h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Will I be buried in the rubble? Will anyone bother to dig me out? Will the St. Bernards carry in their barrels?

Or will I drown before I choke to death?

I'm used to the rain getting blown in through the front windows and the door. I've learnt to cope with the water running down the chimney into the bedroom fireplace. I'm an expert at changing towels and removing objects from the firing line (though I've never seen it bounce quite so far before ).

What I can't deal with is it going all the way down to the bottom and through the Rayburn flue, flowing out onto the top of the Rayburn, trickling down the sides and front and forming big sooty puddles on the kitchen floor.

Wet coal smells even worse than when it's dry .

It's my own fault. I should never have tempted Fate by planting those clematis on Sunday. The wind has sounded like aeroplanes ever since .

It's not that I don't enjoy watching the rain and the seagulls being blown past (the seagulls really should have rung warning bells shouldn't they?) but if I hard enough do you think she'll turn off the tap for a while?

Roll on Friday and that North wind, I say.

Then comes eh?

And what will poor Robin do then, poor thing?

He'll tap on the kitchen window shouting "Oy, where's me grub then?"