h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It may take me some time to get over my death but I should be amongst the living in a week or so

Not that I die that often but it has happened before (on the odd occasion)

That's just plain nonsense. You're all talking nonsense. Nonsense!

I resemble that comment!!!












I am a camera!!

On occasion.

The ladies of the wearing mini skirts in winter brigade will mourn your death by wearing black mini skirts and a black hat and veil.

That's very thoughtfull and much apreciated.

I'll do the same for you if it should come to that!

I like the idea of wearing the black mini

The Lady champion blethers

Mrs Bake a cake chamnpion of the natters
Mrs Nosy Wosey and her free flying nethers
The Aye Aye twins of Turnberry who only say one word Aye even when they get on a bus and ask for the ticket they only say Aye
Michelle and her love of grated cheese, boiled eggs, mayonaisse and clean sweeps
The Donought Queen
The Train groupies who only talk about past/present/future (personal/family/colleagues/relatives/friends/nieghbours): illnesses, shopping trips, day trips, family gossip, village gossip, short breaks, holidays, outings and social events all at the same time

Aye.

Ranton, Ranton, Ranton.
Goforth, Gofith, Gosix.
Ranton, Ranton, Ranton.

Peter has invented a wonderful inverntion called the Never ever Land parrot hopping machine that talks in llama. Buy one and get one free. Amaze your friends and neighbours at this parrot machine that talks in llama.

Do you believe that penguins, llamas and parrots exist? I always felt that they existed, even though at school my friends laughed at me. Do not you remember, when you were laying in your bed in the dark, and then suddenly you saw a black and white shape emerge, then what looked like across between a camel and a sheep and a bird with a very large beak. You must have thought it was a dream? Well it was not, those weird things that you saw at night were real. The penguins, llamas and parrots are out to go and get you.

Honer the Parrot is not dead!


I saw Homer the parrot a few weeks ago at the Haymarket in Newcastle and he told me that he had been kidnapped by some llamas and penguins, who took him to their zoo. They did some strange things with his beak making him look like Donald Duck.

2. Sci-fi tv programs are all real

Whenever you watch Star Trek, Star Wars, Stargate, Doctor Who and wonder what you watch is clever special effects you are watching you are all wrong. All the aliens that you see in sci-fi tv programs and films are real and the alien planets that you see are all real too. All sci-fi tv show and films are really shot in outer space and all have real space ships.

Doctor Who really has a TARDIS and all the actors that played him are all aliens from Galifrey and he really is 900+ years of age and has two hearts.

Stargate is actually filmed at Nevad's Area 51 that is why it is so secret because they do not want people finding out that they have a real Stargate and the actors that play them are real soldiers.

In Star Wars there are Jedi Knights who have powerful psionic powers. The actors that have played them really do have jedi powers and use real light sabers.

In Star Trek there is an eccentric alien called Q, he is not a fictional character but a real one and he does have ominpotent powers and loves to wind up Captain Jean Luc Picard up.

What makes it confusing is that the so called actor Patrick Stewart is both Captian Jean-Luc Picard and the X-Men leader Professor Charles Xavier. That reminds me everything that you see in the X-men films is completely real and no use of special effects has been used.

That must mean that I'm fiction then!!




Well, in that case all I can say is this horror must have been created by a very warped mind

A postman was working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF HOMER THE PARROT! Then the parrot starts to fly over the postman's head shouting The llamas are going to get you, the llamas are going to get you. Then what looked like a llama except it had two heads starting to come rushing towards me with a bone in its mouth.

Funny you should say that, but it's exactly what my Lord Kevin XI said to me last night at Windsor. He's such a nice chap, but has this strange fear of llamas.

I have heard that Lord Kevin XI has a deep fear of penguins and toilets. Every time he goes to the toilet he has to make sure there are no penguins lurking or hiding in the cubicles.

mom, are we there yet?

We have now arrived at our destination which is the Outer Mongolia/Inner Mongolia holiday camp which is in the town of Back-of-Beyond in the county of In-the-Middle-of-Nowhere.

This is no holiday camp, I declare! It isn't in the least bit effeminate!

Handbags, brooms, trays and brollies will be given out at the Holiday Camp for the Nora Batty and Ivy Championship Nagging Cup.