rest of the kitchen, and you yourself were lucky to escape with no more serious injury than a singed eyebrow and a charred tank-top.

Having considered all these circumstances, we have reached the conclusion that you do indeed have a valid case against Ms Lawson, and we shall we seeking Counsel's opinion forthwith.

Your obedient servant

I Pullet LLB
Senior Partner