h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gooday.

Today's front page shows that Sergei Prokofiev is on the five most neglected and that Fluctuat nec mergitur is on the five busiest. Sergei has sixteen posts at last count, Fluctuat twenty. This is blatantly unfair. I have no vested interest in Prokofiev, in fact his music leaves me largely untouched. But the distortion and manipulation evident in the 'charts' must stop and Sergei has to be afforded the status and dignity to which he is entitled even if measured only by numbers of postings.

Yours indignantly,

Walter.

Hello there Walter

The 'most neglected' and 'five busiest' update every 24 hours or so, they don't continually update. So no doubt you'll see the balance change over the next day or so...

Hi Peta,

I figured that out. But what are the criteria? Is it the number of posts, or the number of times 'visitors' hit the forum, or what? I haven't checked this, but there must be dozens/hundreds/thousands(?) of chatlines with fewer than a dozen postings - indeed many never seem to get beyond the original posting, yet Sergei rates 'ahead' of these.

Walter.

Well said walter!!!!! bravo! you seam to of got peta on the back foot - can't answer that for you can he/she!!!!! keep up the good work!

Gooday High Priest of Glendor,

Thanks for the support. But I fear it has nothing to do with Peta being on the back foot. I think she is simply ignoring me. My experience is the powers that be always ignore the likes of me, which has been the cause of many of my shall we say more delinquent moments, but that is another matter altogether. If you have time, come over and join us on the Sergei Prokovief page - we need all the support that we can get. Take care,

Walter.

Clearly the program that calculates the "Most neglected" is not performing according to spec.
I suggest you "open source" it so we can work out what is wrong with it...I think the line "SELECT RND() FROM POSTS WHERE AUTHOR=Joanna Princess" is suspsect myself .

Walter, if you had any idea how many people there on this site and how many in-house staff there are, you'd realise that it's nothing to do with Peta ignoring you. It's you simply getting lost in the noise, which is what the Gurus are there for. They help to answer questions, and if they don't know the answer, they come to us, we tell them the answer, and they come back to the forum to illuminate you.

We haven't been asked to answer this question, which indicates that you're being ignored by the Gurus, a group of your fellow Researchers. That's a whole different story, and it's unfair to blame Peta, one half of a two-person team, for your lack of progress in unfathoming the 'neglected' algorithm. Whinge at the Gurus at http://www.h2g2.com/Gurus instead.

As for the answer, I don't know off the top of my head, but it does incorporate a random element. I would disturb the technical team, but they're busy working on a new release of the site, and we only have time to reply to polite enquiries.

Which this one wasn't, especially as it contained the demand 'this must stop'. Who says?

Hello Mark,

Gee, do you always deal with enquiries so graciously? At least it has reinforced my faith in the nature of the powers that be. Peta responded to my original post, hence my follow-up was directed to her. But look, I'll just slip back into the madding crowd and once more disappear into the noise.

Walter.

all of you,
well i'm glad we got all that cleared up - i thought we might have a fight on our hands. i must say that with all my confrontations with the staff of h2g2 have ended as nicely as this one but i will still side with the consumer (walter) coz i'm that kinda guy. i would also like to say that you should all let glendor into your life coz she can help sort out your problems, as indeed can i as i have set up my problem solving organization and i am ready to help. (god, i do go on a bit, don't i!!) ...would i like to say anything else?... oh yes, if you wan't to learn about old military tactics (and siege weapons etc.) look on my article! (which i'd like to point out was submitted ages ago and i still haven't had a reply!) well that's all from me, now i too must slip, once again, into the noise.

Fair enough. See you next time, as long as it's polite.

(BTW, that was me being pretty mild. You should see me when I'm really angry... )

ATTENTION: Mr Mark Moxon.

HA! HA! LULLED INTO A SENSE OF FALSE SECURITY!!!!! WELL, HEAR THIS.

THIS IS A SERIOUS DEMAND. UNLESS YOU GUARANTEE THAT SERGEI WILL NEVER AGAIN APPEAR ON THE MOST NEGLECTED LIST, ONE OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING THINGS WILL HAPPEN


YOU WILL GET WINTER WEATHER.

I WILL START POSTING BAD JOKES (ENGLISH POLITICS, ENGLISH CRICKET, ENGLISH FOOTBALL ETC).

STARLINGS WILL NEST IN YOUR EAVES.

YOU WILL EXPERIENCE EXCESSIVE FLATULENCE, UPPER AND LOWER.

THAT IS STAGE ONE. THE SECOND AND FINAL STAGE IS THAT I WILL BE POLITE TO THE H2G2 EDITOR: THIS SHOULD AT LAST MAKE YOU REALISE HOW DESPERATE YOU HAVE FORCED US TO BECOME IN OUR QUEST FOR JUSTICE.

THERE WILL BE NO COMPROMISE. OUR LEGITIMATE AND JUST DEMAND MUST BE MET WITHOUT DELAY. LOOK IN VAIN FOR THE SMILEY - THIS IS SERIOUS.


WALTER OF COLNE

Tell you what... I'll ask Jim what the algorithm for the Neglected list is, and whether it contains the line:

if $name eq 'Sergei Prokofiev' then $neglect=TRUE;

If it helps, we're renaming it 5 Most Overlooked in a couple of weeks...

Oh, and I already have upper and lower flatulence. Or so I'm told.

Congratulatons!

Mr Mark Moxon,

Thanks for the response. Since I am unsure what an algorithm is, let alone what that 'line' is or means, I will have to await developments. Sergei Prokofiev fled to the US of A from revolutionary Russia; you have been forced to seek refuge there for a few days from Matt K. See how much you and Sergei have in common? Come on, open up your heart (provided it too is not emitting flatulence), just take him off.

Walter.

We're looking into Sergei's case. There's a chance he may be released from exile.

I share an office with Mark, and can confirm the flatulance bit.

The line

if $name eq 'Sergei Prokofiev' then $neglect=TRUE;

means quite simply that if the entry's name is "Sergei Prokofiev" then set a thingy which makes it neglected.

And I doubt that would be right, haven't the scripts been written in C++ since Ripley 1.0? That looked like Perl to me, Mark.

if(name=="Sergei Prokofiev")
neglect=true;

Gooday Peta,

It is a while since we last chatted and I think I was more or less in trouble then, too!! But thank you for the encouraging words, although the PROKOFIEV'S PLIGHT CAMPAIGN ACTION GROUP is monitoring developments closely and if you think Mr Mark Moxon is damaging the ozone layer now wait until the MASTER OF CHAOS has got to work. Also, I may as well give you advance warning Peta, because I think I like you even though you treat me cruel, but don't tell the jetsetting Mr Mark Moxon: another one of our instruments of persuasion is - NIGHTLY REPEATS OF 'MEN BEHAVING BADLY DOWN UNDER' FOLLOWED BY REPEATS OF THE OLYMPICS CLOSING CEREMONY. Please don't make me resort to these measures.

Here, please accept this token of my regard for you: a sprig of Jasmine, fresh from my garden (and I am not the sort of bloke who goes around handing out floral tokens willy-nilly).

MaW, thanks for dropping by, but algorithms are and I suspect always will be a mystery to me. It is, however, re-assuring that people such as yourself are at hand to help make sense of it all, and to hopefully help bring about a just resolution to our legitimate struggle for a fair go for Prokofiev.

Walter.

look, no disrespect walter but mark moxon ain't all that bad, i've spoken to him before and he was always nice to me. maybe you rubbed each other up the wrong way but lets not start issueing punishment like those horrible things you said which for the sake of humanity i can't repeat.
so keep cool, both of you.
THIS IS A WARNING - ICAN GET NASTY

Gooday your Exalted Priestness,

Ha! You think that those were horrible?! You ain't seen nothing. Look, I'm sick, I know that I need help, but let me give you just a little hint of what could be trotted out as part of our campaign if the transatlantic traveller Mr Mark Moxon does not soon agree to our terms. How about HOURLY readings of Clive James' autobiographical stuff, to be followed by Germaine Greer reminiscing on what it was like to be Australian and a friend of Clive James in the sixties and seventies? (Phew, I've come out in a cold sweat just writing that). I am impervious to your threats - a two hour special of ROLF HARRIS to you!!! Interfere further at you peril. (Walter chuckles malignly, thinks that has defrocked that priest for a while).

You haven't seen anything yet, Mr of Colne. I am the Muse of Evilness, and as such have to encourage this kind of thing. It's in the contract somewhere I think.

Wait until I get the twenty-four hour Terry Wogan special set up, with special guest appearances by Janet Street Porter and Dame Edna Everage, introduced by... Dale Winton!

* almost screams at the thought *