h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://www.boredpanda.com/short-scary-two-sentence-horror-stories/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

My goal of writing horror stories was always thwarted by the lack of material to work with in my drab, safe life. Today, though, I hear piercing sounds as if from the grave, while blood seeps from the nail holes in my walls, and something big is trying to get into my house.

My wife woke me up and said: "There are strange noises coming from the ground floor, Jim!"

I told her: "This is the ground floor - and who the hell is Jim?"

I walked in to a eerily quiet darkened room.
A ly voice said "you've forgot to pay the electricity bill again"
BOO!!

My upstairs neighbour Sarah kept on screaming down the phone to her work colleague that she is being attacked by visions of her favourite pop singers who were singing out of tune while they were hitting the wall with a sledgehammer. This caused the whole maisonette apartment building to shake while slugs and bluebottle flies began to emerge from the floorboards that dramatically increased in size so that they eventually exploded with all their remains on the floors, ceilings and walls.

His screaming is making the baby cry. I'm childless, and live alone...

So You think your scary ?
Ha! I look at watches and they stop running

It was dangerous to leave the house after dark, as large slugs emerged from the nearby swamp and swallowed anyone foolish enough to be outside. I thought I saw dawn in the distance (it turned out to be sunset, alas!), and I went outside in just my robe to pick up the morning paper, when I heard the door close behind me....

It was the time of the eternal night when a creeping dense fog enveloped the world that blocked the sun. The sky seemed to be falling as the fog appeared as clouds with a pitch darkness where no-one could see what was in front of them.

I opened the door slowly..
I shut it fast..

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me I don't have a psychiatrist ...

I entered the walk in wardrobe where there was a door that led to the hidden part of my bedroom. It led to a gateway to another world where there were empty seaside buildings apart from the pub and a few shops.

I slept through the apocalypse. When I woke up, my mattress was on bare ground, and all around me were smoking ruins.

I had a desperate urge for mac and cheese, my life depended on it. And then the fridge proved bereft of any cheese !!!!

I heard pounding at the front door, along with a voice that shouted, "I claim this land in the name of Princess Charlotte." Great, not only is my house haunted, but it's haunted by the ghost of someone from the future.

It was a pitch-black night in the car park when I was surrounded by 42 ghost riders whose chieftain turned to me and said: - Sorry for our tardiness, Sire, be you His Majesty King Richard who is willing to trade this land for a nag?

Standing on the hangman's platform, I was asked if I had any last words. I said, "When I said I would kill for a double latte with soy cream and nutmeg and chocolate sprinkles, I didn't literally mean killing," but it was in vain, as I was in a country where coffee beans were considered sacred.

While facing the firing squad - innocent, yet hogtied and blindfolded - I was told that I was a spy according to their military intelligence.
Realising I now had nothing to lose I couldn't help saying "military intelligence is the worst contradiction in terms I've ever heard!"

In London all the London Underground stations escalators, floors, walls and railway lines had wall to wall red carpet. The trains ran by themselves and always diverted from the planned route.

I was visiting a cousin in a strange, distant country that I had never heard of. I thought I would make an omelet as a surprise, but when I went to choose some eggs, I saw that they were hatching into strange creatures with sharp teeth, claws, and distinctly dinosaur-like bodies.