h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Axe_123 falls onto the floor*
Owwww... I shouldn't have pressed that button

*Looks around*

My god, this is the BARMANAGER'S OFFICE?

I'll have to make a few a few changes around here, like getting a door...

*Walks painfully to the left*

...and getting rid of the dead body on the floor.

*Calls up Venom and asks him to come down*

Right, I'll get on with the room description now, because things are getting boring here with no furniture.

This is the office of the Bar Manager, Axe_123. The first thing that you notice upon entering through a shadow is the large hole in the ceiling (which I'm getting fixed), caused by my rather unorthodox entry the first time that I came here .

In one corner, you see a pool table, complete with all of the balls and four cues. You need to pay 10 credits to play though, as I haven't hacked the credit system yet.

In the other corner is a really, really good sound system. In fact, it's so good that you can get an idea of what it looks like by thinking of the best sound system that could possibly exist and then adding a load of things that COULDN'T exist to it, such as a little gadjet that makes the system destroy any terriable music that it finds, based on the prefs. stored in my IdentiCard TM.

In the middle of the room is a campfire. I don't know how it got there but it serves as an acceptable substitute for the stations heating systems which, quite frankly, aren't up to scratch.

At the other end of the room from where you entered is Axe_123's desk (which happens to be one of those blue blow-up ones) upon which sits a computer, because it couldn't find anywhere else to go, a green beanbag and a filing cabinet, where I keep all of the information that I need, and then some. By the way, if you try to open it and you aren't an exact clone of me (or even if you are), you'll be dead in 6.2 seconds.

On the left wall is a refrigerator and a microwave. The refrigerator contains a lot of pizza, some apple juice, a few alcoholic beverages and whatever else I've put in it recently (which conveniantly means that you can get anything that you want from it, the drinks are on me).

Oh yeah, and the walls are painted in ultraviolet and the floor and ceiling (or what remains of it) are infrared (I like a nice contrast). I was going to paint the walls with an intelligent shade of the colour blue, but I thought that it'd be too controversial. If you can only see white walls, you really should get an eye transplant, humanoid eyes are _so_ yesterday.

BTW, if you're a dog, you might want to hide in the small dog house in the corner, because Venom'll get angry if he knows that you're here.

If you're neutral, then go to the dog house and enroll as a dog

And, so that the Laws of Continuity aren't disrupted, I have to warn you about the security systems in place. There is a security system in place around this room. If I don't want you here, you won't be. Right, that's it, you have been warned.

Right, you get to enter now that I've got things decorated.

*Axe looks around the room*

Not bad...

*He walks over to the computer*

Hmm... Linux as well, I wouldn't have thought that these guys could do their job so well!

*sits on the beanbag*

Comfy as well. The smoke from the fire smells a bit though, and the roof could do with getting repaired. Lets see... Yes, that should do it. The damage control system must have been damaged, I really should get backups.

*suddenly, the smoke from the fire starts to dispel*

Nice vents. You couldn't tell that we're 5 AUs from a binary star.

*Grabs a from the fridge and sits down, waiting for someone to turn up*

*walks in, after disabiling the fortress of a security system outside the door, meant to prevent any unwanted doggies that may get into the Manager's office from NOT GETTING OUT!* Oooh inflatables! *the reader might notice his captured Dial-A-Gun in a belt holster, and his Palm in his palm, able to blow the office away in two strokes of a stylus* So anyway, waddaya want? Nice decorations by the way. I love the UV! And I'll get the roof fixed ASAP, considering you might get some hostiles in that way...

Hey, the roof's no problem. I've already got the computer to call damage control

Oh, yeah, I've been having some problems with the space-time continuum. When I fell through the floor to get here, it seemas that something very strange happened.

The end result is that this office seems to have a female computer voice instead of the normal, insane and suicidal one.

Computer, close doors.

>Computer: Access denied. You are not registered with the security systems on this station.

Where is the nearest security system

>Computer: The nearest security computer is located in Captain Venom's office

*runs out*

Computer, close the doors.

>Computer: Confirmed. The doors are now closed. Access requires a level 3 security card

*Puts a Level 3 inside the dog house where venom won't look*

*Puts on some music, namely the Zip disk that he tried to use in Venom's office*

Computer, set up the long-range sensors to scan for user 188770. Upon entry of this quadrent by the former user, arm the anti-idiot torpedos and fire upon my command.

>Computer: Processing. Please stand by...
>Computer: Sensor net activated... Torpedos armed... Automated loading systems on stand-by...

And now, we wait...

*turns into a dog and goes to sleep in the dog kennel*

Yeah, I switch the voices periodically. I see you've gotten hooked-up to the security system. I had the guys put a hatch over that hole, and a ladder below it, JIC you still liked falling through the bar floor. And the dead body's been taken to the recycling tanks, where it will be ground up for it's neutrient value and made into low-quality doggy kibble.

BTW, if you're wondering about the torpedos, I've had an argument with someone I know, and he's been trying to trash the office...

Note to all dogs: don't eat any dog food that Venom gives you!

This office is official neutral ground. I swore away any right to fight here when I hired you on. However, as soon as they walk out, they'll be hurt painfully thanks to my anti-ACF systems, and then poisoned or captured.

>>>I swore away any right to fight here when I hired you on.
??? I didn't know that. Anyway, those lasers should hurt enough, as I would know

I have two staff members that actually say something outside of my head. I can't lose one just because he is a dog, or is caught in the crossfire. But don't get any ideas. I don't like holes in my walls, but my Kill-O-Zap plasma rifle doesn't mind too much.

???

*re-reads*

??????

Can you rephrase that?

I only have two real staff members, you and Yo. The rest exist only as a product of my imagination. I would not like to lose you just because ur a dog or you are caught in the crossfire of a battle in your office. However, as soon as any dog you may invite leaves this office, he's fair game and I hope you know that.

RU unconfused now?

*Venom walks over to the pool table, plugs his Palm in, and deactivates the credit system. He then places a HUGE BUTTON labeled PUSH HERE TO START hopefully to cause Axe to notice.*

Thanks for the rephrase, and the creditr hack.

BTW, sorry to hear about your "parentally-enforced trip to RL" (where the hell is that?)!

It's about 3 parsecs down the western spiral arm of the galaxy, and let me tell you, I don't know how anyone could live there. No problem for the credit hack. None of the previous barmanagers ever paid much anyway. *blows needlessly large amounts of dust, a few cobwebs and a spider out of the pool table's credit receptacle* Ahh! Spider! *whacks it with the latest edition of the h2g2 post*

Ha, ha, ha, I am the evil clone of Richard Stallman! Your computer will be destroyed!!

*ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!! ZAP!!!*

*A bruised penguin runs away*

Ha, Ha, Ha!