h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

God. Hmmm. That's a tough one.
I once believed in Father Christmas. I think. I probably imagined him as a big fat jolly man clad in red with a big white beard who repeatedly and annually broke his way into my bedroom and defiled my socks with a clutter of worthless and boring junk, usually more socks and or a tangerine, if I was lucky. I soon discovered that he did not in fact exist partly by my dad coming in at 2 AM, smashing his toe on the foot of the bed and screaming "Oh f*ck! What the f*cking f*ck was that f*cking thing f*cking doing there! Oh f*ck!!", and partly by using my BRAIN!!
The mere concept, I realised was absurd. A man managing to circulate the entire span of the world in one night on one sled with 4 reindeer who, for some undetermined reason were endowed with the supernatural ability to fly. After I came to realise that he did not exist, I came to theorise thus. The story went, if I was good, Father Christmas would bring me presents and reward me. If I was bad, I would receive a lump of coal shoved into one of my socks.
This is a miniaturised version of God.
Bear with me.
The two are obviously magical and can both do things that seem out of the ordinary i.e fly/create world/strike with lightning bolt/fit down chimney. No, really, think about it. Both encourage you to conform to a set of rules laid down by your parents/religion and you will thus be rewarded with presents/paradise or coal/eternal fiery damnation. The religious equivalent is far more extreme, I know, but you get the gist.
I hope.
And none of you believe in Father Christmas, do you? Why not? It seems to me far more likely than the concept of God. You say that although you cannot see, taste, hear, smell, know of, or communicate with God, you can "feel" his presence. Honest!
Well, let me tell you, after watching a scary film and slinking off to bed, it is very easy for me to imagine I can feel unseen hands creeping about my throat to crush the life from my silently strangling body AAAH!!!!!!
Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. Sorry. I scared myself SHITLESS there.
Phew.
Anyway, the point is...i forget.
Anyway, I hate you all. I'm off to find some cream.

FIN

So much for your inane and irrational theory, birdbrain. Santa Claus does not "circulate the entire span of the world in one night" (what rotten grammar). We orthodox believers are celebrating Christmas this week, so there's a few millions out of the 'one night' equation. Plus one night is actually two nights, on account of the northern and southern hemispheres, although for Santa they are joined together so that it seems like one night only a lot longer than usual, but time to get the job done, although that wouldn't occur to a dickwitted pseudo smart-arse like you. That tangerine in your sock must have been spiked with dizzy dust, probably by your father if he had any sense of compassion for the rest of the human race - pity he used an insufficient dose.

Walter.