h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sydney the Squirrel stored snow.
(It's quite sparse in Britain, you know ).
It stored well 'til May,
Then melted away,
And helped all the flowrs to grow.

My neighbour opens her front room window
and gets a hailer connected to the telephone.
She leans out and shouts out "whoa you're a yobbo."
Then my neighbour moans and groans about the foehn
and the Ferrel cell messing up Britain's winter.
This brings mild, wild winds and heavy rainfall
as the storms and constant rain races in like a sprinter.
My neighbour blames the jet-stream for not playing ball.
Then she screams and shouts as well as laugh out loud
about the eccentric antics of men who wear killer heels.
They always do wear them when the fields have been ploughed
and when they visit Lakeside shopping centre to buy jellied eels.

Your neighbor may well not have said
Those things that you wrote (which I've read)!
Your hearing's to blame.
That's just such a shame,
But deafness still beats being dead.

When I hear my neighbour shouting on the phone
it sounds at first sound if she is always incensed
As though she loves having a good old moan and groan
and this is making think why her replies are always condensed.
When she finishes her angry rant about nothing at all
as all I can hear is the tone of her loud voice.
It could be because she does not like living in the urban sprawl
but then she starts laughing and sounds like she wants to rejoice.
It could be about a very funny joke which is making her laugh
or something happening at work that she finds very humorous.
I find that she would even laugh when having a half
or when eating hummus and then knocking her humerus.

I think every person deserves
A home that won't get on their nerves.
Get along with your neighbor,
But please do not labor
Too hard at it. Life's full of curves!

I am hopping mad that I have lost my iPad.
It is making me want to hop one leg
as it makes me feel happy when I am sad.
To help me feel better I have a boiled egg.
I then look high and low for the lost item
that I put down when answering the phone.
To help me concentrate I put on my diadem
that belonged to the witch Rowena Ravenclaw
who is an ancestor of mine on my mother's side.
When I wore the diadem I was filled with awe
as it helped me find my iPad by acting as a guide.

Rowena turned into a raven.
Her neighbors all said she was craven.
She ran down the street
Dressed just in a sheet,
And then ran amok, misbehavin'.

It's funny how I find myself falling in love with you.
As when I see you all I think of is the cat called Goose.
Strew all I want to do is give you my home-made mutton stew
a recipe which was given to me by Captain Marvel with her apple juice.

If I could buy anything which I would probably pay to lose.
One half of a pint of beer won't do even with a fondue.
When I am with you all I want to do is sing the blues
and invite to you the biggest and best barbecue.

There is a man who keeps on saying yup to his mother dog and pups.
He is a laid back sales executive and rep who's an expert in managerial prep.
He recites the Ferengi rules of acquisition when having one of his fry-ups
and greets everyone with a yep when giving pep talks when sitting on the doorstep.

My recipe for mutton stew
Contains garlic, mustard and dew,
Some turnips and greens,
And fresh tangerines.
You may substitute kangaroo.

I am having one of my blue sky thinking days
where I look at blue sky and wonder why
I struggle in writing my journals and essays
about the many times I faced travel delays.

The sky is a drab, dingy gray.
We're getting no sunlight today.
This evening, the snow
Will come and will go,
At least so the forecasters say.

Whinging and whining
completely complaining
lamenting whilst dining
is not entertaining
So shut up and finish your grits

I don't know where I am going?
I don't know why I suddenly vanished?
I don't know why time is quickly flowing?
I don't why the vintage steam trains have been banished?
I don't know why I am always losing my bearings?
I don't know why there are so few classic steam trains?
I don't know if I'll ever eat salted caramel meringues?
I don't know if I'll will travel to Scotland's mountains and plains?
I don't know if I'll ever be able to buy bovril flavoured crisps?
I don't know if there will be freshly made candy floss?
I don't know if I'll ever eat caramel hazelnut wisps?
I don't know if I'll ever know how to make salted caramel sauce?

I'm throwing my grits into hell.
They're sure to cheer up William Tell.
I'll eat mango cake
And parboiled drake,
Just like the farmer in the dell.

Winter where did you go with all the snow?
As you never visited Great Britain and Ireland.
The snow we got was not enough for us to use a snow plough.
The Sudden Stratospheric Warming event did not give us a winter wonderland.
Tell us Winter why did your grant Canada and the USA with so many blizzards
and why would not you won't give us half of their snow bounty?
If you won't give us want we want, we'll ask the metahuman weather wizards
who will grant us seasonable weather in answer to our heartfelt plea.

I'd gladly give you half my snow.
We don't like it here, you might know.
They would not be missed,
And that is the gist.
Can't wait for Spring breezes to blow.

March is going to very mild again
but no-one can be sure as what may happen.
There could be heavy rainfall going down my drain.
In the meantime I will build an unique wildlife habitat den
as I wait for the rain and sunshine that will bring rainbows.
This is always welcome to see as it brightens my day.
There will be a lot of work to be done which will keep me on my toes.
My wildflowers and crocuses in my garden will make a beautiful display.
And what will make Spring perfect will be the coming of the April showers
bringing me memories of past Springs when I visited Ingram Valley.
I would walk with my school friends for hours while admiring the flowers
that filled me with glee as I watched the dancing butterflies and bees.

March will be snowy and cold,
With hurricane winds, so I'm told.
I wish I could reach
Some warm, sunny beach
And work on my tan 'til it's gold.

I'm glad I'm not a polar fox
without a hat and with no socks.
Their winters are so dark and long,
no lights, no heat, no evensong,
no dinner and no nights of party,
no mulled wine so hot and hearty