h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A well thought out and informative article. Bisexual people are attracted primerilly to the individual rather than to the gender, and I have known of cases where heretofore 'straight' couples have introduced a bisexual man or woman into the relationship with great results for everyone.

On the flip side, I have also known cases where introducing a bisexual partner into a previously 'straight' couple relationship causes the couple to break up, possibly with one half choosing to remain with the new introduction. It just goes to show that there are no guarantees...

Excellant article. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for posting it.

You're very welcome, sanguinemoon.

i have a question, or rather hmmm... need advice. I do not wish to offend anyone at all in this, so dont take it personally pleaazz. In my past two relationships, which both were for about two years. Both my girlfriends were bisexual. At first i diddnt have a problem with this, but my first ended up cheating on me with a girl, and the next i just never got over the thought that i had to watch my back with both sexes, kinda like twice the compitition. I have always felt a bit uneasy getting into those types of relationships, and yet now i am interested in this one girl and she has turned up to be bisexual as well, what would be your best advice for this? Is it just me, how do i overcome this insecurity?

Well, morbidmadness, I have a guy friend with a similar history to you -only he wasn't cheated on by either of his two previous bisexual girlfriends. And oddly enough, he has no worries about being cheated on. Hmm. Well, I'll first say to you what I said to him recently, that there may be a reason why you're attracted to bisexual women. Maybe you have something special to offer them or vice versa.

Your questions about cheating would be the same regardless of your sexual orientation or theirs, though. You may imagine that your burden of fear is worse since your partner is/was bisexual, but I doubt that's really true. I've seen people with straight partners who seemed just about certain that they'll be fooled around on - and for no reason!

People with jealous worries often have them entirely out of proportion to what makes sense logically, because it's really more about themselves and their emotional baggage than the current situation. You might, for instance, find yourself still worried about a straight girlfriend. Or you might find you're not, but then later admit to yourself that you falsely pinned the fooling around business on your past girl's sexuality when there were much deeper reasons for it.

Here are some things you might consider doing:

1) Share your concern with this new girl as soon as you've reached the point where you can talk about that sort of thing. She can't reassure you if she doesn't know it's an issue.

2) Try to make peace with the past. This may be a matter of deep contemplation and/or meditation. It might mean seeking assistance from a counselor, priest, or psychologist. Or it might mean that you'll want visit the girl who started this all to confront and/or forgive her. You may have already put the past to rest, in which case kudos go to you.

3) Bolster your sense of self confidence as much as you can. Coming here and educating yourself about the facts regarding bisexuality may help you push past any irrational fears. It's a start. But it will also help to have a realistic self image. You may currently worry that you're the sort of person someone would fool around on. Based on your gentle tone and earnest concern, I seriously doubt this is the case. If there's anyone you feel comfortable talking to about how you're perceived from the outside, this would be a good time to approach them.

4) Don't feed your fears. It might momentarily make you feel better to check up on this new girl by calling her, making sure she's where you expected her to be, posing questions to her that will reassure you without telling her the reason for it, and so forth. Doing these things will make it worse in the long run, though. At its worst, jealousy can cause a potentially good mate to become a stalker. Nobody wants that.

5) Try to relax and keep it in perspective. Your fears will tend to ebb naturally over time, as long as you don't dwell on the past. For instance, reaching a third year anniversary with someone will likely help assure you that you can put your concerns behind you. I'm sure you'll reach that point eventually. And when you do, you'll be happier looking back on three years that you've enjoyed - rather than three years of constant worrying that prevented you from enjoying yourself. Try to take a longer view of things, and remember that on a very practical level, our beliefs are often self-reinforcing. So make an optimistic prediction, and see if that doesn't help shape things up.

I hope these ideas will help a little. In any case, good luck with this new gal you're interested in. And may your third year anniversary be very special indeed.

Sorry, just feel the need to ask...

I am the only person (male) in the world who's sexuality varies according to their level of self-esteem?

Cos mine does, and it's kinda weird. I'm up for straight sex when feeling important, and fancy men (in a more passive way...) when run-down, low, lacking in self-confidence or depressed.

Just wondrin', That's all

Best Wishes

Sir Miles

I haven't specifically been told about a preference trigger like yours, Miles. But I'm sure you're not the only one. There are just too many people out there for you to be unique in that regards.

Oh well- thanks anyway Fragilis. The message is probably worth being up there anyway in case someone else in my situation stumbles upon it. Hey- I may even get a positive reply!! :D

To be honest, although I'm sure I do have some sort of preference trigger, I don't entirely know what it is.

Still, there's no rush to find out, is there?

Thanks for replying, and Best Wishes

S.M.o.T

Sir Miles probably gives in to same-sex attraction when his self-esteem is at a low ebb because he is conditioned to associate same-sex activity with failure and unmanliness. Whereas, every opposite-sex encounter is approved of by society and bolsters his self=esteem internally.

Mystic Martin writes: "Bisexual people are attracted primerilly to the individual rather than to the gender"

I am Bisexual, a Kinsey 3, and I am strongly attracted to and by gender. The things I will find a turn-on in a man will not usually find equivalence in what I find attractive in a woman.

I hope that someone can help me... i was dating a man for a yr. Who initially started out as my friend.. my gay friend. He had dated women before as well...but at his point in his life considered himself strictly gay. We began dating and then he called himself bi. We split a week ago...with him saying he just wasnt happy anymore. Then days later he says he doesnt want a relationship with a woman...and is actively persuing men again and callin himself gay. He and I went out as "friends" the other night and ended up in bed. Can someone please...give me some insight. Im very confused... just at the wishy washy behavior...the on and off switch...Thank you in advance for ur views...suggestions...and advice

umm i guess u should know... i am a woman...29 yrs old...he is 25...if that helps

It sounds like you have a very confused person on your hands, one who switches his orientation label around on a semi-regular basis.

I was briefly interested in a similarly perplexing woman in college. After dumping a guy, she would switch her label to bisexual and find a girlfriend. Then after a few months, she would dump her girlfriend. Sure enough, she would switch her orientation back to straight and look for another guy. This pattern went on year after year, often with folks she'd just met. And she left behind a wake of hurt and confused people. I was very glad I learned all this before I'd gotten involved with her.

Until she worked out her issues regarding orientation, she was doomed to make false promises to people she cared most about. Many of the people she dumped genuinely believed they might stay together forever, when the chances were likely slim to none. They were basing their beliefs on things she had said, wishful thinking on her part that allowed her to ignore her festering confusion when she felt happiest.

Studies have shown that actual sexual behavior can change, but it takes years or more likely decades to transition behavior from one orientation to the nearest one. But of course, a label is just a word and can be switched as many times in a day as you want to switch it. While I generally counsel people to respect the labels others use, I find it impossible to do so when people contract themselves regularly.

Sometimes people routinely switch labels as a way of indicating which gender they're interested in forming a relationship with next. I can only assume they don't realize how much this hurts their former partners. Other people switch labels regularly because the label that best describes their behavior is one they're uncomfortable with. So their stated label may vary depending on how much self-loathing they're experiencing at the moment. And other people do it because they're simply confused and can't figure out for themselves who they are.

I'm afraid my recommendation would be to stay away from this person until he's able to choose one label and stick with it. It would take months or perhaps years for him to prove to me that he truly regrets the damage he's caused others and has sorted out all his internal issues. His behavior with you, especially after formally ending your relationship, indicates that he has serious problems you can't solve.

All you can do is protect yourself from further harm. Please, please do.