h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Shades of Doris Piserchia!

http://www.google.com/search?q=Doris+Piserchia&oq=Doris+Piserchia&aqs=chrome..69i57.9631j0j4&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

Rehearsals for "Fermat's Last Theorem, the musical" were going badly.

"Dance of the Prime Numbers is about personality," the director
exclaimed. "One, you are too close to the others. Three, your tango
is terrible! Seven, you should be in heaven, not hell."

"Who's the hairy guy with the German accent?"

"That's Wolfram. The hair should be gone by the end of class."

"How's that possible?"

"He's just had a session with his hypnotist."

"Hypnotist?"

"To curb his lycanthropic tendencies. He's a trance-fur student."

Otto Mann found fungus on his furniture. He furnished his flat with ferns and gave it a funeral.

Tammy Wynette sold her dinette set to a fine etymologist.

The Queen of mean was seen in green sateen on Halloween, with a
libertine.

Let us go then, you and I,
To the pumpkin pie demolition derby.
Spectators scream for orange pulp.
Judges measure the thickness of crust.
Mechanics install wheels--
Tricky when crusts are soggy.
Pie filling shifts on impact
Why're we doing this again? fs

"Your order, Sir?"

"Deep-fried haggis."

"Any sides?"

"Pork rinds."

Something to drink?"

"Red Bull."

"Dessert?"

"No thanks. I'm watching my cholesterol."

***************************************************

"And you, Ma'am?"

Salad. With de-fatted lettuce."

Anything to drink?"

"Diet Coke."

"Dessert?"

Pecan pie, to keep up my strength."

Visiting grandma, the kitchen filled with cooking smells, the family watched as grandma removed the cover----- revealing a haggis, which she sliced, serving portions to the dog and the cat.

Smiling brightly, she asked, "Now where are you taking me to dinner?"

When squirrels took over the White House, voter reaction was mixed. Some doubted the squirrels could be worse than the guy they replaced. Others objected to having vermin run the government. The rest thought it was still 1958, with Eisenhower still President.

The wisdom of toads from the twelfth dimension:

"You want to get out of the twelfth dimension as fast as possible."

"No one puts lipstick on a fly, but if they do, it's still a delicious fly."

"Who cares what toads say?"

Megagenius was angry with me. I found myself in a cell in his basement.

"I'll let you out if you solve Fermat's Lost Theorem," he said.

"If it's lost, how would I know what it says?" I wondered.

"It's not rocket surgery."

rocket surgery? a VERY good one, paulh

She woke up a bear, which went from dormant to mordant in seconds.

"I didn't expect such exceptional behavior," she admitted. "We vacated our excavations, crated our tools and retraced our steps. I made a deal with my leader not to tell."

"Drop your weapon!" the EPA agent ordered.

"But those giant toads ate my horses," I objected.

"They're rare toads."

"How rare?"

"Only three left."

"But they belong in the 12th Dimension, not here."

"We have orders."

The toads enjoyed eating the agent.

Planet of the Oops: an earthlike planet ideal for testing.

Every December 31, it resets to its status as of the previous January First.

Scientists have used it to test thermonuclear war, disease outbreaks, and climate change.

It's currently testing rogue presidents.

The Decorative Rifle Association is asking for your help. We think firearms look nice! Why dirty them by firing bullets? Artists have depicted guns in numerous iconic paintings. An old cannon can make a charming centerpiece for a garden. Think about it!

Lord Mudpants scowled as photographers circled and spectators applauded.

"The Mexican Wall will be built of Chupacabras," he announced. "Wherever that's not feasible, we'll substitute pictures of me."

Meanwhile, at Mar A Lago, another wall was built, to keep out rising seas.

THE STRANGE AND THE SILLY [Drama]


"Erica, I'm torn between Zack and Godot."

"Elvira, You've been torn for 728 episodes!"

"Zack has dreamy eyes and washboard abs."

"And a squirrel's tale! He's an experiment gone horribly wrong!"

"Godot?....."

"Won't answer your calls!"

Looking over a social prospect new on the block, a question was raised.

"Does he bite?"

Hearing this the new prospect responded, smiling, "Do you mean 'bite like a fish' or 'bite like a dog'?"

"No, I mean "bite like a monkey"."

Uncle Jim picked me up at the airport. We drove on a parkway. Then we parked on a driveway.

My cousin's school has a statue of Jesus in front of it.
There's a school crossing guard and a cross guarding the school.

Tweedledum and Tweedledee couldn't agree on the kind of cookie they were sharing. Tweedledum thought it tasted like figs. Tweedledee said it was mint. They asked Alice to settle the argument.

"There's no cookie," she said. "It's a fig-mint of your imaginations."