h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Give my regards to Broadway
and remember me to Herald Square.
So lets us all go to the ballet
where we'll meet with the bear mayor.

Tell all the gang at forty-second street
that I will be soon there.
Where Pete joins up with the gardening Elite
and it is where I'll be greeted with a fanfare.

Tell them that I will be soon there
and whisper that I have been yearning.
I will declare that I have the style and flare
for singing and dancing that I have been learning.

I'll go and mingle with the old time throng
that we met at the night club and at the cafe.
I'll tell you all of my travels to Hong Kong
where I was taught how to play mah-jong and croquet.

You abandoned the 200-year-old Wolverine.
Bub does not live here anymore.
I have known you since you were a teen
but all you do is ignore your mentor.

You and Wolverine were always seen together
and although no one could see you.
We could sense you through the aether
and hear you eating at the barbecue.

Once you were inside of James Howlett*
and other times you would transform into Deadpool.
I have even seen you become visible when playing the clarinet
which you learnt at the local community night school.



*James Howlett aka Patch aka Logan, aka Wolverine the dancing queen

Other weather fronts may turn me on
but I let temptation slide.
All it does is make me yawn
as I take life in its stride.

Used to be plain to see
the hunger in my eyes.
For a life that's carefree
and full of surprises.

Scandinavian High, High.
Keeping us cold and snowy
when there is a pearly-grey-coloured sky.
It will come when the North Easterly winds are blowy.

Can I have the weather
Balloon on a tether?
Never mind.
It doesn't matter.
It's the wrong kind.
Anyway.

It's got to be perfect,
it's got to be worth it.
It's got to take effect
when learning how to knit.

Too many people take second-best,
well, I won't take anything less.
I will go for the very best thermal vest
which will be worn underneath my circular dress.

With an overdose of petticoats
You'll look like a massive sphere that floats

You better watch out.
You better eat your Brussels sprouts
cooked in garlic, breadcrumbs and stout.
You will be getting sauerkraut and rainbow trout.
You better not cry.
You better not sigh.
You better have your apple and raspberry pie.
You better listen to Bareil Antos who's the new Kai.
Santa Claus is coming to town wearing his favourite gown.
He's coming with his golden crown to banish all frowns
and help those who are feeling low and feeling down
by telling stories about the lives of clowns.
He is making a list of those who are making a fist.
He will have a list of rules of how to play whist.
He will introduce children to the music of Franz Liszt.
He will help young adults who have never been kissed.

Santa knows when you're sleeping.
He knows if you have been leaping.
He knows if you have been peeping.
He knows if you have been sweeping.

He knows if you're awake.
He knows if there will be an earthquake.
He knows the recipe for the perfect chocolate flake.
He knows how to make the perfect Dundee fruit and nut cake.

He is going to find out about "bread wi' nowt taken out.
He remembers the time when he used to be a Boy Scout;
when he learned how to make speeches with clout.
He knows which plants will able to survive in a drought.

He knows if you have been bad.
He knows if you're friends with Brad,
who's quite a lad.
He even knows what's the latest fashions and fads.

He knows if you have been good.
He knows if you have been in a mood.
He knows if you wear a cloak with a hood.
He knows if you take walks in the forest and woods.

Who comes down the chimney head-first every time?
Who gives Grandma Legos, and baby a bottle of wine?
Santa Klutz! Sant Klutz!
The kids all love him, but they think he's nuts.

Who gives Dad some panties, and Mom an electric drill?
Who gave our third-grader a five-gallon moonshine still?
Santa Klutz! Sant Klutz!
The kids all love him, but they think he's nuts.

Who puts chairs in stockings, hangs spam on the Christmas tree,
Gives the cat some salad, and puts tinsel on the TV?
Santa Klutz! Sant Klutz!
The kids all love him, but they think he's nuts.

It's gonna be a surprising Christmas morning!

spam spam spam spam spam
spam spam spam spam spam spam spam
winter is coming

Winter is coming...
As Ygritte is giving out a low blow
By saying 'You know nothing, John Snow!'
White Walkers roam an empty Christmas street
Or rather slither, as the rain has turned into sleet.
Little red robins photobombing...

Tweet now at the cow and the sow
who are on the street and are trying to bleat.
There are farmers with their ploughs
who meet and greet when selling their wheat.

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost is nipping at your nose and toes.
The country squire has climbed onto the church's spire
whilst reciting winter stories, poetry and prose.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
as the wind blows and the snow flows.
Rose Briar arrives with the friars prior
and the Elves and the Hobbits from the shire.

Call me a lyre
You just missed the opportunity to use the word quagmire.
Well then, I'll put it on the pyre.

Everybody knows that Figgy Pudding and holly
help make the season delightful and bright.
Especially when it has been made by Molly
using her culinary skills and foresight.

Children know that Santa's on his way;
he's loaded lots of gifts on his sleigh.
Every parent's child will be looking out
to wait for Santa to banish all their doubt.

And I'm offering this simple phrase,
to children from one to hundred and two.
It brings wonder, and delight and greatly amazes
when bringing out both the old and the new.

Right here, right now.
The premier beer and a plough.
Right through the night,
a brigadier will work as a cashier.
Joined by the Sith and the Jedi Knight.
The sessile oak's bough and the frau
who paints the oak next to the lough.

When I am sad, I am happy.
When I am happy, I am sad.
When I am feeling snappy
it makes me feel mad.