h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A door that closes is never shut
Though it might slam in your face
Don’t believe you’re in a rut
For life is your saving grace

Love is like a pendulum:
Watch it go, then watch it come.

Toast the ghost
eating buttered toast
who haunts by the Newbiggin coast
sharing riposte with the host
serving beef pot roast
bought from the Trading Post.

Bless the children and the fun they have
Soaking tissue paper in the sun
Soaking toilet paper in the lav
Throwing it at my house, what fun.

Made a cunning tool to scrape it off
Frying blade bound to bamboo cane
I balance on my steps, and cough
Then ,SPLAT! they're throwing them again.

Dustpan and brush keeps busy this old chap
Another paper pellet hits the wall
The parenting I fear is simply crap
Their father doesn't seem to mind at all.


Their pitbull terrier worries me as well
Sometimes I think he spurs them on
An ill bred beast as far as I can tell
Who snarls and wishes I was gone.

Well doggie dear, you must wait a while
I'm only seventy five, quite young
Meanwhile I face my neighbours with a smile
As yet more soggy paper bombs they bung.

Your neighbors, friend, are up to no good.
Why stay in that neighborhood?

I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.
(Extra makeup was needed, as I feel ill.)
Luckily, I have lucky rabbit feet.
Feed me carrots. Life is sweet!

Do you live in the Back of Beyond?
Does your computer fail to respond
when you try to emotionally bond
by talking about fishing in the village pond?

Do you have lots of premium bonds?
Do you have a fine selection of handmade wands?
Do you correspond only with pen-pals who are blondes?
Do you want to abscond to London and become a spy like James Bond?
Or Do you want to have an almond plantation and become a member of the beau monde.

Are you sales executive material?
Do you want to sell breakfast cereal?
Do you want to become ethereal by driving down the Southend arterial?
Do you want to be employed in work that's managerial?

Do you love spurting out business jingo superlatives?
Do you spurn food filled with additives and preservatives?
Are you full of ideas and new fangled initiatives?
Are you always trying to find new advertising alternatives?

Are you dynamic?
Is home your full of ceramics?
Does your home look aerodynamic?
Are you an expert in rhythmics and in Marvel comics?

Are you a go-getter?
Do you want to better your betters?
Do you get a lot of fan mail letters?
Do you wear leather fetters when wearing a woolly sweater?

Do you think on your feet?
Do you eat sugar beet?
Do you use garden fertiliser made with peat?
Do you tweet on Twitter about how to grow organically produced wheat?

Do you want to become a sales executive?
Do you fill your life with positive affirmatives?
Are you very socially active?
Can you turn negatives into positives?

Are you lazy?
Yes, when the weather's hot and hazy.

Do you want to improve your sales drive?
Do you want to change your name to Clive?
Do you want to join the PR hive?
Do you want to jump up and do the high five?

And do you want to become target driven?
And do you want to become more thriven?
And do you want to have your own retreat haven?
And do you want to market your own brand of leaven?

None of the above.
Quiet's what I love.

Poor Amy has departed
Left fans broken hearted
Took some serious stuff
Singing like an angel that was never enough.

We're like bubbles that float
In the River of Time.
A pop star occasionally pops,
And this poem needs a rhyme.

My thoughts in my mind go swirling
about answers to life's mysteries that are unfurling
as I watch vehicles go hurling
along with garden gnomes that are twirling.

Watching the geese potato peeling
and the swans wheeling and dealing
selling boxes of tea that comes from Darjeeling
and cats and dogs telling jokes whilst they are people healing.

Well I've never seen this before
not even when doing the daily household chores
or even I'm re-painting the kitchen drawers
which I do every month in the afternoon at 4.

So I'm going to jump up and down
thinking about all the shopping I've go to do when I'm in town
or when I frown in the mirror wearing my brown wizarding gown
when wearing my intellect producing golden crown.

(Inspired by the songs of Little Boots)

I got lost in my bath tub
having a facial scrub
with Wolverine's imaginary friend Bub
who was having a sob about the grub
served at 'The Hellfire Club'
and is made by a bear cub
who uses ingredients from a rose shrub
which is paid through raffle ticket stubs
and the yearly membership subs
which some members like Emma Frost snub
and refuse to pay only when they join have joined the high society hub.

Dear joy, gift of the gods,
Daughter of Elysium,
We enter, besotted,
Into your sanctuary.
May your magic powers
Help reunite brothers
Divided from each other
Under your healing wing.

He was a devil for the ladies
Drove them mad as he drove his Mercedes
Through those country lanes at night
His man in front with a big red light.

He borrowed twelve quid to buy his first car
Never payed it back; he went to far
Put a millionaire's daughter in the family way
She worked very hard to earn his pay.

Got rid of her and soon found another
Very good looking, not a bit like his mother
Who smoked in the kitchen dropping ash in the soup
And his sister couldn't half spin that hoola hoop.

Now he's gone to the big shop in the sky
He died before I did; goodness knows why
I miss the old rogue, he was good to me
And he always found time for a nice cup of tea.

Poetry's an acquired taste
That many never acquire.
Likewise, hymns aren't for everyone,
Except those in the choir.

Poetry! is it what you see
Or is it! what you see makes you write some poetry
Ill be damned a poet I may be
So I sit and ponder under this old tree, penning some more old poetry

Everytime I go to the kitchen sink
all I want to do is wink
when going to get myself a drink
of water which makes all my excess fat shrink
making me nice and slim as I stroke my pet mink.

And now with a slim 22 inch waist
wearing a pair of medium heeled boots that are laced
I feel calm and composed and quite civilised
about going to the beauty parlour to have my skin deep cleansed.