h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hiya Micheal,

How are the history exams going? Have they finished yet? Hope you did well.

You've had me rummaging again. I was looking for something about cicada lungs because I was under the impression that insects didn't have lungs. I couldn't find anything that detailed though. I had the impression that one of the reasons insects could never get really big (like the "insects" in Starship Troopers for example) is something to do with the way they breath through little spiracles connecting to tiny trachea tubes along their bodies. It's a system that, apparently couldn't work in a large body. I guess it must be skin from inside their tracheae - which is the closest thing to a lung that an insect has. Hmmm, interesting. It might feel like a really bad case of bronchitis, having the insides of your breathing tubes ripped out with your old shed skin.

Living in England as I do, where we have only one species of cicada (which don't live anywhere near me), I've never had access to a shed cicada skin. Wumbeevil said they found one with bright blue eyes in a box of bananas once. He lives in Scotland where there are no cicadas at all - apart from the involuntary immigrant variety.

That student who was convinced that WWII never happened must have been pulling your leg, mustn't they? Are those students who don't know about WWII, the bombing of Japan and BC and AD, university students? If so, good grief! Don't they get much history before leaving high school? I'm not sure if it's still the case here but I think if someone wanted to go straight from school to university, they would have had to pass an exam, usually at 'A' level (the 'A' stands for advanced) in their chosen subject plus one, two or even three others. They're not usually so strict in their entrance requirements for mature students but an 18 year old wanting to study history at university would normally be expected to have something like an 'A' level in history. Things might have changed now. I think young students still have to have 'A' levels or something equivalent but maybe it doesn't have to be related to the subject they want to study at uni. Education's become more open to just about anyone who wants it - as long as they can afford it or don't mind running up some large debts. It's a step in the right direction but the huge debts that might be waiting at the end of the course worry a lot of people. I sympathise with them.

Speak to you later.
Sal

Hey Sal! Whats happening? Cicadas have lungs in their legs! So they don't have a true respiratory system, at least not like ours. Its one reason there is not too much insect live at high altitudes: example, no fleas higher than 12,000 feet. Not enough air pressure to force the oxygen into their lungs. My understanding is that most "insects" carry their lungs in their legs, at least most of the "locust" family to which the cicada belongs. Iv'e been told thats why their blood is not red: they don't need the iron to bind with oxygen. Air pressure alone forces oxygen into their blood. (the same is true with many fish only in a vice versa way but anyone can see their gills are red). Cicadas with BLUE eyes!?! I would have loved to have seen that. Iv'e seen green, red, gold, and brownish, but never blue! SIGH, I still have 40 exams to go. Found out this week Mom has cancer. Not bad, but has to have surgery next friday. Needless to say, the exams have been put on the back burner. The rest of my family is in town for support so I should be able to focus on those exams and finish them before Mom has surgery. Some students here are dumb as a box of rocks. The student who didn't know about WWII also thought the Tienannmen Square Massacre was filmed in Hollywood by the CIA to make Americans hate "them damn commies". Its truely amazing just how uninformed some of my students are. Another had no idea what "B.C. and A.D." meant. (of course, in our new politically correct world its "B.C.E and C.E.) Yet another student thought ALL the catholics in Ireland lived in the North and that all citizens of the Irish Republic were Church of England. Still another student thought Churchill and Roosevelt were Vice president and President of the USA doring WW II. I asked the class to name ANY Prime Misister of Japan and got Margaret Thatcher as the only answer. No one else even answered the question. Groan!! Imagine grading 100 exams with answers like this (of course some of the students are quite good). These loony answers make me laugh and provide a good comic relief when grading. Gotta run now Sal! Will talk again soon MM

Hiya Micheal. I don't know what's happening. I've often wondered that myself. If you ever find out, be sure to let me know.

Very sorry to hear about your mom and hope, as you say, it's not too serious. Serious or not, it's a big worry for you and the rest of your family. I hope the surgery goes smoothly and she recovers quickly.

I was under the impression you were a history student but I see now I was mistaken. I thought you were joking about having to do hundreds of exams but it's filtered through to me at last that you were serious and you're not doing the exams but marking the papers. My sympathy for you has increased accordingly. Still, there's entertainment to be had as well. Where on earth do the students come across all that mis-information? I expect they're out partying when they should be studying and perhaps they watch those paranoia inducing programs like the X Files and then just let their imaginations run riot.

There are others round here up to their elbows in history. Bran the Traveller and Walter of Colne are teaching and studying at Tasmania Uni. Bran's doing a thesis (his tome) and teaching. He's just been doing a weekend course with a bunch of student on the Vikings and Walter's finishing off his last essay of the year on Elizabeth I. They seem to be really enjoying it.

You've had me at it yet again. I've put another footnote in my article. To save you going and looking at the article, this is what I've said "Cicadas are not locusts and are not closely related to them. Cicadas belong to the order Hemiptera whereas locusts belong to the order Orthoptera. Cicadas are often confused with locusts because of their habit of erupting from the earth in huge numbers like a swarm or plague of locust. Locusts are in fact members of the grasshopper family." I'm not really well up on locusts and their breathing arrangements but one of the big differences between members of the grasshopper family and cicadas is that grasshoppers have great big back legs for hopping and cicadas don't. I had debated with myself whether to put that footnote in some time ago but it would have to go in a quote and I wondered whether I should put a footnote in a quote. When you said about the locust I thought I'd better just do it because the article obviously needed it.

Iron isn't used by all animals to carry oxygen round their bodies. Some animals, like spiders, octopuses and snails have blue blood which carries haemocyanin instead of haemoglobin. Haemocyanin employs copper atoms instead of iron atoms to carry the oxygen. I wonder if our royal family has that sort of blood. It's supposed to be blue after all.

The cicadas do have a stunning range of eye colours, don't they? All they need to set them off for a Walt Disney movie, is long black eye lashes.

Speak to you later.
Sal

God Bless You Sal for getting that information about the cicada/locust family. For years I have been banging away the fact that cicadas are NOT locust. Never found the time to so the reasearch you clearly have. Most of my data is from direct observation with some hard facts and some folklore (ie: folklore, cicadas having no mouths). Sometimes I wish I had gone into entomology instead of history. I just love to watch bugs and their behaviour. Like my pet spiders Oscar and Gomez. True arachnids but do not use their webs to trap their prey. They stalk their prey and "jump" upon them. Thus the common name: jumping spiders. They do use their spinnets and spin silk but use the threads kind of like rappellers. They have very good sight (should have: six eyes I think) and are very responsive upon approach. They came to recognize me and knew I was no threat to them. They would climb up and down my window screen looking for flys trying to get outside. Sometimes I would guide them to their dinner. They would drop by a spun thread close to their prey then jump on it and administer the deadly, paralising bite. Like cicadas, they shed thier skins, but they are born adults so they didn't change form, they just got bigger. Largest I ever saw was about 4 centimeters leg to leg. Males do not get along well, very territorial. I used to have hundreds of plants and the spiders made them their home and rarely strayed. My cat even learned to live with them. Eventually however they either left home or died of ald age. I actually miss them. Where I live now there are not enough windows to support many plants and thus not as much bug life. I live in a high-rise condo. Yeah, I teach history. My speciality is US Foreign Relations with an emphasis on the Eastern World. Haven't even begun work on my PhD so am relegated to freshman level classes. I have to learn one of the eastern languages in order to do my PhD. I am not too excited about learning Russian/Chinese/Japanese/Hindi/Peshtu/etc. Probably it would be Russian (it can be construed as eastern) but what I know of Japanese I like. (domo, eagoto godi mus ???) I'm sure Mom will be fine, thanks for your good thoughts . And YES! I did finish those exams! However, in a few weeks I'll have to do it all again. Universities love to give MAs the large freshman classes. We are underpaid and overworked. I might have to go to multiple-choice exams but I don't think they are effective at measuring how much information the students have retained: but a HELL of a lot easier to grade. Gotta run now Sal. Keep ckecking those facts, I love every one and don't want to be spreading incorrect data about my bug friends. Next installment will be about my pet SALAMANDER! No joke! It is a most unusual story with a sad (for me) ending. MM

Hi Micheal. Isn't it annoying how we have, usually, considerably fewer than 100 years to fit everything in, have to decide how we're going to spend the rest of our lives at an age when we're really too young to know enough to base the decision on, then spend the rest of our lives thinking perhaps we should have done something else? I think I might have enjoyed being an entomologist if it had occurred to me sooner, too. Ah well, never mind. It can still be a bit of a hobby, can't it?

When you mentioned Oscar and Gomez before, I had visualised them as very small spiders. There was a tiny little jumping spider (I call him a jumping spider because he jumped, not because I know what actual type of spider he was) in my bathroom a few months ago - in the bath, of course. I had to make several attempts to pick him out because he kept jumping away from my hand. I eventually got him on a bit of cloth by placing it in front of him and moving my hand behind him so he jumped onto it. I put him on the carpet and he didn't move so I sort of chased him, hopping across the carpet with my hand, so that I wouldn't accidentally tread on him. Next time I looked, there he was in the middle of the floor again. Several times I chased him to the edge of the room only to find him in the middle of the floor. Then, a few days after the rescue from the bath, the lady who cleans my house came so I told the little tyke to stay out of the way or he'd end up in the vacuum cleaner. I never saw him again. Very sad!

Your Oscar and Gomez were quite big then. Didn't your cat try to kill them? I have to protect the spiders in my house from my dogs. They have to pounce on anything small that moves. I always think of cats and spiders as having similar sorts of nature - very efficient hunters and merciless killers, but basically cute.

It seems you, Walter and Bran have something in common then. You're tutors of history whilst still studying the subject. If your question in Japanese was something along the lines of "do you speak Japanese?" then the answer is no. I only speak English. I lived in Spain for about a year and only learned enough of the language to get by. I've forgotten most of that now and doubt I could successfully string a sentence together. If you have no enthusiasm for languages, it'll be hard work for you to learn. In that case, here, have another generous dollop of sympathy .

Maybe the uni gives you MAs the big freshman classes and burdens you with all that exam marking to drive you to get your PhD finished - the use of the stick without recourse to the carrot. Very crafty of them. I can see the attraction of multi-choice exams from the point of view of the poor so-and-so who would otherwise have to mark them (isn't the marking computerised?), but in my experience, it's difficult to fail with multi-choice. I once took a multi-choice paper on a programming language I'd never studied and passed with a mark of about 80%. That's just ridiculous.

Can't wait to hear about your pet salamander!

Speak to you later.
Sal

Hey Micheal, you've disappeared. Hope you're ok! Hope your mother is well! Hope you're just off on a lovely long holiday and everything is just fine!!!

Gosh, pretty hefty posts

Lots of people are interested in bugs. Who'd've thought? Well scouted, that Scout!

*modest bow*

Sal, sorry to have been gone for so long. Mom came down with a sudden very serious illness (ovarian cancer). She has surgery 27 October and is now under going chemo therapy. The doctors give her 80% chance of total recovery, but she cannot be left alone very long yet. Yes indeed you had a "jumping spider" in your house. It fits every discription. You won't be able to get rid of it; its made your home its home. Jumping spiders are very territorial. My cat never bothered Boris or Gomez because my cat, Haiku, had been born on a farm and was used to critters all over the place. Your "little" spider may turn-uo again; he may have hidden to shed his skin. Nonetheless, where there is one there will probably be more. I found one in my car the other day and tried to get him out (its been very cold here) into someplace warm, but I think he plans to spend the winter asleep somewhere in my car. Thanks for your input about multiple choice questions: I hate them because they are not good at testing whether the students have really learned anything. I promise to tell you about my pet Salamander next time; and it will be soon. Its been so long since I checked my home page, I may have been "boosted". I noticed all my conversations have been labelled "unsubscribe". I have no intention of unsubscribing: h2h2 will have seize my computer to remove me! I am not leaving this universe. Hey, I promise a Salamander story soon. His favorite food was cockroaches or waterbugs. Hmmm...Makes me think.....I want to find the entomological name for jumping spiders. I know thats what you saw. Unfortunately, dogs will eat them. My other cat (Tigger--yeah, like THE Tigger) just tossed Boris and Gomez around but never hurt them. Amy says "hello". Word of honour: you will hear from me soon! I don't have to hold elections to decide to log on to h2g2. MM

Your poor mom, Micheal. I wish her a rapid and complete recovery!

I don't want to get rid of the jumping spider. Never seen one before and I haven't seen it again since the lady came to clean. I suspect that she vacuumed it up. If it reappears I'll be delighted and relieved and I'll give it a name so it feels part of the family.

That multi-choice paper I told you about: most of the answers could be worked out using logic if you knew more general stuff about computers and computer languages. It just seemed daft that a person who hadn't studied the specific subject of the exam, could pass with such a high mark.

Don't worry about those "unsubscribe" invitations on all your conversations. We all have them since the last h2g2 upgrade. They're not trying to tell you anything. It's just that before the unsubscribe option was added, you had to subscribe to any conversation you ever contributed to, forever - even if you were no longer interested in it. Now, if you click on the unsubscribe option under the conversation listing, it disappears from your page.

Speaking as a vegetarian, this Salamander doesn't view cockroaches as food items but I imagine they'd be rather like prawns (not that I've eaten a prawn for over 23 years) only faster. They move like lightening so I guess your Salamander could too. Or did it just stand still, blend in and wait? I look forward to your Salamander story with anticipation.

When did Amy say "hello"? Do you have Amy with you? Honestly, she does get around, love her little antennae.

Bye for now.
Sal

I'm only with my subterranean friend in spirit. I reality we're thousands of miles apart. But we do ICQ. Do u icq 2, Sal?

Here it comes! Are you ready? Ta Da! Long story; goes back almost 30 years. September of 1972 was my sophomore year in high school (grade II). I had illegally obtained an early class release so I could leave classes at 1:30 (I was supposed to be at work--thus the illegal nature of the early release). The summer of 1972 had been extraordinarily dry: dust hung in the air. I had gotten out of class early, as per my "work" release, and was lounging on the grass by school waiting for my mates to get out of class. I was probably stoned. I noticed movement in nearby bushes and went to inspect. Lo and behold there was a tiger striped salamander (green with orange/yellow stripes) crawling through the dust. Lizards and skinks are rare in this riverside town but not unheard of: but salamanders! Never. I had always thought salamanders had to keep their skins moist so I was amazed to find one rolling in the dust several miles from the river. I was certain it had few hours of life left in the dry hot sun of this particuliar September afternoon. So I grabbed him (he wasn't moving all that fast--another reason to worry) and stuck him in my paper lunch bag intending to get him home and into some water. This part is difficult to explain. My folks' home was a large old house: built in 1914 with 5 bedrooms (I have 6 brothers and sisters). It had an odd style of air-conditioning: there was a fixed floor unit on the second floor for the master bedroom. To cool the compressor there was a constant flow of water which drianed into a large basin in the basement. The flow of water was constant, running whether the actual air conditioner was on or not. Only as winter set in was the water turned off (what a waste of water). A very narrow tube (5 mm) carried the water from the second floor to the basin. The water was about room temperature. Well, into this basin I dropped the salamander (poor guy never had a name). He relished the water. It was facinating to see him dunk under the flow and then moisten his eyes by licking them. The energy flowed through him and he became very active; I knew I had saved his life. Now the problem was food. Big old houses tend to have roaches, there is simply no way to get rid of ALL of them especially when you have 9 people dropping bits of food all over. So all I had to do was capture some roaches and toss them into the basin and wait for the action. ZAP! Like a bolt of lightening Sal's (if I may call him) tongue shot out and nabbed the roaches. Sal was probably 6 inches long; his tongue was probably 12 inches. He NEVER missed his target. Three days went by and Sal was eating and thriving but I knew that soon the water flow would be terminated since winter had to come sometime. I purchased a 2nd hand terrarium and planned to make a home for Sal there. Food during the winter would be no problem; pet stores sell "mealy" worms for just such pets. Everything was set: terrarium with "landscape" (sand, dirt, rocks), a supply of chlorine free water, and mealy worms. I went downstairs to get Sal and introduce him to his winter quarters. Mind you, if I had known where and how to place him in his natural habitat I would have done so. But to my everlasting horror, as I reached into the basin to get Sal he wriggled his way down the drain! I was thunder struck. There was absolutely nothing I could do; tear the pipes out for a salamander? My parents would have slain me. It is a two-fold mystery. How did Sal get to be under a bush rolling in the dust?, and did he survive his trip down the drain pipe? Two questions for which I'll never have answers. It was the only salamander I have ever seen in this area (Nebraska along the Missouri River). Like I said, I have seen many blue-tailed skinks, garter snakes, bull and rat snakes and other odd animals (opossoms, moles, racoons, kangaroo rats [TRUE], even a 9 banded armadillo) but I have seen only one salamander. And this poor fellow went down the drain. I suppose I should have been on guard since I had noticed him examining the drain, but I never thought he could squeeze past the screen. He did . That is the long story of my brief experience with my pet salamander. I often wonder if he found a happy life in the sewer. I have heard of living things comming up the sewer, but no stories of things going down (unless you count those horrid people who flush their unwanted fish down the toilet). I wish the story had a happier ending. My only consolation is that Sal REALLY WANTED to go down the drain. He got his wish. Mom is much better. Her hair is falling out, but she is not vain so not upset. And the only time she gets confused is when she sleeps and has very strange dreams. Her next chemo treatment is 4 December. We are told that each succeeding treatment is less sever than the previous. Hope this holds true. I confess Sal that I am a greedy meat eater. I prefer omnivour to carnivour. But I respect vegitarians; hell I almost married one. My unrequited love ate no meat or any foods made from animal products; no eggs, milk, cheese, no butter, no fish. I was becomming almost a vegitarian myself (we loved to cook) when fate/destiny stepped in and sent her on her own path. We probably would still be friends but I didn't see the break-up comming and freaked-out. I played the guilt fiddle and tried to make her feel like s**t. Ended up making her hate me. Ah, the follies of youth. But I love red meat. I do try to get organic meat, but its not always possible. I am certain that if I had to do the killing and butchering I would probably stop eating meat. So far it hasn't affect my health. My blood fats are fine (hdl/ldl) and so is my blood pressure (I LOVE salt too). My favorite past-time (and food) is to cook the meat over live coals after a good soaking in teriyaki sauce. The key, however, in NOT to eat any until it is cooked to your (not YOU obviously) liking and to be sure that you wash down the first bite with your first sip of Guinness Stout. No drinking allowed until dinner is ready. I have cooked many meals very late at night (or early morning) and during all kinds of weather. One January morning (about 1:00 am) the fire department showed-up. Someone thought the house was on fire. But this is the way I have spotted many of the unusual life forms I have. While the fire is getting ready I sit and (sometimes) smoke a fine cigar and sip a light beer. If I sit quietly long enough the night critters forget about me and come out. The whole thing, the fire, the food, the cigar and Stout while I "observe" has become a kind of ceremony for me. I think of it as my form of tea ceremony. I have had friends over for this ceremony and they tell me I do indeed treat the whole thing like a ritual. It is VERY relaxing. I have done this for so long that the night critters have accepted me and are not disturbed by my presence (except for a new neighbor who called the fire department). Wow, I am really rambling on. All goes well here. My next hurdle with classes is 13 & 14 December: final exams and term papres to grade. Since these are the finals for the semester, grades are due 5 days after I have given the finals. I hope Mom's health continues to improve because for those 5 days I will be a true mole! Instead of digging through dirt I will be digging through paper and ink. Hmmm....What will be my next story? My brother's free-range pet bull snake?; my parents' cat whose kittens I had to midwife into life? Let me think on it. I'm sorry to hear of your jumping spider. Sadly, I agree that the poor thing was probably vacuumed-up. That does not mean he is dead. Spiders are remarkably resilient (God, I should me the Minister for Mis-spelled Words). Guess I should run. I am doing the ceremeny tonight; the first time since my Mom's illness. I need the ritual very badly. Stay in touch Sal! Its always good to hear form friends, whether via h2g2 or otherwise. Why don't you tell me a story? MM

Hi Amy and Micheal

I don't believe I do Amy. Is ICQ a real-time chat? I've had that sort of chat at CompuServe but not for a few years. These days I do my posts in bits and pieces a few minutes at a time.

That was a good story Micheal - fascinating and sad. Thank you for telling it. Weren't you naughty and wasn't your behaviour very 1972? The salamander was a real beauty judging from your description. Must've been worried to find itself in your lunch bag - then relieved to be tipped into basement air-conditioning cooler reservoir. It sounds as though he cleaned his eyes like a gecko and had a tongue as long as a chameleon's. I hope he found his way through the pipes into a clean waterway. I gather that quite a few snakes, turtles and young alligators get flushed down the toilet and make it into rivers and ponds.

I've been trying to think of a story to tell you in exchange and I think my tortoise story might be acceptable. Would you like to hear about my tortoise (now deceased)? In the meantime, I'll be happy to hear all your stories whenever you feel like telling them.

Most of my friends and family eat meat. If anyone gets slagged off, it's me - for being a vegetarian. I don't make judgements about people's diets. Still ... I'm just writing an entry on prions at the moment (the cause of mad cow disease and other similar diseases). Most of my friends do seem a little mad, but I'm not the sort of person to draw any conclusions from that.

Maybe those night critters you mentioned like the smell of your cigar.

Speak to you later.
Sal

Just time for a quick note Sal. ICQ is real time and its free. I have an older version and intend to up-date it soon. You don't have to download the WHOLE ICQ program; it has lots of superfluous and redundant stuff. I loaded the message and chat programs only. I don't need another email address. Yes, I would love to hear about your tortoise . You tell me your tortoise story then I'll tell you about my brother's pet turtoises Bowzer and Bertha. Bowzer is deceased and Bertha was returned to her natural habitat (after 10 years of human love and affection) Bowzer's death was the reason my brother returned Bertha to the wilderness. Nature in all its goodness had something poor Bowzer couldn't live without. Immediately after Bowzer's death my brother returned Bertha to the exact place he found her (the Ozarks of Missouri). Even verterinarians couldn't figure out why Bowzer died. They said he was a fine, healthy young (!) tortoise. My suspicion is that Bertha was really a man tortoise and Bowzer wasn't gay so died of loneliness. Talk to you soon Sal!

What does ICQ stand for Micheal, do you know? I have some vague recollection that if you have that sort of software on your computer, it allows unscrupulous hacker-type persons easy access.

Here's my tortoise story: When I was 4 years old I managed to nag my mother into letting my have this tortoise with a cracked shell, from the pet shop we passed each day on the way to the shops. I called him Torty (imaginative kid, huh?) We made him a little house which he went into every night. Every morning he would come down the garden and wait by the kitchen door to be fed. He had a really good appetite and ate all the usual tortoise stuff plus some less usual things. Every autumn we would try to find him to hibernate him for the winter but he always buried himself before we could find him. We never once found him before he buried himself. Every spring, Sabre, my dog would go looking for Torty and bark when he found him, to let us know. We'd give him a nice warm bath, dry him, oil him, feed him and off he'd go to start a new year. He was very affectionate and, you know how most tortoises pull in their heads and legs when you pick them up, well Torty would stretch his head out as far as he could and give you a sort of little kiss.

One year I found another tortoise lumbering along in the gutter near my house (you know tortoises aren't native to Britain, don't you?) - someone's lost pet. I took her home and she and my Torty took to each other instantly. The followed each other round - they were inseparable - and very clever. There were 2 steps down from the lawn to the path to the kitchen and a grass bank next to them. Torty had always had to come down the grass bank to get to the kitchen for his breakfast. They found a way to speed things up. One would go a little way down the grass bank then get on the step while the other waited. Then the one that had waited stepped onto the other one's back and slid onto the path below. Then the one on the step above would slide off the back of the one at the bottom. They were shallow steps but too much for a tortoise to want to jump off. It was fascinating to watch. Unfortunately, my mother had put a post card in the post office window to say we'd found a lost tortoise and a few weeks later someone claimed her back.

I had Torty till I was 18, when I left home. Sabre had recently died and we had adopted a new dog. Soon after I left, the new dog killed my Torty. I can't tell you how upset I was. I really loved the little fella!

Your turn. I want to hear all about Bowzer and Bertha.

Speak to you later.
Sal

Hi Sal! Just time for a quick message. My server is giving me trouble, probably because it is -10 degrees (F) and the winds are high and the snow is 6 to 8 inches deep. I have a two foot drift on my balcony; no ceremony tonight So sad to hear of the unhappy end of Torty; unrequited in love and a violent death. I hope it was quick. I did not know tortises were not endemic to the UK but it makes sense. Few cold-blooded critters at all as I undersand. I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri (at the northern limits of the Ozarks) and turtles (as we generically call them) were a plenty. One time my older brother (7 at the time) put a turtle in the washing machine to clean him up. Needless to say the poor turtle died. Bowser and Bertha were found by my oldest brother and his soon-to-be bride in the Ozarks. St. Louis University offers a wilderness survival course worth 9 credit hours: 3 hours for biology, 3 hours for literature (Thoreau, Emerson, Annie Dillard; and 3 hours wilderness survival. My brother taught the literature section. Brother Jamie was working on his Ph.D and his wife-to-be was working on her Masters. The course lasts for four full weeks and every night must be spent under a tent or the stars. Motel rooms were forbidden; if cought in one the student was disenrolled and sent home. Jamie's wife-to-be was a student in this course. That is when they found the turtles.(1980 I believe) It was intended to be a joke, keeping the turtles and all, but as the bond between Jamie and his love strenghtened, so grew the bond with the turtles. The turtles became a symbol of my brother's and wife-to-be's love. So when they were married they kept the turtles. They were not large turtles but they were not small either; perhaps a foot from beak to tail. Things went smoothly for over ten years. Each winter Bowser and Bertha would wedge themselves between the mattress and boxsprings (in the guest room, and, ominously, separately). Did you know that some species of turtles cannot live on a strict vegitarian diet? Yep, a diet of lettus and salids will kill them. Them get terminal diahroeah. They must have some meat; worms, grubs, roaches, etc. But that is not what killed poor Bertha. (or was it Bowser, gosh its been so long I forget.) After several years of happiness my brother and his wife noticed Bowzer was behaving strangly. From beneath his tail he would extrude a horrid, gelatinous mass and try to stuff it into Bertha. When Bertha did not respond favourable, Bowzer would retract this mass. Jmaie and his wife took the pair to a herpatologist (or some such doctor--I know, I know, herpatology is snakes). The diagnosis: Bowzer was making love to Bertha. Problem was, no one was really sure Bertha was female. Bowzers behavior continued and Bertha remained unresponsive (but not coy--she never tried to get away from Bowzer's affections). Jamie became very concerned after several months of this behavior because it looked quite painful to Bowzer and Bowzer lost a lot of fluid with each attempt to mate. Jamie's concern came a bit too late. One morning Bowzer was found dead. I came to be realized that these turtles were not city folk. Jamie and Eileen understood that to save Bertha's life she must be returned to her wilderness home (if indeed she was a "she"). So reluctantly (about 1994) Bertha was returned to the exact spot in which she was found. My brother considered "tagging" Bertha so she could be tracked but he decided against it. He felt it best not to know nature's course. Actually I believe that neither Jamie or his wife could have taken it if Bertha was tracked and found dead. So, if Bertha was able to return to her wild state after so many years of domestication she is probably still alive. Apparently Bertha's species (sorry I can't identify it for you) can live 80 to 120 years. The doctor said she was still a young lady when Jamie took her home; probably only 10 or 15 years old. Bowzer was probably 25 years old when he died. I like to think that Bertha still wonders the Ozarks and has found true love. Since then my brother has refused to remove animals from their native habitat. A funny digression: one night while teaching the Survival course my brother discovered a "seed tick" ( a very small tick--smaller than a "pip") on the head of his penis. It had not yet burrowed itself beneath the skin so Jamie was able to pluck it off without much trouble. But the word soon spread and the next day a very attractive female student, giggling, asked my brother if it was true that a tick attached itself to Jamie's penis. With a straight face and a quite serious voice Jamie replied: "Yes. It was a species of The Greater Ozark Cock-Sucking Dick Tick." I don't believe he ever set the woman straight. Ah, my brother Jamie is great with the one-line riposte and until he was married was quite famous with the ladies. Wish some of it had rubbed off onto me! Wow! This was supposed to be a brief message! Can you tell I am a teacher? I ramble on, and on, and on................Next story , Sal, will be about Jamie's pet snake which had full freedom to roam his house in Hayes, Kansas. That story has a nicer ending, but it was a terrifying experience for several white mice. 84 more exams to give this week; it is final examination week. Almost 16 students decided they couldn't take any more history (or me?) and withdrew from the classes. Makes it easier for me and its no reflection on the quality of my classes (if I can trust the class evaluations). Mom is doing better, but still needs someone with her much of the time. Its time well spent if she gets well. Talk to you soon Sal! MM

Hiya Micheal

I wonder if it was just your server causing trouble. A lot of people (including me) have reported problems getting through to h2g2 and everything has been very very slow. Things seem to have improved now. Maybe it's because the technical wizards have fixed it and maybe it's because a lot of the regulars are busy with Christmas activities so there are fewer people using up the resources here. Anyway, here's a reply while I can get through ok.

Are you still cold and under half a foot of snow? If so, I envy you. It's foggy, moderately warm and wet here. There are still flies about. There was a caterpillar on my front door a couple of days ago. A friend of mine saw a butterfly flitting about. It's very unseasonal. I'd prefer snow.

I think the British think of turtles as aquatic animals and tortoises as land animals. The truth is turtles include tortoises and terrapins. I used to have four terrapins as well when I was about 4 or 5. I didn't get to know them very well and I don't know what happened to them. My parents may have given them to someone when they got too big for the tank. People don't seem to understand how big the little cuties can grow and when they get a bit too big, some people put them in local wild ponds where they eat all the indigenous species. Just trying to be kind to the animals, out of ignorance, people do some pretty ecologically unsound things. I don't think they import tortoises into Britain anymore. The method of transportation was incredibly inhumane. They used to stack them several tortoises high in crates, like so many pork pies. More than half the poor animals died in transit. Now, if you're desperate to have a tortoise you have to get them from tortoise societies or breeders. After what happened to my lovely Torty, I'd never buy a pet. All the animals I've had since then, have been rescued.

I guess poor Bowser and Bertha underline the point about keeping wild animals as pets. We just love them to death. They have their own natures to follow and that shouldn't be denied them. I think Jamie and his wife did the right thing, taking Bertha home. She probably met the tortoise of her dreams and laid many eggs.

Was your brother's "seed tick" a hard or soft tick? What an unpleasant discovery for him. Did that female student really take his explanation of "The Greater Ozark Cock-Sucking Dick Tick" seriously? If so, well, she couldn't have been too bright. The name doesn't sound very scientific, does it? I don't think we get many ticks over here. I was astonished and dismayed to find one behind my knee when I got in the bath after returning from a 4 day Harley Davidson rally about 5 years ago. It worried me because it was a hard tick and the rally was in the New Forest where there are deer and deer ticks - you know, the ones that carry Lyme disease. I do have arthritis now, but that runs in the family. I doubt I got it from the tick. Still ...

I'm looking forward to hearing about Jamie's pet snake. I love snakes. The mice will have all my sympathy - I love them too. I think I'll tell you about my dog, Sabre next, but that'll have to wait till the new year.

Hope the exams are going well. I expect they're out of the way by now, actually. So I hope they went well, in that case. Glad you're mom's on the mend. Hope she, you and all your family have a great Christmas and New Year!

Speak to you soon.
Sal

PS Haven't seen Amy around lately. 'Spect she's off doing Christmas stuff somewhere and having a good time. If you're about Amy, Happy Christmas.

I'm here!

Busy.

I'll be back later.

Merry Christmas to both of you.

Thanks for the Christmas wishes Amy.

I thought you must've gone home for the holiday or something. You haven't been in the "Who's Online" window for a while. It's nice to know others are still busy. I've brought some work home with me. Yesterday was a day of panic to get various loose ends tied up and get home in time to party. When I say "party", what I mean is have a couple of glasses of wine and a chat with some fellow, tired old dodderers.

Don't work too hard. Remember to enjoy yourself. I have to admit, though, it helps me to relax when I know others are grafting away. I'm off to open another bottle of red stuff now. I'll raise a glass to you and think some sympathetic thoughts about those who work while I quaff.

Speak to you later.
Sal